I am relatively new to my relationship to a man who is serving 15 years to a sex offender he has served 8 years....but have lots of doubts and questions. Maybe we can help each other.

Maybe we can. This is my story:

I first fell in love with my husband 10 yrs ago before he was a S.O. We had a relationship back then, which he left. I never got over him. Later, after his legal troubles, I looked him up and he was happy to have the company. A few months later we got married.

Being from the same small town I knew everything....but you can tell someone you are a SO but you really dont know what it is like until you live it. I was abandoned by my family-they want nothing to do with me or him. My friends also left my side, they said "What kind of a woman marries a SO?"

My husband was a sunday school teacher. He came into a consensaul sexual realationship with a 17 yr old girl in his class. Because he was the minister, they said he had authority over her even though it was consensual. He was 40 at the time. He was forced to take a plea bargin to avoid jail time. He plead guilty to 6 counts sexual assault. He was given 10 yrs probation and 25 yrs on the registry and wear an ankle monitor as long as he resides in Arkansas--which is $400 a month that we are not able to pay...if we dont pay he goes to jail so we moved to Oklahoma. He had to complete counsolring, which was $40 a week every week, thank God he had completed that. He also must take a lie detector test every 6 months that is $200--of course its in December, guess that's what he is getting for Christmas. He has no restrictions on where he can live on his probation.

He cannot get a good paying job--if he is honest they dont hire him and if he lies he is fired shortly after. The Probation Officer makes us tell our church--we have been asked to leave a couple of churches. Our neighbors know because they mail out flyers anywhere we move. He is not allowed to go to any parks, which is terrible since our fav thing to do is hike in the National Parks.


This recently happened: I was offered an extremely high paying job in Hawaii. The rules say if he wants to move then I have to go there first, get the home started and then he can request transfer after we have an address. I consulted the Hawaii police department before selecting the new home and was told there were no restrictions. I signed a lease and he put in for the transferr. Each state has 45 days....so on day 45 Arkansas turned it over to Hawaii. We waited another 45 days for Hawaii to say that the home was not suitable because there was a school bus stop outside the driveway--Hawaii has "Child safety zones" where SOs cannot reside....I did ask, before I signed the lease...they told me no restrictions? They lied. So after 126 days, I gave up my job and came back to Oklahoma and financial devestation.

Most of his fines, probation fees, mandatory therapy sessions, and electronic ankle monitor fees were paid by me. We are not allowed to be late, if we are late they lock him up. if he is locked up his life is in danger. Dont get me wrong, I love him but after a while when you are paying fees and not buying food it can get to you.

Then the so call "victim" added on her facebook all the same friends I had on my facebook. He isnt allowed to have facebook and I had to deactivate mine for this reason.

Sometimes Im really mad. I dont think its fair that after 10 yrs we are finally together but he cant provide for me and he is only the shadow of the man he was before because he is afraid of everything "oh I cant do that, my PO might lock me up". He also lost everything....his farm, 36 horses and all of his possessions. his family wants nothing to do with him.

So I work and work and we never have any fun because we can barely afford to eat. Its constant stress.

My kids? I have 3 aged 17, 18, and 19. My children's father does not have a prob with my husband since he also knew him 10 yrs ago.....the prob is my children's grandparents who constantly tell my children to have nothing to do with me.

I hate being judged by his past.....I am very educated.

Hope this wasnt too much for you.

I also forgot to say that most SO cannot get married, I had to ask specaial permission from his po and since it didnt say he couldnt get married in his probation paper work we were able to get married...but maybe you should marry your guy while he is still in?

If I sound really angry its because I am. i just feel that if we would have stayed together when we were together the first time, things would be alot different.

WOW.. I read this last night and was sooooooo... scared? So... is this what the future holds for me?? When he leaves those prison doors and walks out in society - he has all that waiting for him? Treatment classes? GPS? I know he has to register - so I know that housing will not be easy - He was involved with a 43 year old women - so it wasn't a minor - so are their different rules??

I don't know what to say.... eye opener for me.....

I was abandoned by my family-they want nothing to do with me or him. My friends also left my side, they said "What kind of a woman marries a SO?" (this is the same thing my friends are asking me now and I wonder the same thing some days)

I don't like calling Lee an "Inmate" or "Convict" or "Sex Offender" or any of the other words they use right now - I feel that society is going to do a good job of that when he comes out.....

I don't know what to say since I'm not going through any of this - but i see your frustration - and I'm sure people say, "Why do you stay??" Because you love him... that is why....

They treat all SO the same it dosnt matter if it was a kid or a grownup. If he can do his program while his in he might not have to do anything when his out. Every place has different rules about GPS where they can live even what and where they can work......now is when you look in to it all and if he can get a trade while his in it might no promise make it easyer for him to get a job.

@silentwife that's the first I've hard about the marriage thing?? People judge without hearing both sides or getting the whole picture. Yep you got every right to be angry about it and then for her to do the facebook thing what in the world was she thinking!!

Lee had to go through a 10 week SO class when he first went to prison. He was in the farming industry before he went in..... And welding. The job he does now in prison is welding. So I don't know how it will be when he gets out. I don't think it will be too hard. I told him I wouldnt mind living in the city the prison is.. he goes, really? The have a lot of welding cause of the oil patches. I think release will be North Dakota or Montana.

I don't plan on marrying him until after he us out ... A year or so....I want to see how we are on a daily basis. I looked at SO stuff in both states.... The only thing I saw is the PO needs to know who they are in a relationship with.

It shouldn't be to hard for him. Be warned the po need to know the ins and outs of everything that they do also check on the rules for where you can and can't live even down hear we gotta go by all that. It sucks that they do this considering the reoffens rates as fair as SO go.

He better not ever reoffend or ill be going to prison. This is 4 1/2 years away... But this has gotten me thinking of meeting with a PO. I don't even Lee know what's he is in for. He is a day by day guy.. I'm already planing the day he comes through the doors of the prison and planning where he wants his first meal will be and that night. If it includes me or not.

SO have the lowest rates of reoffending then any other crime. Just be aware of the rules he will have to go by once his out you still got a bit of time to get your head around this and with a bit of luck things might change between now and then!
You can or should be able to Google the rules and stuff that you guys need to know....that's something I can't do down hear its all wait and see.

I'm sorry, I didnt mean to scare you. Dont worry that your guy will re-offend....he wont. I went back and read what I wrote and I do seem really angry and I guess I am....I just feel it is really unfair. I really love my husband and he is NOT the monstor society paints him as.

Just make sure you tell his PO everything! and every state is different and every PO is different too.

Reckon you have every right to be hacked off silentwife its crazy how they say all SO are the same when its just not true!

lee was strung out on meth, cocaine and alcohol when he committed his crime...with a friend. So I'm pretty sure this won't happen again. My worry is the meth, cocaine and alcohol. Hope he doesn't go back to that

How dos he feel about the drugs and the booze now? That could also end up being part of his condition that parole set for him.

You have a right to be angry - after doing everything you have - it takes its toll. So what are you doing now? Did you get your job back that you had left for Hawaii for??