It is all in what you are used to. I can become comfortable in the suicidal state just because that is what I am used to and can only see that in the near future. I am not sure if that makes sense, but it is how I feel.

We have just had the international hearing voices conferences here in melbourne which was held for the first time outside of Europe. One of the main speakers at the conference who has lived experience did a workshop the day after the conference called
"Living with suicidal feelings" which i was fortunate to attend. He was very much going on the same lines at this Jessica that its ok to be happy to live with the suicidal feelings. Just because we have suicidal feelings does not mean we are going to take our life. For myself with DID who has an alter personality who believes suicide is the only way to keep us safe working through this workshop was challenging but rewarding at the same time. Its important to validate where these feelings are coming from, accept them, learn to live with them and not simply dismiss them as some horrible attempt to get attention of whatever other negative connotations are out there regarding suicidal feelings. Sure we need to be careful if we find ourselves in danger but feelings are not actions.

I understand what you mean. You must be so used to having suicidal thoughts and feelings that it has become the norm for you. And when things become normal for us, they become comfortable to us even though it is unhealthy. You know?

It's similar to how people who grow up in rough homes tend to stay in rough environments. Because even though it is unhealthy and does not feel good, it is what they are used to. So, it feels normal and comfortable.

I hope that makes sense lol. Also, just make sure you do not act on those thoughts!

You also must have a feeling deep inside that you deserve to feel this way. And that is how your mind is justifying you thinking about suicide all the time. It is important to remember that you do not deserve anything bad to happen to you, nor did you deserve anything bad that has ever happened to you. It is not your fault, and you deserve nothing less than happiness! :)

I also just read your profile and realized that you have survived satanic ritual abuse. That is extremely traumatic, and it is common that people who have survived SRA feel the same way that you do. It's not your fault that you feel this way, it is your perpetrators' fault that you feel this way.