Did you ever read any of the writings of Byron Katie? Her work is based on four questions: Do you know that it's true? Are you absolutely positive it's true? Is there any possible other explanation? Who would you be, or how would you act, if you thought the other explanation was true instead?

Applied to your situation, these questions would mean figuring out if there's any other possible scenario to explain the late invitation - and you know there are plenty. So, since you've got to believe something, and you can't be one hundred percent sure (even if you confronted your daugher, not probably a good move)............then why not believe the one that makes you feel best? This isn't a Pollyanna move. If you decide to choose another interpretation (daughter's flakey, daughter wanted to get a good reservation and was on a waiting list and someone cancelled, daughter has a best friend who just started chemo and she's kind of been focused on that.....there are so many possibilities) then just think what a better lunch companion you'll be, and how much better time you and your daughter will both have, and how much happier she'll be to hang with you next time. As opposed to being all hangdoggy and grovelly if you believe she's doing a pity invite.

Sometimes you just have to choose your own reality, you know? Dress up, smile, go have a great time.

Thanks for responding, Katie.

She's flakey and a procrastinator. I know that. But I guess I didn't mention the other things that make me feel like an obligation....such as very short phone calls when she calls. She'll initiate the call and very quickly say she tried or something. (Why call when you're tired?)

When we do meet for dinner - twice a year...it's as short as possible. It's all gotten far worse since she's been married - the past 3 years.

When we talk, I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells....that I'll say something she doesn't want to hear or talk about. It's never relaxed or fun anymore.

there's many choices of reality: you raised them to be brilliant, interesting, self sufficient, non provincial iconoclasts, successful according to whatever version they have for an operating system that points them to success, and on and on. we also have had posters on here years back talk about multi generational you know age 1 to 100 family disfunction all under one roof with no boundaries within miles replete with financial angst, emotional angst, and physical impossibility. I am not dismissing your version of reality - I am just thinking maybe take the glass is half full type of scenario - (smiling)

sorry they are inattentive the old fashioned way by phone. can you get them to video message? do you travel towards them every year?

the hallmark holidays are so imbued with so much. the last I can say - is I have a lot of intentional family - my friendships going back over 35 years. I bet you are a great a friend as you are a Mom. call upon those friends to do things before and after the loaded day, if you can. self select your joy then grab someone onto it.

depot

WarriorGal, I'm sad for you, but more so for your kids, because you're amazing, and they're missing out. I'd still try hard to steer away from drawing conclusions that you can't truly verify. I have regrets about not having spent enough time with various family members who are gone now, but there was no malice involved. The days just kept slipping by. Surround yourself with intentional family - that's a great phrase, Depot.

I do understand Gal. I understand from personal experience. RA does something to us and I'm not speaking just physically. The meds do something to us beyond the physical as well. I have the same mixed up feelings of expectation, anxiety, guilt, etc when it comes to any event, most certainly family. The reason said get togethers aren't fun anymore is probably because you and I aren't fun anymore. I try to change me but have thus far failed. I'll continue trying. I'll continue trying to be positive, upbeat and pleasant to be around. I must get over my own expectations of me and what I think that I should be doing which, I think, I'm transferring to those whom I love and thereby driving myself further away from them.

I do understand. Only you and only I can fix what's emanating from between our ears. Strange, strange disease. I do wish you the best.

Thanks all...all good food for thought. I know the only one I can change is myself and it doesn't really matter WHY she does what she does. The bottom line is that it hurts. And, yes...one could say it hurts only if I let it...

But being all ALONE SUCKS sometimes!! I have lots of friends. many in the same situation. I do attend group functions and outings on some holidays... And sometimes I just have myself a pity party! This year, this time, I needed that and so i gave it to myself. Thanks for listening.

Feeling slighted never feels good, no matter the reason.

BINGO!

Getting to this late, but I think you nailed it, WG! You are lonely! Family is so important and we live in such a dysfunctional society as far as family is concerned. Well, maybe not so much dysfunctional, but different than any other generation. Even when I grew up, we were mostly all close to one another, and had annual or semi-annual gatherings of extended family. But, the cracks in that model were already showing. One uncle and family moved to NY state, the other moved to LA. That's a long way from northern Alberta, in the days before Face Time, Skype and free internet conversations face to face.

My family is also far from us. One son and family was 7 blocks away. We helped with the kids, with fixing their home, and the thanks we got was they moved to Hong Kong! (Just joking!) But, we do talk to them weekly, and even the 2 year old recognizes us after 10 months, and gets excited when he see us.

Anyway, I"m rambling as usual. Why not try to think of your daughter as caring? As putting herself out there, in spite of the rest of her life. She doesn't just remember you, she honours you by taking you out. Enjoy the meal!

And maybe find some outside activities where you can make connections. I go to church, and that works well for my husband and I. You may want to join a book club, or an in person RA support group to help newbie, with all your experience. Start one, if you can! Or anything else you are interested in. You are an incredibly creative and talented individual, with a passion for helping those with RA. I saw your video series and it was truly amazing. Build on that strength, and hopefully, it will bring you into contact with people you can help.

I have lots of other ideas for you, I just don't want to push my ideas and life on you. Let us know if you decide to make any changes. I will support you in this, and I am sure others on this board will too!

Thanks Marlene. I have many friends and am involved with my church among other things.

Mothers day is a particularly hard day for me. I lost my eldest daughter in 1995. My next eldest lives in New Zealand. Middle son is in Kansas. It's painful.

I'll look at this from another angle. I am not accusing or scolding your daughter, but what I am going to take from your comments is to think of how I maybe do similar things sometimes, and it's not right. Yes, we all get busy and we all have many responsibilities, but it only takes a few minutes to call or send a text or email or do something to at least show friends and loved ones that we care, and not just on holidays. Small things we can do to be kind to others, even strangers, can make a big impact on someone else's day. I think it is an important thing to teach our kids as well.
I hope you have a nice mother's day!

Appreciated. and yes, a lesson for ALL of us!

WARRIOR Gal
My heart hurts for you

Thanks, Yazzy.

The one good thing about holding a private pity party is that you don't need to share your wine. So at least there's that.

On the serious side, I'm gut-checking myself frequently these days to make sure I'm not talking too much about the RA in conversation or seeming too self-absorbed or whatever. It's a struggle. I try to schedule my pity parties in advance and try to let out all the weird in a controlled way; it seems to help.