Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You have truly been through the valley. It sounds quite similar to what happened with my mother, although she was in a nursing home. But I was the caregiver. My two brothers did little. That was ok, though, as I was the only daughter, and we were best friends.

Even while my mother was still alive, I was so bothered by painful swelling in my ankles and feet. My doctor did the RA test, but it was negative, so he basically threw up his hands.

When my mother passed away, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The pain and swelling increased to the point that I was on a walker. It took a year before I finally found some answers and help. I always feel like I totally fell apart after my dear mother died.

So I can't offer any words of wisdom, but just know that I feel like I've been there, and I understand, I'm praying for you, because it is so hard to lose our mothers. It's been two years for me, and I was just thinking this morning that I miss her every single day. God bless you! If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

Snappyarms2, I'm glad you found this little corner of the world, just sad the reasons why. I, too, took care of my mom. She lived with us for ten years. And was very ill. I miss her every day.

I understand looking at your hands and wondering, "Is this really me?" I do that with my entire life!.

I'm sad you are hurting from RA and the loss of your mom. What helps you when you are feeling, understandably stressed? Lately, I've been listening to peaceful and comforting music. It encourages me.

I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Gentle hugs

Aww, thank you for your reply and I am saddened for your loss as well. I'm sorry that my post probably brought renewed pain to your heart over her loss. I am struggling thru the "firsts".. holidays, her birthday was last week, their anniversary this week. Replying to Christmas cards to her friends who had not heard yet, that has been tough. But I suck it up, the dam has only sprung small leaks and I am waiting for it to burst. Now, the one who could give me the most compassion and sympathy is gone.

My tests also came back negative, but my GP sent me to the rheumatologist who seems to be very informed and concerned. I feel very lucky compared to some on this board and have started treatments. I've had zero side effects after my first injection and the swelling has decreased in my knees and ankles.

I can't help but wonder if this RA is the result of the stress? I honestly hope she is not looking down and seeing me like this, she would not be at peace, as she should be. She was so worried about me spending those months away from my home even though I assured her I was where I wanted to be, with her. I suppose I really should be saying all this on a grief forum and not hijack this RA board.

Thank you for your reply and understanding. You have helped. How are you doing now? There is a sense of peace knowing what we did for our mothers was the best we could have and they loved us for it. Here's to a pain free day for all!!

These past few months I have been trying to force the built up sadness to come to the surface thru music. I even googled "sad songs" but found that too hard, not to mention that my computer went black and a message came up that I had infected it :) So I switched to some AC/DC, Led Zepplin, anything to avoid crying. I am also executor of the estate so I am dealing with all that and am afraid to let loose I suppose. I told myself I would start on her taxes today, but here I sit.

You both have made me think that for today, we should remember some really good, special, funny things about our mom's and dad's. Thank you for that!

Oh boy. It's a familiar story and you have my sympathy (sympathy? Not a strong enough word)
Almost five years ago I came down with Lyme and it's coinfection Babesiosis, got fired, then hubby was diagnosed with lymphoma- all within 6 months. After treatment with high power antibiotics, I still didn't feel well. But who cares when your hubby is fighting cancer? 3/4 thru chemo I couldn't take it any more and sought a Rheumy who diagnosed me with sero neg RA. Chemo affected hubby MENTALLY biggggg time- plus remember I had been fired- no $$$$. Meanwhile mom started to go downhill. I am the oldest of four and the only one who ever gave a darn. (I realized that CAN be a good thing. No one protested when I took her car away etc. Sibs didn't know, didn't care). Yes stress big time. Plus our first grandchild was born in this period (happy thing). I set mom up in an assisted living place, broke down her 3 bedroom house almost single handedly in a short mandated period of time. ANY FELT LIKE SUPREME CRAP. Fast forward a bit, hubby is 3 1/2 yrs in remission, I found my drug cocktail. Mom died on Labor Day. One brother (her fav) never even came to the funeral. Now I am executor and the saga continues. Same daughter had two more babies (yay!)
I'm only sharing my soap opera to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You can get thru it. Just take one day at a time. Learn your own pattern of life (I'm up and busy 4 days, in bed 3). Don't do too much, allow 6 weeks for any med change to settle down. And keep on hollering if after the 6 weeks, you still aren't feeling "better".

You all sound strong to me. You still go on through the midst of very challenging circumstances.

Gees, Snappyarms2, (love your screen name). After I re-read my post, I felt like I was giving one of those trite answers--that we all hate --when I told you I listen to music. Please forgive me; I'm not my normal self. I'm my new normal self. What ever that is. Sad music didn't help me either, but I've found a CD that you can tell the guy who wrote it, has gone through some heavy suffering. Consequently, his music is truly comforting. I've given it to so many people who have gone through every thing from a loss of a child, loss of a job, to a bad diagnosis, and they, in turn, send it to people they know who are in a deep valley. One song is "Not Right Now." The line is "I know everything is going to Okay, but not right now." It's very curative.

Have you ever noticed, it seems that the nicest people go through the toughest things? Sometimes I just don't understand.

Journey, not trite at all! I find your posts very helpful. I'm finding all these posts both compassionate and understanding. There are just so many stories, each that brings a wide range of emotions, the good, the bad, the ugly. I am going to find that song you mentioned too.

AtHome, holy moly! You surely have been thru the wringer!! Me thinks you are one tough cookie!! I was happy to see your husband's in remission, grand kids galore and life is tolerable. I will try my hardest to take the one day at a time advice. I'm a grandma of 1 and it's the best medicine for me!

