Every year right around the holidays my mood seems to change and deteriorate really badly. I am not feeling myself. I do tend to try to stay engaged with everyone around me but I tend to get anxious and become very talkative and they seem to just not want to be bothered leaving me feeling lonely and feeling very unwanted. I have been feeling very depressed and suicidal lately and tend to just want to be alone but i have my son to take care of which I am doing a good job at keep myself contained. I am rather irritable and since no one will talk to me I just trail off on my own my voices have picked back up way way more. I have no psychiatrist at the moment the closest one is about 2 hours out that is recommended for me all doctors in my area have referred me to be admitted to duke psychiatric hospital as they cannot find a medication that stabilizes me to their liking without having high dosages of several different types. The last few years around Christmas I tend to isolate away from everyone and just sit in my own despair normally ending up hospitalized or just staying in my bedroom. I currently moved in with my boyfriend so their are other things I have to take care of and my son as any 3 month old baby is very demanding of my attention. I really honestly feel as though I need to go back to the hospital for the holidays and return afterwards. I don't want to ruin everyone else's holiday because I can't contain myself and be stable. I don't know what I'll do but I am taking action before Christmas.