I started to cut again. the feeling of blood running down my arm was the only thing keeping me from freaking out. i mean, i cant deal with my stress any more. and the worse part about it is now i have lost my best friend. i was upset already, and then he told me my bf (who is the only, and i mean only reason im still alive today) was abusing me? no no no! and so, like a bitch, i pretty much told him to go to hell. but i see now he was only trying to help me. i want to say im sorry to him, but it might be best for us o just move on with our lives. see, brandon is in love with me (at least he was) and i was going to date him, but because of a misunderstanding, i didnt. and then we said we would stay friends. but all it does is hurt us both. he told me that it was wrong of kris to make me cut, and i didnt have the heart to tell him that he does it too. ever time i think about what i did to him, i cut alittle deeper. but i never cut deep enough to fully get rid of this pain. i cant even go thro two hours without cutting again. and no one knows it. yeah, i had to tell my bf cuz he can smell blood, but i dont tell him how bad it is. its how i get thro the days. he stayed out of school for a week, and it was one of the hardest things for me. he is the only thing that is keeping me on this earth now. yeah, i have friends. but most aren't good for me, and the others dont realize that ive started again. not to mention the fact my mother says she will get me help, but never does. no one takes this seriously enough. what the fuck do i need to do before someone finally helps me? i cant do this alone, and i dont want to anymore. but i can't blame this on anyone but me. i decided to do this in the first place, and i decided to start again. no one needs to feel like its because of them. i mean, im 16. what i do doesnt have to do with anyone but me. at times like this i cut, and thats how i am. but everybody is going "This is my fault" or "Kris is to blame. No, i am. this is my choice, and no made it for me. i cant deal anymore. so i do this. i know i really shouldnt, but i do. and no one should be pointing fingers at anyone but me. my teachers dont know/care, the principal has no clue, and my mom is in denial. so this is where i stand. i cant stop. i dont know how. ive tryed before, and i always start again. it never fails. tonight i cut twice, and i want to do it again. its never deep enough, it never hurts as much as i need it to. i want to pour vinigiar on it, but i can't. ill just sit here awake, and cut til morning. then i will start an other day, hopeing i am strong enough to make it through