Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...
It's a frustrating Monday morning. I'm not the only one that carry's resentment with them I'm sure.
I'm 50 years old and in the throws on menopause. And of course RA hits right in the middle of it. Before RA We were lucky enough to be intimate at least twice a week. I am not a "be intimate in the evening" person because I am just too darn tired at night and have no motivation to be otherwise. I want to sleep.
My best time was always in the afternoons, when I'm happy, alert and awake. But husband is a "first thing in the morning man" when I am half asleep and haven't had any coffee. Okay, before RA I could handle it. But now.....
Friday afternoon I was decorating the house and I bent towards a table to put a Santa on it. Believe it or not I stepped on the side/ankle of my own foot. It hurt so bad. All my weight. The shoe started at the side and slid down where the tendons are. PAIN! Saturday morning I woke up in pain. In fact, I tossed and turned a lot overnight from the pain. So Saturday morning I knew he would want to be intimate but I was in so much pain I knew I needed to get out of bed, move around, slather on the pain cream I have and have a cup of coffee first. After about 30 minutes I started heading back to our room when half way in the hall I heard our door open and he came out. Basically he was waiting for me to come back and when I didn't he got up. Well, I was going back in but had to "get better" first. I'd like to enjoy myself too! Well, suffice to say...nothing happened. The whole incident dampened his mood. When things don't go his way he tends to pout about it and carry a grudge and get in a mood. I even hinted and said lets go. But because it all went down the way it did, nothing happened.
Saturday I shopped all day, went to a Xmas party in the evening (Danced like I haven't in years) and Sunday did more shopping, Sunday I made home made meatball soup after shopping all day and was so dead tired I voiced I was going to bed at 7:30 pm which did not go over well. I went to bed hurt and sad because he just don't understand. The last 7 days I have slept like crap. I've had pain the last week that wakes me up whenever I move. That's my first experience with night pain. So he goes to bed at 8:30 thinking the whole intimacy thing is going to happen. HELLO. I went to bed at 7:30 because I was dead dog tired. Another damper on his world.
Intimacy is few and far between now. I just don't feel good in the mornings. I am stiff, painful and every morning nauseous until I get up and about. I get up at 4:45 Monday through Friday and don't feel good until about 8 AM. He can't understand why afternoons are best. Then he gets weirded out about afternoon weekends because our daughter is home. She's 22! Who cares! She herself has a boyfriend who occasionally spends the night on weekends.
Since he don't really understand RA or how I feel, how do I deal with the whole issue. It gets so frustrating because I become the bad guy. ugh, Men! And yes, I know. Not all men :)
How do you get a man to understand that intimacy has to come at the same time he wants to play in his garage? How do you compromise. I thought Saturday was perfect until his world was turned upside down just because I took too long to come back to the room. Intimacy is a weird issue for him. If things don't go exactly as planned then it can turn ugly. Which makes no sense to me. Oh...just a note. He is also bipolar and OCD and always has this "timeline" thing going on. So if his timeline does not work out the way it should it's almost the end of the world. He is much better since starting meds almost 3 years ago but still.
I'm 50 years old and in the throws on menopause. And of course RA hits right in the middle of it. Before RA We were lucky enough to be intimate at least twice a week. I am not a "be intimate in the evening" person because I am just too darn tired at night and have no motivation to be otherwise. I want to sleep.
My best time was always in the afternoons, when I'm happy, alert and awake. But husband is a "first thing in the morning man" when I am half asleep and haven't had any coffee. Okay, before RA I could handle it. But now.....
Friday afternoon I was decorating the house and I bent towards a table to put a Santa on it. Believe it or not I stepped on the side/ankle of my own foot. It hurt so bad. All my weight. The shoe started at the side and slid down where the tendons are. PAIN! Saturday morning I woke up in pain. In fact, I tossed and turned a lot overnight from the pain. So Saturday morning I knew he would want to be intimate but I was in so much pain I knew I needed to get out of bed, move around, slather on the pain cream I have and have a cup of coffee first. After about 30 minutes I started heading back to our room when half way in the hall I heard our door open and he came out. Basically he was waiting for me to come back and when I didn't he got up. Well, I was going back in but had to "get better" first. I'd like to enjoy myself too! Well, suffice to say...nothing happened. The whole incident dampened his mood. When things don't go his way he tends to pout about it and carry a grudge and get in a mood. I even hinted and said lets go. But because it all went down the way it did, nothing happened.
Saturday I shopped all day, went to a Xmas party in the evening (Danced like I haven't in years) and Sunday did more shopping, Sunday I made home made meatball soup after shopping all day and was so dead tired I voiced I was going to bed at 7:30 pm which did not go over well. I went to bed hurt and sad because he just don't understand. The last 7 days I have slept like crap. I've had pain the last week that wakes me up whenever I move. That's my first experience with night pain. So he goes to bed at 8:30 thinking the whole intimacy thing is going to happen. HELLO. I went to bed at 7:30 because I was dead dog tired. Another damper on his world.
Intimacy is few and far between now. I just don't feel good in the mornings. I am stiff, painful and every morning nauseous until I get up and about. I get up at 4:45 Monday through Friday and don't feel good until about 8 AM. He can't understand why afternoons are best. Then he gets weirded out about afternoon weekends because our daughter is home. She's 22! Who cares! She herself has a boyfriend who occasionally spends the night on weekends.
