Self-Injury Support Group
Whether you or someone you know or love struggles with self-injury, this is the community to discuss your experience, find support, meet others going through the same, and get advice on how to stop. Working together, we can help find alternative coping skills to reduce the urge to self-harm.
I'm new to this group. My whole story is kind of a long one - you can see it in my bio and group description.
Long story short, I was clean from July 31, 2010, through about three weeks ago. Then I went through a very stressful move when I had to be away from my husband for four months and single-parent our three girls on my own. Since my husband is the catalyst in my recovery and since we have a very good relationship, being away from him was almost unbearable. I started thinking about suicide again, I started wanting to cut again, and near the end of our time apart, I strangled myself three times.
Then, the last three days before we moved, my house was still in chaos, my in-laws were at our house helping us get everything packed (which was wonderful but still overwhelming), and I caved. I COULD NOT deal with the stress. I wanted to go into my closet and curl up into a ball and never come out. But there was still so very, very much left to do. So I grabbed some scissors I was using to unstrap packing materials and I cut. 14 times in three sessions over 2 days. I literally had nothing left.
I'd talked to my priest about my renewed cravings, and he had told me that if I did end up cutting, not to dwell on it. That shame is just as much a victory for Satan as the act itself. (Please no judgment on my faith.) So when I cut, I told my husband what I'd done, received comfort, and moved on.
But now, three weeks later, I'm still struggling. I've become so self-conscious of my scars again. I have literally thousands. Most are little hairline scars that you have to look closely to see, but there are plenty of the big, fat, raised ones that stand up and shout "LOOK AT ME!" I'd gotten used to them and almost forgotten about them most of the time. I was comfortable going around in sleeveless shirts and shorts. Now when I'm wearing even 3/4 length sleeves, in our new town with all new people, I'm conscious of my scars and am afraid that people will start asking about them again.
And last night/this morning, I had a huge, ugly fight with my husband. It was just a matter of poor communication and neither of us feeling well emotionally. But I ended up sobbing and unable to fully stop for at least an hour. And I wanted so much to cut again. One of the main reasons I stopped in 2010 was because I realized that cutting was manipulative, whether I intended it to be or not. This morning, I was remembering that and thinking, "It's not manipulative if I don't tell him I've done it."
We both calmed down and hugged and apologized, but I'm scared. I don't want to start cutting again. It controlled me for years. I don't want to go back to that. I do NOT want to go back to that.... but I do. :'(
Long story short, I was clean from July 31, 2010, through about three weeks ago. Then I went through a very stressful move when I had to be away from my husband for four months and single-parent our three girls on my own. Since my husband is the catalyst in my recovery and since we have a very good relationship, being away from him was almost unbearable. I started thinking about suicide again, I started wanting to cut again, and near the end of our time apart, I strangled myself three times.
Then, the last three days before we moved, my house was still in chaos, my in-laws were at our house helping us get everything packed (which was wonderful but still overwhelming), and I caved. I COULD NOT deal with the stress. I wanted to go into my closet and curl up into a ball and never come out. But there was still so very, very much left to do. So I grabbed some scissors I was using to unstrap packing materials and I cut. 14 times in three sessions over 2 days. I literally had nothing left.
I'd talked to my priest about my renewed cravings, and he had told me that if I did end up cutting, not to dwell on it. That shame is just as much a victory for Satan as the act itself. (Please no judgment on my faith.) So when I cut, I told my husband what I'd done, received comfort, and moved on.
But now, three weeks later, I'm still struggling. I've become so self-conscious of my scars again. I have literally thousands. Most are little hairline scars that you have to look closely to see, but there are plenty of the big, fat, raised ones that stand up and shout "LOOK AT ME!" I'd gotten used to them and almost forgotten about them most of the time. I was comfortable going around in sleeveless shirts and shorts. Now when I'm wearing even 3/4 length sleeves, in our new town with all new people, I'm conscious of my scars and am afraid that people will start asking about them again.
And last night/this morning, I had a huge, ugly fight with my husband. It was just a matter of poor communication and neither of us feeling well emotionally. But I ended up sobbing and unable to fully stop for at least an hour. And I wanted so much to cut again. One of the main reasons I stopped in 2010 was because I realized that cutting was manipulative, whether I intended it to be or not. This morning, I was remembering that and thinking, "It's not manipulative if I don't tell him I've done it."
We both calmed down and hugged and apologized, but I'm scared. I don't want to start cutting again. It controlled me for years. I don't want to go back to that. I do NOT want to go back to that.... but I do. :'(
Are you able to find a therapist in your new town? It's usually helpful for me to talk about things with my therapist.
Hang in there, I know you can do this.
I get the whole scar thing. I have a love hate relationship with mine. More like I am ok with them Hate them relationship. Fact is they can't just disappear. Maybe try derma blend if it is causing you stress. It covers it up nicely and you can get it at ulta. It's expensive but lasts a while.