Relationships have been hard for me. I have had alot of boyfriends because I told myself I loved them, but then we would break it off, and I would go to someone else. But now, I have been with my fiancee for almost three years.. Things between us are okay.. I am in love with someone else, and he knows this.. He plans that we will get through it together.

When it comes to friends, I don't have very many that I hang out with outside of school. Only one, and we rarely hang out because we are both busy with our own lives.

I have been in my church for a few years.. It is okay, but I don't like when new people come in, it makes it very hard to become friends with them; and I noticed that I am friends with the leaders/adults more than the teens.

thanks for your honesty. I appreciate your insight which gives me a better sense of things.

I am socially inept. I simply cannot make and keep friends in 3D. I have been a loner as long as I can remember. But I don't mind it. I feel more alone in a crowd than I do by myself.

When someone attempts to start a friendship with me it doesn't last long because I push them away...sabotage of sorts.

I am sorry braincandy. That must be hard for you.

You're welcome, malibumark. Things have just been very hard when it comes to friendship... Even with some people, I become obsessed.. Like the other person that I am in love with, I am totally obsessed with her....

My husband is my only real friend. I can truely trust him when I ask him to be honest about something I ask him. No one I know will be that honest with me (including family), they just tell me what they think I want to hear! I find it very difficult to cultivate new friendships/relationships mostly due to my schizophrenia...something I don't tell a lot of people about due to people's preconceived ideas about schizophrenia. The only person who understands me and doesn't think that I am crazy, is my husband...which is why he is my only friend.

I wish there was a handbook to refer to on how to make and keep good friends.

thank you bayrabbit,

I think relationships are a process of trial and error with most folks - i think we may have a bigger adjustment with all of that because of illness.

i have a hard time telling others I have Sz too - but I am looking to get involved with NAMI Los Angeles - so that maybe I don't have to conceal it. That will be hopefully my handbook referal to myself! :) Hopefully I can make friends there. I have so run away from communities in the past - and yet wanted connection too. Anyways, thanks.

I too avoid others/making friends because I fear rejection due to my illness. I don't want to be treated like a lesser being or have people feel the need to walk on eggshells around me. I just want to be treated like a well person. I did go to a Peer to Peer group sponsored by NAMI and although I didn't make any long term friends it was the longest time I was with people in a social setting where I didn't feel like a freak.

I'm a strange one when it comes to any sort of relationship, malibumark.
I tend to make fast friends when there is a commonality involved (a lot of my friends are musically inclined, for example, like myself). Same goes with church, as there exists a common faith.
Usually, though, I encounter large groups of people who are quite cliquish, and there's where I usually opt to be the lone wolf. I mean, YOU try to wade through a large group just to ask ONE of them to dance! Takes balls of steel, huh? Maybe that makes me a bit misanthrope-ish, but that's how I cope.
Same goes for my romantic involvements- if I can't establish a one-on-one rapport with you, I generally don't wanna waste the effort. Or, to put it another way, "I don't wanna romance your friends...I wanna romance YOU." In friendships and romantic involvements, I'm very much the same- usually, if I have a person-to-person, mano-a-mano relationship, then can let myself feel CLOSE to that person.
Does that make me a misfit? If it does, well, I'm a schizophrenic...social situations are tough for me as it is! That's just me, though...

thanks braincandy, thanks jay - I appreciate your vantages, they're a great support and relief to me to read about my similar inclinations.
Not having a great moment right now, I feel like I am in touch with the contradictions within myself (or maybe just limits) and though I feel powerless, I also feel like comforted by what you wrote.
Peace,

M

Came to the conclusion I'm not capable of a relationship. I told this to my therapist the other month and she said this is a huge breakthrough and would help me with it. So I guess there is hope in me at the moment on this.

Relationships, I guess that would require eye contact and speech..hmmm I don't go there often but when I find a topic that I have interest in I can talk or write to someone for long time. Earlier in life when my heart was open I had happier and hopeful inner life and was quite willing to share in friendly eye contact and mild manner . I once offered a kidney to a distant relative that I'd never met before.
To make a long story short they (many in society) closed that heart of mine with constant and purposeful effort with envy and bitter cold .I now make every effort to avoid people with whom I have nothing to do with.
I come here because I hope to find people that have experienced
what I have and then I could visit and talk and talk and listen and listen.
I remember that there was a good deal of anger displayed by others when I had happy or gentle speech it appeared to drive them nuts and would interrupt me constantly and even pre-emptively which they will say is impossible after awhile one catches on and begins to remain silent for longer periods then they attack the inner life once excluded from productive relationships (ie: voices , home invasions , theft, threatening eye contact and body language as well as the use of their cars and trucks in a threatening manner).
QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT THE PERSON AT THE CHURCH WAS REFERRING TO WHEN THEY SAID THAT TO YOU ? Was it an overblown issue made by some sort of envy or immaturity on their part ? The staring here in traffic and in some public places is unbelievable and there are very hyper types that really control others here in my hometown.
Those with symptoms of mental Illness can only be understood by others who have mental Illness who do a fair share of research are positive in their outlooks and COMPASSION..kindness , understanding not because someone else is watching but because it is deeply a part of who they are. Love would cure so many things !

thanks for your responses Edison and SirBunny. I hope you can find the relationships you want. I hope the same for me. This is a good place to connect. Connection can be so hard. Peace, Mark