Hello everyone.

Im new to this forum thing but I want to take this as an opportunity to tell my story and as a way to connect with others. I think what started my masturbation and slight venture in to porn happened in middle school. One day I was outside playing with my neighbor in my back yard and he asked if I wanted to play a game and I didn't think too much of it and o said "sure." He asked me to pull down my pants and again I didn't think much about it. I could feel him doing something, which seemed wrong but I let it continue. Eventually I would pull my pants back up but he'd ask me to pull them back down again and again. I thought about asking my friends at school, but I was embarrassed. I didn't know that he had sexually assaulted me until he tried to do the same thing with my sister a year later. She was really young, like maybe kindergarten or so, and he tried taking off her clothes and I knew that wasn't morally right and I put a stop to it and the situation was handled with our parents. But I never told anyone until I told my mom about 6 months ago. But in that long time (I'm almost done with college now) I've dealt with this alone and I've definitely went down a path I'm not proud of. After that event a year or two later I discovered porn one night which eventually led into masturbation. I knew at that time that it wasn't right but I kept doing it and I think I've been trying my whole entire life to find out why. I honestly don't believe I'm attracted to any of the guys that I've seen on there and I know that I'm not gay. But I think I'm jealous of what they have, their bodies, their penis size, but most importantly their masculinity.  I strive for that and when I watch porn or participate in live streams and or masturbate, I feel I'm trying to gain that back but I know that's wrong. I want to stop but I just relapsed tonight. I want to do better and I know that it's wrong, but all that I can do is ask God why? As a Christian, I know I need to let Him have control and I try, but it still doesn't seem like enough. This is definitely not my whole story and I know this is day zero, but I want this post to be a symbol of me striving to do better and possibly as a way to work with others on their own journeys.