I cut myself again today. This one was somewhat deep ... deeper than the last couple, at least.

Anyhow, it's all detailed in today's journal entry, but here's the short'n'sweet version & my question ...

Cutting has always served as a catharsis for me. It's been a way for me to release pent up aggression, hatred, fear, anxiety, or whatever negative emotion is at that moment gnawing at my insides. When I cut earlier this morning, I didn't feel that release, that rush of negativity leaving my body. If anything I felt 100x worse. I felt dumb, stupid, immature, impudent, etc. I realized that I'd done wrong, & that what I did was not helpful but hurtful, neurotic, & damaging.

My question for you is this: does this mean I've finally hit my personal rock bottom? If the cutting isn't my catharsis does that mean what I've known all along - that I shouldn't be doing it in the 1st place? Does it mean I'm finally on the road to recovery? Does it mean the synethetic-happy-pills (Prozac) is finally beginning to work on my serotonin levels?

Part of me is frightened that the SI didn't "work" as it normally does. My initial thought was, "OMG, I'm so desensitized to this that it no longer works. I need to find something more drastic to kill the self-loathing." I suppose what I'm saying is I really hope that's not the case. I want so much to be optimistic & think that's it's more me making a recovery than me becomming immune to SI.

So, sorry for all the rambling, but what are your opinions? Did you ever get to the point where I am? How did you feel about it?

Thanks, all.