Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
There has been a great discussion in the posts lately about disclosure and to whom we should tell. When I started going to a 12 step program, my dear wife asked me why I was going. She knew I had been clean from drugs and alcohol for a number of years. Honestly, lied to her. I told her I was going to give support. I had just come to terms with the fact that I was a porn/sex addict and was ashamed of it. I feared the possible reprisals from her. About a month or so into the new group I felt compelled to tell her the truth. I was fairly certain she needed to know. She said to me "It is not good that you lied, but its great that you are seeking help." Since that time my wife has been very supportive of my recovery efforts. She doesn't ask the particulars of my behaviors while I was acting out. If she ever asked me I would tell her the truth. My recovery is based on truth which in turn makes me accountable for my actions.
As I thought of what I wanted to post, I reflected on how isolated I was when I was using. By disclosing I gained support close to home. My wife and I have a transparent relationship. I am honest with her and therefore she trusts me.
I agree that some people should not know. I also believe that the ones that most affected must know. Like the saying says "the truth shall set you free."
As I thought of what I wanted to post, I reflected on how isolated I was when I was using. By disclosing I gained support close to home. My wife and I have a transparent relationship. I am honest with her and therefore she trusts me.
I agree that some people should not know. I also believe that the ones that most affected must know. Like the saying says "the truth shall set you free."
I am not though paranoid. The basis of my fears is well factually supported. I have every reason to feel mistrust, and no reason at all to feel trust. There are times like that, no matter how we might wish it were untrue. I have offered my H not only my trust in times past, but I have offered honesty, integrity, respect, kindness, empathy and so many other things I could only dream of receiving. The fact that he could betray me again only succeeds in my acknowledging he is not, has not been, and will never be a trustworthy person.
And that...will have to be ok. I can't deal with it anymore.
your description of discussion after a meeting is what happens here too..the only difference is that I don't ask my husband anymore he tells me ...what he shared and the topic and if there is new people...that's it, what other members say he doesn't tell me and I don't want to know...he is the same after recovery group and after therapy.
XA that is a great point about letting go, after trauma induced from anything its a hard thing to let go of that control, through work, therapy, marriage therapy and prayer I am letting go of the control and I am becoming a more at peace person because of it....
2early, sadly there is more support for addicts then there are for spouses of sex addiction...its frustrating...
Learning,, I see.. paranoia is paranoia if it's not true, but it seems you have much more of a history, both past and current to make that trust even more of a risk. After 35 years your kids are grown? The crying and whining sometimes is a manipulative thing, even if sincere. It may be that he's trying to continue his end of codependence and avoiding, because of insecurities, the responsibilities that recovery brings.
I got into a vicious cycle of a relationship once, where the man was very insecure and was not an addict but in other ways codependent, and the more I took up the slack the less confident he got until we got into a vicious cycle there. I finally had lost all respect for him and hated my own role and we parted ways. I learned then that we can't do it for them.. they have to man up.
Learning, I know this is a hard time for you. I am proud that you have made a decision. Trust is such an essential element in any relationship. I hope and pray that someday you will be able to find someone that you can trust.
true and my thoughts are mine...we stopped communicating via private messages for more then you saying I was reading your mind...
Telling the truth is a boundary that many addicts and spouses have, used to start rebuilding trust within the marriage. For an addict to have lying as a boundary obviously keeps them honest, stops feeding the addiction with those lies, its about telling the truth to themselves as well as spouses,children, employer.
I can almost bet that most addicts have telling the truth as a big part of their recovery and spouses have it as a boundary too...
I hope that there is more support for spouses, where I live there is nothing, and very few therapist that have any experience dealing with the trauma that it causes...
reading success stories on here, getting insight from this forum, and even private messages from members gives hope too...so thank you for that
I am currently working toward getting my H to accept that we just aren't good together. He just hangs on so tightly when he has initiated my desire to move on. That makes it much more tough for me. I am not a cold hearted witch as some suggest, quite the contrary. That may be my most negative fault.
I can't quite yet figure out what it is he is holding onto? It escapes even my imagination...always did...I suspect...always will. I can't imagine that I would have the feeling that I love him, and yet, I am chasing fantasies about other men. I don't see how I could possibly do that and expect any good outcome at all. How could I ever commit to making a good relationship, and be seeking something else at the same time? Ludicrous! It's hard enough to put good stuff into a relationship, with work, responsibilities, boredom, whatever...much less seeking something somewhere else. I feel like I would "know" that if I felt the desire to be ogling other men, and even more, that the relationship I am in is not meeting my needs, so why continue?
I have forgiven so many times it's confounding, even to me. And, I could, if I so chose, do it again. I mean really, what more could he possibly do now? I can't quite imagine. So, since I've resolved the major issues for me, and, I was able to feel serene most of the time in the last few years, what does it "really" matter now? I could do it again. I have done it. So, I know I can do it.