Snappy, it sure does help to write out our feelings and share with others who understand, who have gone through the valley, too. That's why I spend so much time in this group, because I have no one in my circle who understands at all what I deal with.

I'm doing much better, with the passage of time. But I'm like you, not wanting my mother to see me suffering. In fact, I have to share this sweet moment we had one week before she died. She was actually telling me that she knew she wasn't going to get better, and she wanted to make sure with me if it was ok for her to let go. She told me she worried about me, and how I would deal with it. I told her not to think about me, because I didn't want to see her suffer anymore.

Also like you, I lost the one who could give me the sympathy and support needed when I didn't know how I was going to do with this journey. But like I said, the passage of time helps a lot. And also knowing I did my very best for her....I really have no regrets on that score.

Well, you will make it. It's ok not to feel strong, too. I feel like I'm the whimpiest person alive...lol! On those days I just tell The Lord I need Him more than ever, and please help me get through it.

Bless you!

I am so sorry for the passing of your mother and thankful for you that you were able to be there for her in her time of need.

I am also sorry for your own diag of RA. This is a tough disease. ... not like cancer.... where ppl rally around you and seem to come to your aid and support... it's very misunderstood and usually not even given a second thought.

Yes, I understand that stress that seems to precursor the disease. My life was FULL of stress at every angle... work, marriage, home, .... and it hit me full force and caught me totally off guard. I was always the one that ate well, exercised, took care of myself, etc.... It shocked me as well as family and friends to be diaged so young w/ an uncurable disease.

We are here for you. ... many ppl here "get it" when ppl around you do not.

welcome. and glad you are here w/ our group.
Namaste xo Sun

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. My whole life was stress, I had 4 children, 3 boys in hockey (2 in rep and elite hockey) and a daughter in figure skating. I had 17 ice slots a week. I had to start working full time to pay for everything, but I thought I could handle it. Plus, I was teaching a lot of French, which I spoke, but I decided to brush up with some university courses. Of course, I could always study in the arena, after marking papers, right?

I started getting random flares, which settled into a few joints then a lot. I couldn't get a diagnosis, but I was too busy to have one, anyway. Then my husband got transferred to another province. I was too wrecked to move. By that time I knew something was really wrong, so I filed for disability and needed to stay with the doctors I had. At least that is what I tell myself.

Long and short of it, I had to go permanently on disability. I took off about 6 years and did nothing but watch TV and learn how to read books again. By the time I finally got on a biologic, I had loads of damage, and I never got back to work. I did keep going to figure skating 6 days a week, but the other mothers were actually very kind and helpful. One even sewed sequins on my daughter's competition dress. I was supposed to help out at a competition, and there were no chairs available. I left an hour later in tears, so much for being a good mom.

So no death in the family for quite a few years to come, and I was very stable when I had to be the caregiver for my father. My mom is still alive, but I have moved away from where she lives, now that we are retired.

So welcome to the group. My personal feeling, plus some of the things I have read do point to stress and/or abuse being triggers to start this disease. I'm sorry again you had to go through so much, but glad you got one of the good docs, who rightly treated you quickly and got your disease under control.

Thank you all for your replies. Your stories, struggles, and words of encouragement are starting to give me a new perspective. Yes, I have been doing a lot of the why me, didn't I do everything I could questions, but I know she knew! There were a lot of positives during those last months together.

Two stories make me chuckle now and then. Mom was so worried about me leaving my life for awhile, always telling me I should go home and back to work. After she passed her ashes were sent to Maine where I live to be buried in our family plot. My husband happens to be the docent for the cemetery. Our Post office called him advising that her ashes had arrived and we were still in SC for her services. I suddenly realized she made it home even before I did! She would have laughed at that herself.

When I finally got to leave I went thru security screening at the airport X-ray machine. Went thru OK but was pulled away afterwards by security who said they saw something on my wrist. She checked me out and realized it was my wrist bone which was enlarged due to swelling. Still can't figure out what in the world they thought I was carrying on my wrist?

Anyway, thank you all for the warmest welcome and know that your kindnesses and advice are helping others get thru the day!

hope the pred acting as a bridge until the effects of the mtx start to kick in, is working as it should now, so you can get some immediate small relief. don't forget to take your folic.

if you feel like crap still around the methotrexate, i like taking the leucovorin also - ask your rheumie.

maybe you'll respond right away - I hope so.

welcome. we are glad you are here.

depot

As depot says,

Welcome -

sorry you had to find this group of extraordinary folks, but glad you did.

Peace
Bluedogs2

First I'm so sorry. I went through a simulair journey with my mother.
Out of 10 children I was very much the Lone Ranger with her care. I have no regrets. Went below 98 pounds & lord knows no sleep. To end up with PTSD after her passing. I came to the realization it was my siblings lose in the end. They never shared those rare moments.
You gave her the most precious of gifts. You were her blessing & you will be blessed for your selfless abilities. May not seem like it now being hit with RA.
So many theories as to why & how......
Who knows perhaps that tendency starts in the womb. So they say it can be triggered by a virus or trauma to the body, genetics, perhaps multiple factors unbeknown to us... Obviously for what ever reason the tendency is there.
The more you learn & research the more you come to realize how little medical science actually knows about this group of auto immunes.
I'm sorry you have to go through this after all you've been through.
Yet as you see you wont go on this journey alone.
Wonderful group here.
Hugs
Sammy