Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.

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2earlyriser 05/16/2014

There has been a great discussion in the posts lately about disclosure and to whom we should tell. When I started going to a 12 step program, my dear wife asked me why I was going. She knew I had been clean from drugs and alcohol for a number of years. Honestly, lied to her. I told her I was going to give support. I had just come to terms with the fact that I was a porn/sex addict and was ashamed of it. I feared the possible reprisals from her. About a month or so into the new group I felt compelled to tell her the truth. I was fairly certain she needed to know. She said to me "It is not good that you lied, but its great that you are seeking help." Since that time my wife has been very supportive of my recovery efforts. She doesn't ask the particulars of my behaviors while I was acting out. If she ever asked me I would tell her the truth. My recovery is based on truth which in turn makes me accountable for my actions.

As I thought of what I wanted to post, I reflected on how isolated I was when I was using. By disclosing I gained support close to home. My wife and I have a transparent relationship. I am honest with her and therefore she trusts me.

I agree that some people should not know. I also believe that the ones that most affected must know. Like the saying says "the truth shall set you free."

deleted_user 05/21/2014

Again, the definition of the word boundary is the line where I begin and you end,, and vice versa,, the line where I end and you begin. In a marriage the oneness is not that it's you and the spouse is a clone, and it's not in that I can't even close the door when I'm in the bathroom,, or hey, how could I ever have a surprise party for you?

Again,, you post as if I have condoned lying,, no,, that is twisting my words for your convenience, which is a kind of lie also. Hiding? To choose not to disclose something.. okay,, for example.. the reason why you feel soooooo disgusted and revolted by porn in general.. Are ;you 'hiding' the reasons? or is it a right to privacy?

candycin 05/21/2014

I believe from what I have been taught through therapy, CSATS, books, etc on sex addiction and being a spouse of a recovering sex addict that the word boundary is defined a tad different then that XA. For the addict it could be no porn or sexual activity outside of a relationship, for the spouse it could be the same boundary within the marriage. Its not unlike the vows that are given in a marriage that somehow along the line the addict has pushed to the bottom and the addictive behavior took over. Defining boundaries in recovery is very important to rebuild trust, help the addict stay sober, and create some source of safety for the spouse that was hurt.

I get what you are you saying as far as privacy (the bathroom door being shut) My husband and I have individual boundaries for healing and recovery as well as marriage boundaries. My husband has a boundary that if I begin to scream at him in a argument he will walk away, go outside, go for a drive. He cant control my reactions/feelings/ the screaming but he can control how he reacts and has an action in place if it happens. I have a boundary in place that if my husband is to lie to me the marriage may have a separation/divorce. I cant control him lying to me but I sure as hell can control the reaction to that lie.

deleted_user 05/21/2014

Again, what you are calling 'baoundaries' are more often called 'limits', but.. I give up. Just know that the way you use the word 'baoundary' means something else to a lot of people. To a lot of people it means like "don't finish my sentences for me, and don't tell me what I'm thinking or feeling or wanting. I know what I'm thinking and can tell you, and often it's not what you think I'm thinking or feeling. Boundaries means my feelings are mine and your feelings are yours. And just know, that when many people talk about what they will tolerate, accept or support and what they won't as far as behaviors go, is called 'limits'.
enough

Learningskills 05/22/2014

X: I don't understand your words or your reasoning. But, that's ok, I don't need to.

Learningskills 05/27/2014

Candy: On your reply 31. My H and have a mutual boundary, if one or the other begins to scream, then one of us, or both of us, stop talking and go find something else to do. I think that's a good boundary. I have recently found, as you know, that he was using his porn stuff again, so, I moved completely out of the bedroom. I feel more quiet and peaceful when I'm alone to sleep.

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