But, I have to wonder if it's wise to do it? I don't think it's good for him at all. Forgiveness has not helped him in any way I can see. Hearing the actual results of his behavior on both me and the relationship has not deterred his behavior. I mean, if his wife, his family, his home, his financial security, is not enough to deter it, then what on Earth would be? I dunno. Apparently, that stuff has more value than all of those combined. I can't quite imagine. Must be one heck of a thrill? Though, I have experienced some of what he so thrills in, and for me, it's a child's game. Worthless.
And, at this point, after living absolute hell for the first couple of years after the last D-day, I just can't think it's even a good thing to attempt it again. Not good for me. Not good for him. Maybe he will fare better without the affects of my damage. I have never overcome it. I don't believe I ever can. How does a person get over the truth, or facts? They just are...what they are?
So, maybe it would be better if he moved on. And yet, he hangs on and on and on. That is very distressing for me in so many ways. His psych told him last time, "if" there is "any" possibility of regaining trust in this relationship given what you have already done, it will take years. So, he knew that too. And yet, it seems, the minute I drop my guards and attempt even a happy relationship, much less a truly complete intimate relationship, he runs back to his thrills. And, he knew without question that if I found out, and I did, of course, I always do (thank you God), it would destroy that possibility.
He is no physical danger to me of any kind I can think of. I have protected myself that way. We are not young people with some daydream of an intimate, romantic relationship. I mean, like after a divorce, I would seek some relationship...not even...not ever. I cannot even imagine that I would ever, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever even have a desire to engage in some entangled relationship again. I have not found that to be a pleasant way to live life.
I had never had any problem with my H going anywhere he pleased until he deceived me. He went anywhere he wanted, any time he wanted. In fact, I enforced his right to do that, though his mother took issue. He played in a band often in the evenings, practices, playing in bars. Ok. I know he loved to play, so I didn't give him grief about it. Then, there was a problem with that...because he did things that he knew were not acceptable within the relationship, and followed with lying about it, then he had proven he could not be trusted.
So, in that case, to suggest that he has some right to privacy is unwarranted to me. Privacy, apparently, to him, means privacy to do things he shouldn't be doing. And, to suggest that I would feel comfortable with his hiding anything at all from me, only supports that feeling that I can't trust him. Had he not stepped outside the bounds of his marriage vows, and had he not lied, I wouldn't have had a single problem about it. But he did, and I do.
He did attend a couple of 12 step meetings around six years ago after D-day. When I attempted to talk to him about how I was feeling, he said that they suggested "my feelings are my problem to deal with, and that he didn't have to talk to me." Well, that's true. He doesn't ever have to share anything at all with me. I told him, yep, that's true. So, if you don't want to share with me, and you don't want to hear what's going on with me in regard to your behaviors, then please leave, I don't want you here. What else is there to do but that?
Learning... I understand what you posted about losing his right to privacy, but I don't agree. It's like he gave up his right to have a self, and must now just meld into you.
The info about his lifestyle is interesting, the bars and people he was around.. that's a difficult environment to get sober in.
I didn't make him a liar, he did. And, I can't make him be truthful either, he'll have to do that if he wishes to. Either of those thingsthe behavior, or the lying, does bring on absolute results. Whether it's me, his employer, the law, or whoever? He still gets to answer, doesn't he? Both the behavior, and the lies, are his responsibility to deal with, not mine, I did neither of those things.
Now, I can say again, that he can and will do anything he chooses to do, including keeping secrets. But, when I find them, just like I recently did, he gets to live the reality that those choices bring. Also, there is not a thing I need to ask him really any longer. I see no need in that. He already knew the error of that behavior. So, I don't need to tell him, he already knows. And, I haven't asked him to even quit. I figure, why bother now? Carry on. But, because I don't like to interact with the behaviors he displayed, nor do I like to interact with liars, I just don't interact at all. Simple really.
As far as his music making, that isn't where he acted out. The places he did that are at most very strange. But hey, not my problem is it?
Boundaries are created for the spouses to help create safety in a relationship where the addict has taken all safety away. Lying creates mistrust and to rebuild that honesty is most important. Often the lies were more hurtful then the act. SO yes there is a boundary that I have that states :complete honestly at all times, lying is what fed your addiction therefor telling a telling, withholding the truth will be seen as a direct way to feed your addiction and may result in separation/divorce.
My husband has put telling lies about ANYTHING in his inner circle for his own boundaries for HIS recovery, therefor telling a lie will reset his sobriety date.
I know addicts that as the fog from sex addiction clears and more disclosure comes forward they too reset their sobriety date since they see it has withholding a secret even though the acting out occurred months and months before.