If your husband is a sex addict, and your therapist can easily determine that, and if porn is a part of his addictive pattern, which it obviously is, then there is no such thing as "a little bit of porn" for him. Any porn at all, of any kind, will feed into his addiction and be unhealthy for him, and for yourself and your son. Just because he doesn't have a problem with porn is no reason why you need to allow it in your home where your son could accidentally stumble across it. You need to have some very firm boundaries in place concerning this type of behavior, with consequences spelled out for him if he violates your limits. Don't back down on this one. Stand firm, if not for yourself, then do it for your son.

Incidentally, you mentioned your husband's behavior had escalated for a bit, but that he now has gotten on top of those new behaviors. I very seriously doubt that is the case. What has probably happened is that his behavior has temporarily de-escalated. That can happen with sexual addictions, and no one can really tell you why that happens, nor can they predict when, or if it will happen. It just does occasionally. But when you have a de-escalation, you will inevitably have a re-escalation to a level beyond where the addict was before. So the porn would, in this case, only serve as fuel for the escalating fire of his addiction. And please note, when this escalation occurs, it is entirely possible that your husband will become a child molester or a rapist. There are no rules with sexual addiction. Of course it's just as likely that he will start going to the local topless/nude bars, or begin having affairs. There's just no way of knowing which way things will go. I'm not trying to scare you, just make you aware of the reality of your situation.

So that's my position on the situation. I'll be interested to see what others have to say about this matter.

Why would this be a topic in a therapy session? That is like saying "why not put a little cocaine in front of a drug addict and let him do it as long as it is not in front of the kids or myself". What in the world??? If he is looking at a little bit of it, he will just want more and more. There is no way this will help matters and who suggested it?

It was the therapist who was listing out several options for us to consider for next time. We were talking about what each of us were comfortable with on the scale of porn use and we are supposed to come back to discuss it. This was one of the options on the scale. He is a highly recommended addiction therapist who was recommended by a few women in my s-anon group. This is actually the 6th therapist we have been to (over several years) and this is the first one we have both felt comfortable going to together as a couple. My h feels he is healthy and the therapist said that each individual has the right to determine that for themselves...if they are healthy or not.

In the past my h has gone to strip clubs (5 years ago), prostitutes (18 years ago), affairs (2 years ago). He hasn't done any of those things recently and I feel he has been very up front about it and talking about his history in therapy together... he wants our marriage to work and is committed to the process of therapy.

So just to clarify, he wasn't suggesting this, just opening up all topics for discussion and this was one of the topics.

I can't believe a therapist would suggest it or as an option. That would still be discouraging to you. I am so sorry you have been through this for 18 years. That is a very long time to deal with such pain. To redirect back to what the therapist said, maybe he/she is wanting your H to not be ashamed of his actions or hide it. Some men and women will get more of a rise out of being caught than the visual side of porn. Its like a kid that throws a rock through a window knowing he can easily be seen.

Is your H married...to you? Did he take vows? Is he keeping them? Why should you put up with your h lusting about others? Is he a married man...or not?

" just enjoying life and appreciating beauty by viewing porn. I think porn is disgusting...where's the beauty? And he said, he is enjoying life...I guess how you feel or your life doesn't matter?

Hey SheenRe (and all of your other spouses/partners our there),

I understand you position on pornography completely, and I support your right to feel the way you do 250%. However, I have a question for you. This kind of came up in my human sexuality class today. One of my female students was talking about it. How do you feel about Feminist Erotica? Have you ever seen any of it? If so, what do you think of it?

I have never seen the stuff, and have no intention of ever looking at it. I feel it might be way too close to pornography and would therefore cause me problems. However, I understand it is supposed to be much, much different than porn. It's supposed to actually have a story line, and actual feelings and emotions are supposed to be displayed. If you've seen this stuff, I just wondered how you feel about it. Just curious.

Hey Charli!

I do believe feminist erotica is awesome for couple with NO issues. It is pretty much like any porn with a story line. Playgirl has a lot of this porn for women that enjoy it. It has more touching, kissing and more like making love than animalistic sex. From what I understand, some sex therapists do tell couples to watch this type of porn if they have issues with love making or even if they need more detail on how to make love to each other.

