Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...
Since being diagnosed with RA a few months ago, I've noticed some changes in my relationship with my wife. At first she seemed very concerned and followed me around and waited on me like I was an invalid....I didn't like this btw, since I've always been an independent type person.
Fast forward two months later and I don't see that anymore, Yeah, she'll ask how I'm doing today but at times, I don't think she really understands. I love her dearly and we've always been honest with each other but I've got so I hate to tell her how I really feel. A few times just the other day, she ask me to do this or that, go here or there and I said I really didn't feel like it and it seemed she got a little upset. I really don't think she understands how this disease has taken it's toll on me emotionally and physically. I've lost almost 30 lbs in the last 4 months, I can't seem to stay awake more than a few hours at a time but at the same time, I don't sleep well at all. Only on nights I take the Mtx do I sleep all night. Other than that night, it's two three hours and I'm up walking around, napping throughout the day while she is at work.
My desire to be intimate is not there anymore. We've always had a great relationship when it comes to being as one but lately, I just don't have it in me. I'm either to tired or sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm cheating her or somewhat of a failure and my manhood is slipping away. Perhaps, it's depression that is setting in, or perhaps it's just the nature of the beast. Either way...it's taken it's toll.
Thanks for listening and I'll add that I really enjoy this board. It's a place where I feel comfortable enough to sound off and be understood. To be honest, I don't think people that are perfectly healthy understand any of this, the emotions we go through daily and how hard it is for us with RA to really be ourselves like we used to be.
Fast forward two months later and I don't see that anymore, Yeah, she'll ask how I'm doing today but at times, I don't think she really understands. I love her dearly and we've always been honest with each other but I've got so I hate to tell her how I really feel. A few times just the other day, she ask me to do this or that, go here or there and I said I really didn't feel like it and it seemed she got a little upset. I really don't think she understands how this disease has taken it's toll on me emotionally and physically. I've lost almost 30 lbs in the last 4 months, I can't seem to stay awake more than a few hours at a time but at the same time, I don't sleep well at all. Only on nights I take the Mtx do I sleep all night. Other than that night, it's two three hours and I'm up walking around, napping throughout the day while she is at work.
My desire to be intimate is not there anymore. We've always had a great relationship when it comes to being as one but lately, I just don't have it in me. I'm either to tired or sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm cheating her or somewhat of a failure and my manhood is slipping away. Perhaps, it's depression that is setting in, or perhaps it's just the nature of the beast. Either way...it's taken it's toll.
Thanks for listening and I'll add that I really enjoy this board. It's a place where I feel comfortable enough to sound off and be understood. To be honest, I don't think people that are perfectly healthy understand any of this, the emotions we go through daily and how hard it is for us with RA to really be ourselves like we used to be.
Please don't think you're alone in this. I can totally understand your feelings. I'm a woman who has been married to the love of my life for 38 years and was diagnosed with my first serious medical issue--Meniere's Disease, five and a half years ago and RA a couple of years later. I find that in my mind my life is divided into "before Meniere's and RA" and after "MD and RA." In reality the diseases have changed me so much that I barely recognize myself. I still work, but have no energy left for anything afterwards. My hubby is very supportive and tries to understand but no one CAN understand unless they have lived it. Our intimacy has become a good hug or snuggle and a pat as we walk by. I not only have to deal with RA pain, but also have damaged balance and frequent dizzy spells--none of which makes either of us feel very romantic. So, just as you might feel less manly, so do I feel less of a woman. I can't even keep my house clean anymore or cook healthy meals for my family, much less be intimate. There is a good amount of needless guilt associated with that. We can't help being sick; we didn't choose it; but we have a hard time accepting our limitations. I do NOT make a very good disabled person--still refusing to quit work as long as I can hobble into the office with a cane. I think all our feelings are perfectly normal under the circumstances. Most of us have some degree of situational depression; it's only human to mourn the loss of our old selves, but I have promised myself to be the best I can at being me RIGHT NOW. That's all you can ask of yourself. Sounds as though your wife is a lovely person who would probably welcome a good heart-to-heart talk about the changes your health has caused. I think you will find that once she knows how you really feel, you will be reassured of her love for you and her willingness to try to understand how you feel. Only a good man would be worried about all these things, so you must be a terrific husband! I encourage you to talk things over with your wife; pouring out your heart is one of the most intimate things you can do! (And we women love it:)
Good luck and God bless
Marlene
It takes time bc it changes a spouses life nearly as much as our own. The only difference was, he could go to work and get away from it all...
Things are very good now. We are closer bc now we know we will stick together when hard times come. We had been married only one and a half years before i was dxed with RA.
Off-topic
I am definitely old school with greeting cards. I mail a birthday card to everyone in the family, in-laws included. My wife keeps every card I ever gave her. It's quite a stack!!
I send anniversary cards to all the marriage dates that I know.
I still think it's more cool to get a personal note in the mail as opposed to a text or e-mail.
Have a nice day!
TheWino
It's good that some traditions are ongoing
Kudos
Bluedogs2
You got me waking up with a laugh. If you don't mind, I have to add this to my repertoire:
"A card in the mail is worth ten on the tube"
You, sir, have a way with words. I love it.
Have a good day, Blue!
TheWino
Peace
Bluedogs2
The thought came to me that though we live in a modern society where compassion seems so lacking, you just need to look on here to find some of that good old fashioned kindness.
Just two of my thoughts. One was a talk I heard a while back which discusse the mellowing of couple relationships and how they become like good flatmates in terms of comfortable friendship. Intimacy isnt the whole and for many not necessary at all. Yet the relationship remains something invaluable.
The other an article I read about one school of thinking about dwelling on problems. I often dont tell people I have RA and nowadays I rarely tell my husband too much unless I cant do something very specific and need help. He is as sympathetic as he can be given his farmer type temperament. If I want to complain I can come on here!!
Not everyone, male or female, can keep up with dealing with someone else's problems and it may also not be good for us to keep the spotlight on them.
I dont know if this is sounding wrong and my way isnt necessarily everyone's way.
Your wife will still love you and in her heart is probably giving what she can. She may be stressing with her girl pals too and you dont know that she is actually upset. Only a thought...
We all muddle along, do what we can and have this site for our back up and that wonderful word - compassion.