Hello, I am updating fellow members of the schizophrenia support group on how I've been doing this past month of May. In this past month of May , my Schizophrenia has been between good and bad. I've had new thoughts about very unpleasant things; like death, mainly people(family and friends) getting hurt, killed or commiting suicide. It frightens me very much, even though I know it's pretend and unreal. There are also some even fewer thoughts that started this last week. They are regarding a young man I know in my real life, outside of Daily Strength. Basically, I have a crush on this guy and he has a crush on me in return.

I have had some thoughts about loving this person, I hardly know that well, accept when we talk during and mainly after an art therapy class I attend at a community mental health organization. I prefer not to mention his name and the name of the mental health organization for personal reasons. He is a very shy, quiet, nice, caring, thoughtful young man and I do not understand why I am having these thoughts about him sexually cheating on me when we have never ever had sex. Please promise to never ever talk to anyone outside of Dailystrength about the above and below which is the fact thatI'm still a virgin and I do not know about him regarding if he's ever had a sexual relationship. Posssibly I should ask him about it, but I know it's just my mind coming up with pretend, unreal schizophrenia thoughts that don't make any sense whatsoever. I feel embarasssed and somewhat stupid, when I know I am not stupid to tell other people with schizophrenia about what I'm going through with my schizophrenia.

Deep down know I should never let these crazy, frightning, uncomfortable thoughts bother me again and instead focus on the positive things of our crush/friendship. Basically, our current status is just friends.As far as hallucintations, I've only had a few, which are mainly seeing things like flashing lights, neon rainbow lights, and black shadowy shapes floating out in the middle of space. They are very short and last up to a minute at most. I've also thought I've heard a few voices.

For postitive news I went to see a new psychiatrist on May 17th, and I ended up really liking him. He was caring, thoughtful, understanding and made me feel very comfortable. That same day, I was really happy with the experience and decided to change from my psychiatric ARNP(Registered Nurse Practitioner) to this new psychiatrist. My parents made another appointment on the same day, to see him on June 1st. I decided to change because I felt she was confusing and hard to understand. I have been on quite a few different medicines for schizophrenia and feel that I wasn't getting anywhere, only some relief but hardly not alot. I am currently on 20 mg of Abilify and lately it seems like it's just not working for me anymore. I've been on Abilify for a year and 5 months. I am hoping this new psychiatrist will be able to find the right dosage and the right combination of meds to help with my schizophrenia. I hope to feel better soon.

Take care,

Silkroad