After staying in my marriage for 17 years (12 of which were unhappy, unhealthy and completely cut off from my husband as he chose to shut down both emotionally and physically) it has been far too long I have been out of the loop.  Since he did pass away several months ago, I have decided to be a bit bold and take a step back out there. 

Things are so different... I feel like I need a hazmat suit....  Have to worry about STDs, AIDs, now COVID crap as well. Is the age of blood tests to prove you are safe... condoms, dental dams, quite frankly does not sound so appealing to me.

I got brave and put a profile on a dating site. (So many from all over the place-- reminds me of here where I have actually come across a few I would have liked to have actually met. ) There are 2 that I have still been chatting and texting with who are local.  One is a few years older and seems very nice from what I have seen and heard. He knows my situation and he does also still very much want sex and is more than happy to show me what I have missed. He wants friendship, a relationship... the thing is, he and I have not really opened up and chatted alot ... yet.  is the basic nicities... good morning,good night... having a good day ?  Thinking about me?...

Then there is the other one. He is my age and did come on a little strong at first. Then supposedly he didn't get a few of my messages and thought he scared me off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we fixed the issue and again started to chat. He and I can more easily chat about things... the thing is almost all we chat about is sex.  Last night I mentioned to him about there being another man that I am still chatting with 2. I do not like to lie and wanted to tell them both I am chatting with another as well. His response was maybe I should just go with the other one. he thinks maybe he will be too much for me. We have talked about fantasies and he has already told me in detail what he would like to do with and for me. He is clearly the bad boy... and I am drawn more to him.  

But he mentions coming here to the house to meet (and plans to hook up right away) While I do actually look forward to this--- the fact that first meeting is not to be wined and dined or meet and go from there... I am feeling like I will be again just used and abused.  The thought of hot steamy sex and some passion is a definite draw... yet on the other hand... the other guy was planning on coming up this way and us getting take out and having a picnic and going from there.

I just want so badly to be touched, wanted, devoured (like that will ever happen at this rate) And I want the good old days where I can take someone's word that they are clean and safe.  I do not want a hazmat suit.   Just want a willing excited sexy man who wants me too.    :(   Tired of the toys. Augh!!!