I feel if a man or woman is a porn or sex addict that it is still too risky. It still shows naked women and men, oral sex and having sex just in a soft manner. Kind of life some movies you may have seen with a sex scene in it. I was always turned on by this more and it is a shame that I won't be able to watch it with my Fiance.

Unfortunately porn is porn. I have seen female erotica and it is still porn. Instead of going somewhere else even with a partner to get turned on, I think about my husband and the times we have been together.He is what turns me on.

One more comment. Eventhough it is more "lovemaking" it can be just as addictive and no person or couple is immune. There is no such thing as casual viewing when it effects your brain the way it does. JMO :) after lots of research.

For a recovering SA my rule is no porn, not hard porn, not soft porn, not any porn. When I was in the midst of my addiction my wife and I would watch porn & silly me thought it spiced up the sex life of both of us. Alas, me being the addict and my wife the ultimate co-dependent and going along with my wishes to make me 'happy' I didn't realize at the time how offensive it was for her. My wife has a very healthy perspective on love making, but the porn made her feel inferior; it made her question her own attractiveness; it removed all intimacy from our love making.

I don't know (and will never know) if a normal relationship, i.e., one free of addiction can enjoy porn without it affecting that relationship, but it does beg the question as to why any therapist treating someone with a sexual addiction would raise the question.

One thing I do know is being in recovery has ironically provided me with the best-ever loving and intimate sexual experience - all in a monogomous relationship with the most important person in my life... my wife. This is the ultimate high.

Charlie: I'm a very adult woman. Nope not familiar with the current trends of youngsters. Sorry, I'm no help there. Not really. Because, I don't seek any of those paths. They truly don't interest me. A matter of taste and choice? One of experience and choice.

To try and put it nicely...somewhat like choosing between a silk flower and a real one? A photo of Michael Landon as opposed to my h. One is attractive in it's way, but doesn't contain all the attributes of the other? Silk flowers are pretty, but fake, have no scent, or real substance, just a superficial replica, reminiscent of the real thing? Photos the same. And that's if they're nice ones. And then there's gross ones?

I much prefer "real" flowers in my garden or on my table? I prefer standing on the beach rather than viewing a painting? And, I much prefer "real" intimacy. So, why would I seek an alternative to the real thing? Unless of course, it isn't available? Maybe it just isn't available to some? Never seen it? Never experienced it? Indulged in fake...and fake becomes the taste? Only have fake available, so it'll do because there is no real? Dunno!

I am however aware of those "alternatives." I've been around a lot of people through my life who seek such. I've been around strippers, prostitutes, male prostitutes, porn addicts, adulterers, and what I consider to be sexual devients. Perhaps they either have never experienced the real thing, or they have no taste for real? Or they aren't real? Not sure.

Does seem though like some will choose surreality, rather than reality, given a choice? I have known some of them. Women too. Don't get it? I've seen it...and it has always perplexed me. Then again, real flowers require care...water...tending. Fake ones require nothing? I don't know. Trying to find a simili.

And now, current times, I think of those things, porn, erotica, whatever... as the "fad" of current society. Sex standing on it's own...disattached...strictly the biological "sneeze' of sexuality. Superficial nonsense. A simili, but missing the intregal parts? Texting instead of talking? Sexting instead of sex? Porn instead of real? And, the porn I've seen degrading and disgusting to boot?

I know that there are some women who indulge in porn...in erotica...in male strip bars...in male prostitutes....in other women...in lots of alternatives.I've known women who are adulterers. I've known men who are. I've known some personally. Never could get their gist? I think that today... it is taught by the promiscuous superficial society that is currently the trend. Like...mmmm...beehive hairdos...Woodies....and pet rocks of the past?

However, I do know, as a woman, that I am just as able, or even more likely, to "appreciate" physical attributes. Everyone has embedded biological attractions? And, were I unmarried,(been there) quite likely to indulge in "real time" fantasyland persuits, (ie superficial sexual attraction) in lieu of the "real" deal. Only because it isn't currently available? In my case, strictly physical persuits....one-night stands...mmm...physical attraction and maybe ego fodder? Fantastic "looking" men with the substance of a silk flower. Been there. Done that. So very superficial and unfulfilling? Like wanting an icecream and getting yogurt as a substitute? Not really a very good trade?

