Hey, Jay,

I'm glad you came here for support. First, give us a little info, please, so we can better understand the dynamics.

1. What are the ages of the kids? Are they toddlers/babies/kids in school/high school students?

2. What meds are your wife on?

3. Are the meds working [is she in pain sometimes, all the time, rarely]?

RA waxes and wanes. Patients can feel absolutely lousy one day and fine the next, or lousy all the time......or, for the lucky ones like me, the drugs are working well and life is pretty normal. It's different for everyone.

I suspect too that SOME RA patients may overplay the RA in order to gain sympathy or help when they really can do stuff on their own.

I think most RA patients who are wives complain mostly about insensitive husbands who find the disease an annoyance and who rarely help. It sounds like you don't fall in that category.

I think it's important for the two of you to get some alone time [a nice walk?] and just let her talk about how it feels, what she thinks you can do to help, etc. Make sure she understands you want to help but that she has to communicate her thoughts and needs.

I think it is wonderful you have taken the time to post here, to see how you can help your wife.

There are so many new lines drawn in families and relationships when RA hits. In the past, before RA, did you find your wife malingered a lot? When she was healthy? Because, I think most normal people who work hard, and take responsibility for their actions, don't suddenly become needy users, when they become chronically ill. In other words, unless the signs point to something different, why not believe and trust your wife? If she says she needs help with something, then help her. If she says she is tired and needs a rest, then let her go nap, and you take the kids out (if they are young) or make them be quiet if they are older. All little things, and no, you won't get it right every time.

My husband has figured out when I am really bad, and need help. But he wasn't always like that! He pushed me too hard sometimes, and just wasn't there for me in the beginning. Then, when he saw the xrays of my deformed foot, he changed his tune in a big way.

He makes me do a lot of things myself. Today, the worship team I play on was playing in church. I have to take a comfy stool to sit on, I simply can't stand anymore. Well, my group keeps a look out for me. They rush someone out to get my stool and more, so I don't have to. I appreciate the help, but these days, my meds are working better, and I can do it myself. I have tried to tell them, but they figure they are helping, and I guess they are.

I get home, and hubby just sits in his chair while I carry this big wooden stool, with extra pillow from the car, across the house to the music room. Today, I was a bit tired, but I could do it. Then, I started thinking about how the people in the worship team do it for me, why couldn't he? Well, maybe because I don't need to be waited on hand and foot at this point in my life? It doesn't hurt me to carry it, and it is a bit more exercise. And if I did that for everything, he would be a virtual servant, and I would become very lazy.

So, I realized it was best I carry it myself, these days. And if things gets worse, or after my knee replacement, well, I will hope that he will help. At least till I am well enough to do it on my own.

So, after 20 years, still figuring these things out. Tell your wife you are there for her, and will help her to do anything she cannot do. And if she goes through a needy period, give her a little bit of grace. Maybe suggest she might be able to do one task, help her with another.

And tell her often that you love, there is a lot of loss coming to grips with RA. She needs emotional support. Don't let the ASD be an excuse not to support her on this difficult walk.

Not sure if that helps, just what I have been through over the last 20 years with RA.

She is a very lucky woman.

What a blessing you are, RA is definitely hard on the spouse... My husband is also very supportive and often feels helpless when I have pain because he wants to do more. Sometimes we just need to share the frustration....Sometimes I just need to have a good cry and have him near and I feel so much better. I also enjoy brain storming with him, what triggers affect the RA what we can do to minimise, we always work out game plans, new things to try, its motivating and feels like progress.

To be honest, knowing that your partner cares and is WILLING to go on this journey with you means more than you could ever know. That alone is helping so so much, but yes, you need to share how difficult it is for you, and this is a great platform to do so.

So much respect and love to you

How sweet! I know for myself, I dislike unasked-for help. It often feels like the person is simply impatient or uncomfortable watching me take too long to do something. But I have absolutely no problem asking anyone around to please open a new, unopened water bottle for me! And today I was very appreciative of a 90-year-old man who helped me lift a case of water from my shopping cart into my car!

I would have a direct conversation with your wife and tell her that you want to help, but not make her feel needy.

Communication, communication, communication.

Let her tell you what she needs and wants from you. You shouldn't have to guess and she shouldn't feel shy, embarrassed or awkward to ask for help when needed.

Talk to her about this. And, have you apologized to her for saying "boo-hoo"?

" I may also be on the ASD spectrum ( but that is a whole other ball of wax). I don’t usually understand things as sicknesses or feelings unless I have been through it before"

wow can we clone you? I was with someone exactly like you for years and years excepting the clairvoyant part where you understand that there is a misfire in the empathy when you have not experienced something department. I would hazard that your spouse already knows this about you so she is not expecting an altered reality, when it comes to you. maybe you could talk facts and tasks - those are concrete.

welcome

depot