I am 48 and my husband is 57. We have only been married 4 yrs. He met me knowing I had RA. He never saw a flare until I had emergency surgery Julu 2012. I have been in a flare since then. Your post is exactly how I feel. As my husband says, "I love you no matter what." It is hard to believe most of the time. Believe in your marriage vows---for sickness and health. Another thing to try, remember ALL the ways you help him too. A true marriage is equal partnership. Sometimes you give more and sometimes he gives more. My friend tells me that everyday when I feel I am leaving him down. Good luck and remember to say "I love you" to him alot!!! Take Care.

Kim,
He is with you because he loves you, always remember that.
My SO and I have been together for 4 years. The first 2 were a blast we were always out doing something, then RA hit and our lives have changed dramatically.
We do what we can when I feel good and try to make the most of those moments. Sure our lives have changed, but our feelings for each other have not.
I actually feel closer to him now as he has shown me patience, caring and great nurturing over these past 2 years. He knows it won't be getting any better, and since we aren't married he could have walked along time ago. Instead, we purchased a house together and made a deeper committment. He talks about how he will take care of me when we are older.
I wouldn't trade him for anyone.
I pray that things get easier for you. Have faith in your marriage.
Kim

Yes I do.
I was in chronic pain before RA & one of the hardest things for me was the feeling of cheating my family.
Took me a long time to not feel so awful about it.
I started a support group in my PMs office.
The Nurse there actually got a little angry with me.
She simply ask me did I ask for these problems?
No of course not.
The hard part is not letting these diseases take over who we really are. We are still wives, moms, sisters & so on...
Our bodies may be different but inside we are the same women our husbands married.
In the most important ways you are still there for him.
If you think about it for better or for worse can encompass so many things in life. There are marriages with 2 perfectly healthy people that are not near as solid or strong as mine. We bring so much more to our marriages then we realize. Its just hard not to feel the way we do at times.

My body is a mess but my heart & love belongs to me, not this disease.

I know I'd be there for my husband if the roles were reversed.
It still bothers me but not quite as much as it used to.
Your not alone Ive seen many, many posts from people, men & women wondering about the same thing.
Blessings, Sammy

We have 24 years with all of the normal ups and downs; neither one of us is going to get any younger and neither one of us is getting out of this alive. Love is love in all of its strange and unique forms and what I have been going thru since Oct I wouldn't wish on anyone but my husband does what he can to make life less stressful and easier. He has taken over a lot of the household things I used to do with no bitching (I think he actually enjoys it more than I ever did, he is a very organized person-with schedules and all). He had a minor heart attack 5 years ago and I don't love him any less; so give yourself a break, a good man is a good man. Times get tough for everyone and just learn to roll with the punches; you guys will be fine. Trish

Thanks everyone you have all been so uplifting to me.

My RA hit the year after my husband died. we were married for 27 years.. I think he would have accepted me no matter what condition as I accepted and loved him for his last year fighting cancer. I would have continued with him no matter what condition if he had survived.
I think that is how most of us are

What would you do if HE had RA? or Cancer? Or something else?

I'd expect you do GET the same that you would GIvE.

Sammy, well said. "Our bodies may be different but inside we are the same women our husbands married."

i liked what you said. of course, i would always be there for my hubby if he has to deal with any kind of illness as he is with me now. Kimberley, its very common what you are thinking about your marriage and husband. this thought hurts me too. i feel more guilty bcoz i am not able to work and i cant support him financially. we are in tough situations now. whenever i say this to him, he tells me only one thing "whatever happens happens. leave it to me. all you do is JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF." i feel good whenever he says that, but inside me.................something always kills me. we all are in same boat. pls dont let this thought kill you. he is with you bcoz he loves you. just think about him and do whatever you can to get closer and closer. a candle light dinner at home, enjoying some old romantic music together, sharing some childhood memories, think something different and try to get near him and say "i love you" a lot. that works. for me, i never talk to him about my RA or my pains. all i talk to him most of the time is about my baby and make him smile and forget about all the troubles.

think positive. never let this thought come in to your mind again. just enjoy your marriage life as much as possible in a happy way. good luck.

Hi, I'm 30 yrs old and have had RA for 5 yrs now. My husband and I have been married 7 yrs this Sept. I feel like a burden to my husband and ask him "teasingly" if he ever thought of trading me in for a "better model". but he tells me that although, as he puts it, my body is JUNK he loves me and married me in sickness and health and my heart and mind are the same. he wishes I just didn't have these issues and didn't feel the way I do. your husband loves you too. I think we have to give our significant others more credit than we do. they wouldn't be here if they didn't want to be.

RA makes it clear whether you are together "IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH". It is a test that life or fate or God has given you and your SO. Feel happy you passed and feel compassion for those whose relationships failed. Most of all, thank your lucky stars for each day!

This disease wreaks havoc on our bodies, our minds, our self image and our sexuality.

There are some good sites out there . . . .
google RA and sexuality
Part of our relationships with our spouses/partners is the emotional and physical connection, when that is taken away or affected in a major way it is a low blow.

Yes we know that they love us and find us desirable, even if a "better model" (hubby and I joke about that too) seems like a good idea, but WE need to feel it too.
hugs

Not to worry. The vows were for good or bad, better or worse. There are ups and downs for everything in a a relationship. I am sure he loves you or believe me he would have been gone been a flash, 20 years or no. I agree with Jeanne, a true marriage is a partnership and you are blessed to have him with you. Enjoy each other in sickness and in health for as long as you can.

Ive been married 27yrs
Been through the good, bad & ugly.
My husband does not say much, he is a dreamer when it comes to my health thinking some thing out there will come a long to make me all better. There are those rare times he just looks at me & says you need to take better care I can't live without you.

I feel guilty for not being able to do more, go more, enjoy more, contribute more but that statement reminds me I am still the woman he married.

If he did not care or love me the same because of my conditions then I would not want him to stick around. I want him to love me for me, the bad, good & ugly.

The parts of us that truly matter & make us who we are continue to be rooted deep inside. We cannot allow RA or anything else take the good from us.
As much as I hurt from various things I am me, I would still do the same except physically of course.

If I can help someone in need I do, If my husband has a problem I'm there. I can still laugh, try to find some humor, give him a shoulder to lay his head when life gets tough, even though that shoulder hurts.

Ive seen a lot lately, lost some loved ones. Let me tell you I watched my husbands best friend sobbing with the lose of his brother. His wife just stood there talking to others, My husband lost it & sobbed right along with his best friend as they are all childhood friends. I wrapped my arms around my husband & held on tight reassuring him.

I watch people, it some times amazes me.
No with all my limitations & bad days I'm still me. There are times such as that my husband remembers why we married. He has a huge heart as do I. RA cant take that away.

In some ways it can bring us closer. Its hard on families no doubt. I think we forget at times but they have to watch us suffer & for most thats a hard topic to discuss.
On the flip side it can create more stress with everyone having to adjust & responsabilities change. That can occur for many reasons other then RA. I need more help around the house & that is the one area my family struggles with, superwoman has retired.
Sammy