2 nights ago my dream was interrupted by a loud man's voice that came from the sky that said "Lorna, Lorna, make a decision before tomorrow noon." Yesterday was okay but today I have been trying to make decisions about everything it could possibly mean. My negative voice was saying "I have decided to kill myself." so I decided I do not want to kill myself and it is such a hard thing to give up the idea. But that isn't what I wanted to talk about. I am like crazy making decisions and having to stick to them and I'm so afraid I'm missing the big decision I was supposed to make. I was working with some insulation today at the cabin and it's fibers were floating all over and I didn't even notice until my hands started stinging. I was breathing, you know? Then I thought I didn't stick to the decision to believe in my ability to be healthy so they were going to infect me with something that will cause cancer because I kept waffling about what I thought about cancer and I know that if I got cancer that it would be okay to kill myself which is what I'm never sure I don't want to and I'm so scared I am attracting this shit to myself. Oh God the brain just goes on and on. I keep asking "A decision about?" But no answer.
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The boys had a nice relaxing weekend. The first pic is them at the cottage, lying on the couch while we play cards. The second pic is in the gazebo in our backyard. They are never too far from their people. The small guy belongs to my daughter and even though I tease her and call him the barking rat, I will miss him when they leave at the end of the month.