There is going to be someone who'll love you. "Normal" is an individual thing, we are all different with different issues and different gifts. Normal for each of us depends upon many things, some of which are out of our control.

You have got to get control of your brain, no one else can do that. Reject fear first and foremost. Be warm and positive to and about yourself, set your own expectations do not live to achieve the expectations of others. Positive, positive, positive, that is what you must set your mind to being. You'll have to be your own STRONG advocate and that starts with being a good advocate to yourself. You can do this!

Hi to both of you, i really understand where tamogs is coming from. I have put forth a really positive attitude, and I have been honest with close friends and tried to involve myself in activities with them. But part of my nature has always been giving, fun loving, outgoing. And I find that even though I can have great days out with friends still, I too feel sometimes too afraid to have a relationship, because if I share with a partner all my problems I feel like I'm bringing them down, or like they wouldn't find me attractive. Especially since at night im in the most pain. I think I feel this way because of how outgoing I've always been.
I love the inspiration from nonightshades, I think I still need to come to grips with who I am now, and what will be normal for me...it is very hard to leave what I feel is "myself" and who I was

nonightshades2 - do you have any tips for us, on how to explain what we are going through to new friends or partners? It never seems like there's a good time or place to talk about these things. And because of the wretched name of the disease, rhuematoid "arthritis," it is difficult to explain to people it has nothing to do with my bones or being old. Also, since the condition is invisible to others unless they see me limping, it can be awkward to respond to a question like "did you hurt yourself?" when I just want to go about my day. And turning down invitations to things I definitely can't d, like bowling, can also be awkward. If you have any suggestions on expressing ourselves it will be much appreciated.

Hi, welcome, glad you are here, just sad for the reason. While you're waiting for nonightshades, you might find "The Spoon Theory" helpful. It's written for anyone with a chronic disease. Just substitute your condition for the word Lupus. It will come up on Google. I hope you find it helpful.

I think it is important to realize there are things you can control and things you cannot --- you cannot control RA (other than taking medications prescribed, and advocating for your health care to some degree), and you cannot control others' and their reactions/interactions with you. I agree with nightshades that you have to work on your own actions and reactions first, and become comfortable with the person you are.

People with chronic disease (especially young ones) have a difficult time with starting/maintaining relationships (whether friendships or otherwise) because of many reasons. I think younger people tend to have different expectations and priorities -- living for today and having fun, rather than thinking about the long term future. A lot of people are also just plain uncomfortable with sick people.

If you have a good attitude and positive outlook that will be the first thing people see. Unfortunately that is often hard when you are in pain!!

Those who really care about others as people (and not just for superficial things) will be more apt to listen to you and be understanding, and maybe even ask about it. I don't divulge a lot of information unless I need to, and sometimes I just say I have an autoimmune disease -- to avoid the assumption that RA is just the "A".

For activities -- like bowling which is a good example for those of us with hand problems -- I would go and just hang out and have fun. You don't even have to actively participate to be with friends and have fun. Also, find activities you are able to do, and suggest those to friends (or even find friends there with similar interests).

I also believe the old saying that those true friends who are worth your time and energy are those who will stand by you....and those who won't aren't worth it.

Your question to Nonighshades caused me to consider what I wish I had learned early in my disease. I'd like to share with you because it helped me manage a lot off different situations and challenges.

Establish boundaries. Learn all you can about boundaries. One thing I've learned on this journey is I am responsible for my actions and not any body else's reactions.

Boundaries teach us what we are responsible for and what we aren't. Just like a fence around your yard, boundaries teach you what is yours and what isn't. Lots of freedom in knowing what to own, what not to own....

In the past, I would hang on to the stupidest remarks from other people, and by doing so, I gave them tons of control over my emotional well being. Talk about a waste of time.

There will always be toxic people who derive some type of twisted joy in causing others pain. However, the more you learn how to cope with them, the more healthy you become. Know this, "Hurt people, hurt people." It's usually not even about you; you're just the available target at the time.

Make a plan how to deal with the toxic person/people that you will either encounter, or at times, need to be around, because it's inevitable. Boundaries will help you design an effective plan to manage your behavior, not theirs. Sometimes you need to walk away, maybe for good.

Fortunately, many people want to help and understand your disease and all that it entails. Cherish them, forgive them when they don't get it right and say, what we think of as " Stupid things." You will encounter this often. So make your plans ahead time to handle those situations. Boundaries will help you understand, "this person really is for me, and just doesn't know what to say." Often, these people respond well to written information, either yours, pamphlets, or articles, etc. So do take the time to communicate and educate.

Chronic pain is an honest educator with a well developed teaching plan; study your health conditions. Learn all you can. Then learn the best way to communicate with "everyone." Develop your plans for successful survival early. Practice! You'll have times that you fail, and, equally, your successes. It's always a journey. School never ends, the classroom is everywhere.

^ Awesome! Thanks Journey - what a great comment.

Really good comments, especially JourneyThru! Nice to listen to someone talk about something they obviously know a lot about!

And welcome Tamogs to our forum. And so sorry you are suffering with JRA. I wrote about my cousin growing up with JRA in another thread, and how much she was able to do, despite terrible deformities and prednisone side effects, because there were no drugs when she was young. (She had a Master's degree and taught at university. And more deformities than you will ever see these days, with all the new meds to control this disease!)

I was married with 4 children when I got RA. But, many marriages fail because of RA and other serious diseases. And many marriages fail that both people are perfectly normal! So never give up on having a relationship and even get married.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, at such a young age, but there are no promises of a perfect life. Cling to God, and he will carry you through. When I first got RA, I turned away from God, and that was a big mistake. He called me out of that hard time, and called me to Seminary, where I became a pastor. And your family is good support. Another option might me to seek out a real life RA support group, if you can find one.

Nice to meet you, and I hope you stay in our group, and that we can support you.

Thank you for this message. Stay strong with your family!

I felt happy after reading all of your comments. Thanks and please continue to send comments to everyone in this group so that they'll also be inspired to think not on the negative but on the positive sides too. :) Godbless to all!