Since he don't really understand RA or how I feel, how do I deal with the whole issue. It gets so frustrating because I become the bad guy. ugh, Men! And yes, I know. Not all men :)
How do you get a man to understand that intimacy has to come at the same time he wants to play in his garage? How do you compromise. I thought Saturday was perfect until his world was turned upside down just because I took too long to come back to the room. Intimacy is a weird issue for him. If things don't go exactly as planned then it can turn ugly. Which makes no sense to me. Oh...just a note. He is also bipolar and OCD and always has this "timeline" thing going on. So if his timeline does not work out the way it should it's almost the end of the world. He is much better since starting meds almost 3 years ago but still.
There are work arounds (NOT COMPROMISES) if you'll both think about it and plan/execute. Sounds to me like there is no right, no wrong, just misunderstandings all around. Make it a fun thing (the planning I mean).
6 AM is a feel really bad time for me.
I think after 25 years of marriage many people have to plan for those times. Life is just so busy and it's not like we're 20 again getting busy in a public restaurant's bathroom stall! lol. (no, never did that) just using that as an example. :)
So by giving him some written material, maybe he can understand how Ra stiffens joints and that you really are in the worst pain of the day when you first get up and try to move...so AM sex is a very bad idea for you and you deserve to enjoy it too.
Hubby and I have been married for 40 years and we have to plan when we have relations as he now has a bad back and hurts as the day goes on and I'm so stiff in the AM that we plan for weekend afternoons(he's still working full time and is gone most of the week...sales!). So we make it a shared afternoon thing...followed by a nice nap. He can learn to like it planned. Make planning it part of the emotional foreplay...buy some of the new gels they have to enhance pleasure(even Walmart carries the stuff...by K-Y). Have a drink together and a back rub and you'll get there for sure. Just get creative so he can know what he has to look forward to through planning. Make it something he looks forward to instead of just reacting to his normal morning erection.
Just sharing what we do.
hugs............Jen
He obviously has a ritual with regards to marital relations and it will be hard for him to change. I do agree he needs to be educated, that like the symptoms of his diseases, you also have symptoms and you simply cannot do things the way you used to.
I hope you will find your way through this adjustment to RA.
I prefer planned only because I get my head into it. I mentally prepare. In the mornings it's just impossible. I am in pain and he doesn't get it. I've already got the, "oh, my back hurts too" Not the same. At all. Now that I am going through this I would not wish RA on my worst enemy.
Thanks for the sharing.
Thanks Marlene!
I can definitely see both points of view here due to his illness. He was just diagnosed about 2 years ago. It's been a real marriage saver. He's that type of guy that does not like to show emotion, works hard, and kinda like the whole "woman's place" of course he knows I am so not THAT women. Opposites attract! But he's slowly coming over to the dark side....lol. I am a very open minded kinda gal!
You have to make it worth his while to change his behavior. Make afternoon so delightful that he prefers that and the AM sex so miserable that he dislikes it and prefers the PM.
You always hear that the only person you can change is yourself but that is not true. You can change someone else but it's easier with positive behavior...reward them for doing what you want and just simply don't react at all to the behavior you don't want. It's not about punishing them as makes it a mother/son relationship so you keep it lover/lover by simply not reacting or honestly reacting to your own pain. So you make the PM sex far more fun for both of you to get him to like it.
Good luck..............Jen
My husband passed away about a year and a half ago. So that is no longer going on. But oh boy we had sooo many problems. I did a lot to meet him halfway on things but no matter what , it was never enough, never when he wanted , etc.
I felt guilty even though it is not my fault......I felt bitter angry resentful , because he kept making it be my fault.
And it got to the point of utter battle ; he convinced himself I did not want to do it and it got ugly...I cannot even speak to how ugly it got.
The most ironic thing is I really did enjoy sex a lot, but he was so convinced otherwise (because , like you, I can't do that in the early morning ) that he became extremely resentful and vengeful about it, and when we did have sex , he was still caught up in his anger so much , that he developed problems with erections and one thing led to another but bottom line.......if I was in pain during sex and just needed to adjust my position for example, that made him angry b/c he had so much difficulty maintaining erections.
I do think he was (un-diagnosed) bipolar.
Now, I have become involved with a man who is ten years younger than me and way more healthy ...he knows I have RA but does not seem to really "get it". However , thankfully he is not bothered in the least if I say I need to move or adjust what we are doing, etc.
And, for the first time in decades, sex does not cause me whole body pain.
just my neck. But that is not his fault. I have a very bad neck.
With my husband, everything hurt tremendously , even my hands.
I just lament how sad that my married sex life could have easily been so much better if he would have talked to me and believed me ...
Hope you all enjoy your holidays.
I am now 41 and have now been diagnosed with ra for roughly a year and a half. My wife is three years younger than myself and we have been married for 18 and together for 20. She is a wonderful woman and mother. Love her to death and have always remained faithful to her and always will. Over the years we have had more than a few bumps in the road as far as sex goes. It's always the same deal. I want more and she could care less if we ever do. I don't want anyone to get the wrong picture here so I'm gonna say once a week at her choice of time and place and I'm perfectly content. After the second week I'm really starting to get frustrated and that resentment you all have been talking about starts to kick in and causing problems. Especially if I have made an unsuccessful attempt. I have never turned her away over all the years yet it has happened to me to many times to count. It has pretty much been this way since our late twenties.
I understand I am still fairly young and feel pretty good half the time. My sex drive might change if my conditions get worse but so far it's really been unaffected by ra other than just having to be a little more careful about positioning of my hands and wrists. Sorry if I got off topic or wasn't any help but thanks for the post as it felt really good to get this out as I am currently in a long dry spell. For the guys out there don't try to cut the ladies off, it doesn't work. They can go much longer without than you can. Haha jk