And, the porn I've had the unfortunate experience of seeing is gross to me. Not even attractive? Not even on a superficial level? Not on any level at all...other than like a freak show? And, I'm not likely to view a two-headed calf either? Weird. Degraded? Nuts and bolts...parts and no true mechanism? Cold...cynical....biological fodder?

I just wondered what your take would be on feminist erotica. I first heard of this stuff 15 or 20 years ago when I was attending the annual conference of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. (Before I retired, I was a certified sex educator and counselor, specializing in incest, non-familial sexual abuse, and sexual addiction). Anyway, there was a gal named Candida Royalle there who had been a hard core porn actresses. She got tired of the constant attention being paid to genitalia, and decided to do something that would be more in line with what a woman would like to see -- a story line, and some real feelings and emotions being portrayed. The result of her efforts was the first bit of so-called feminist erotica. I think this gal was trying to sell some of her videos there at the conference.

Anyway, I've never seen the stuff, and have no desire to see it. I think it would do me no good, but would only set off my addiction again, and I neither need nor want that. But in class the other day, one of my students brought up the subject. It seems that she had seen the more traditional porn that was made and marketed to men, and also the feminist erotica. She much preferred the feminist stuff, as did the majority of the other female students who had seen both kinds of videos. Of course, we're talking about youngsters who are in their late teens and early 20's, so they really don't know what a mature, committed relationship is all about yet. For them, feminist erotica is the closest they've ever come to the real thing. Hopefully, in time, they'll come to learn the differences between the two.

P.S. -- Sorry for hijacking your posting, EmTheo.

Amusing in a sardonic kind of way really Charlie. The stuff I've seen just realllllly turned me OFF...as in wayyy off. I would be disgusted of such a thing were I totally alone...much less in the presence of my H, or anyone at all. Whoa......realllllllly NOT my thing.

Apparently though...my H preferred that. Well, I know he did...he proved it. So, I guess he's in the same group as those other folks I ran into in life and didn't get their gist. I just didn't know he was like that. He hid it well. But, I do now. And, it let me know that when I was Making Love to him....it wasn't that for him at all. Just another set of body parts...any ones will do? And, I have no idea what was ever going on between us there...nothing much I guess. Only in my mind. Or far far worse...and that feels emotionally much like emotional rape?

He cleared that up for me? So, it really has been quite a shock...right into my life and sexual preferences. Now, I really don't know quite what to do with him. I'm very uncomfortable. He became one of "those" to me. And, I really don't like that at all.

Hmmmm...Charlie....just touched that part of me that's so has been impossible to reach inside me? The part that got trashed in all of this? The part that ruined sex for me now.

My H BECAME ONE OF THEM TO ME? A part of that scene? The moment I saw it. I knew that he brought that mentality...and them into my bed...and into my mind by seeing it? Not by force...but by trickery? Those unfeeling, gross porn men and women? I've seen them. Unfortunately, I've known a couple of them. And there's been no attraction for me. My XH was just like them. I know that he became one of them....male stripper....escort. After I divorced him. Escort...for women...or men? And porn...no doubt. Gross!

And, they disgust me in ways I can't quite describe. Animals...to me....not men? I KNEW more than one of those types. And one, I was married to. Didn't know it at the time though. Men, who think of themselves as animals, and treat women like animals too? That's what it feels like to me when I see that. A woman, self-loathing, being treated like a thing...a degraded dispicable thing?

And that's why I can't feel initmately sexual with my H now. That part that has been "dysfunctional" from the moment I saw it on our computer. He saw me like that? He perceived sex with me like that? And I HATE that mindset...so I hated him?

And now, I fear it is still in him? Hiding? Lurking? And, so I can't "really" be intimate with him? Because as an individual, I don't lke that scene...I don't like men like that....and I especially don't like being touched in any way by one of them? Makes me violently angry! If he likes his body parts, he better not ever let me catch him touching me like that!

No wonder he can't reach me there. I guess there is no cure for that. I'm never gonna like ti. And, if he's an addict to that, that's his "high", then he can never be allowed to touch me in any way but very superfically...if at all?