I am with Elisheva on the A or B thing. I want a helper that is warm, caring, and has the knowledge. You can have bad outcomes with any helper, just as you can have good outcomes with any helper. For me, it has to be a combination of the two, otherwise there will be a point where the best outcome is to go separate ways. A warm, caring and knowledgeable helper should be willing to guide the individual in the direction that individual needs to go, not force them to go someplace else, or not address an issue. That's what happened with my first therapist. He decided that he wasn't going to work with me on something I needed to work on, and refused to discuss it. We decided it was in our best interest to go our separate ways.

My current therapist is the combination of A and B that is right for me. I need someone I can trust, and the ones that I trust from the start tend to be the ones that I've been able to work with the best, and have had the most healing happen while working with them.

Helpers don't have to be in the same place as the person they're helping, either. Sometimes they can be half a world away, where the only connection is via computer or phone. What matters is that they care, that they can be empathetic and that they don't judge, but accept you as you are.

Helpers are just as their name says, helpers. They can guide, nudge, and lead when necessary, but they don't force their beliefs or issues onto the person they are helping. They understand that they are there for you, not the other way around, and that they need to work with you, not against you. They need to know their limitations, and be willing to learn when they can in order to help you. They must also know when they need to ask for help from people more knowledgeable than themselves, and when they need to say they can no longer meet your needs.

They need to be your cheerleader when you need them to be, and they need to know when and how far to push you. It also helps if they are able to tell you that they aren't buying it when you try to pull the wool over their eyes, or give them a line that you know is just a bunch of BS. They need to know how to help you help yourself, and let you know they believe in you.

Most of all, they need to have as much faith in your ability to heal and/or work through what you need to as you have in their ability to help you, if not more. If they don't have faith or believe in you when you're at your most vulnerable, when you don't have faith or believe in yourself, how can they help you have faith and believe in yourself.

Well, clearly we'd hope there would be a balance. What I'm getting at is how people prioritize the skills or deficits in a helper. There are studies that have found that the single best predictor of therapeutic outcome is the client's expectation of success. I'm just curious about whether clients conclude that based more on personal connection or on the perception of the helper as professorial.

I may be an odd bird, but I actually look for the ability to balance rather than weight any one quality over the other. But in general in many areas of life and work, I tend to focus on dynamics and think in terms of processes and interactions rather than specific qualities.

I think I base it more on personal connection. When I was in high school, eons ago, we had a city cop that was the liaison officer at the school. He was pretty much my counselor/therapist. I went to see him for emotional support, not because I was in trouble with the school. I found out that we would be moving at the end of the school year, for the 4th time since Kindergarten. I was a 9th grader at the time and was just getting settled in after living there for 3 yrs. I didn't want to move again, but being a kid, it didn't really matter. Long story short, if it weren't for him, I don't know where I'd be, and I'm thankful that he was there for me when I needed him to be, even if he wasn't a trained counselor/therapist.

I find that a lack of personal connection creates a very cold, sterile situation, regardless of the amount of knowledge or skill the person has. In some cases that's ok, but if you're going to work with someone long-term, on personal issues, there had better be a personal connection. If I don't trust someone, they aren't going to get a lot of information out of me. That's especially true when it comes to therapists, because what they help with is much more personal than normal everyday conversations.

EmpoweredOI,

Look for: Respect
Information
Hope
Connection

Avoid: Closed-mindedness
Ivory-tower thinking
Poor listener
**Someone who hasn't done their own work

SuzA

Ooh, sorry EmpoweredOKC I got your name wrong.

"Well, clearly we'd hope there would be a balance. What I'm getting at is how people prioritize the skills or deficits in a helper. There are studies that have found that the single best predictor of therapeutic outcome is the client's expectation of success. I'm just curious about whether clients conclude that based more on personal connection or on the perception of the helper as professorial."

For me, I really think this depends on WHEN in my journey you ask this question and also the particular reasons for seeking help from that helper

For example, when I wanted EMDR the only available help was just qualified, training wheels still on guppy fish. So I traded in my want of an expert for someone I had a connection with because if they're all guppy fish, I may as well go with the guppy I have an established relationship with.

Again, in the beginning of my journey when I was fighting to be taken seriously I stopped wanting "experts" because these people were cold and dismissive of me. Being suicidal was understandable but, apparently, not something I needed help with. Then I wanted someone who would just listen to me and take me seriously.

Its nice to have both but even the mix of both elements it doesn't necessarily make a good therapist or a good match.

Also, asking me now I have the life experience behind me and I know that the single most important thing for me is warmth because no healing happens in a freezer; even if that freezer is covered in certificates (for me)

I think the single biggest indicator of success in therapy OR general healing work is the clients own determination

A good therapist provides hope and support and hopefully good, sound knowledge - but really these things work to enhance the clients inner determination/desperation to just feel better than how they currently do. If the client isnt there it really doesnt matter how awesome the therapist is. A lot of the work happens between the sessions as we process and it is sheer grit that helps us get through the moments where we feel our emotions may actually, this time, kill us.

B.

I've had a T that thought he was clearly an "A." Remember that conversation about 3 years ago Matt, when I decided it was time to go when he refused to use the word "rape," and kept saying the "R word," thinking he was helping? His "A" side kept me there for 10 months, but I made no progress. I'd rather B. Down, dirty, get the work done, get on with things... He's your T, not your bestie. Yeah, a good combo would be perfect, and theyre out there, but I think an "A" just keeps you on the hook and becomes an expensive friend.

Here's my hypothesis about this: I think people benefit from BOTH types, but at different stages in their work. I think at the start when things are raw and painful and someone is nervous, the warm and supportive type works best. As trust develops and the person finds that they're moving forward, it's time for the helper to become more clinically stringent (a clumsy way to put it, but I'm not sure of the best words) to, as Scubagirl put it, get the work done and get on with things. So I think when you look at the big picture, people need both aspects, just at different times in the same work. So maybe the "balance" we talk about doesn't mean a blend of both attributes simultaneously, but an agility from the helper in being able to transition from one to the other depending on the stage of work. And hopefully, when it's done, to return back to the softer, supportive role.

Nicely put, Matt (EmpoweredOKC).

I have to agree with the both A and B, maybe even switching during different seasons of the healing process.

I have to say, over the years I have been do a couple of differnt types of fish. The one that was named as a "specialist" was the worst, because they did not seem to have any compassion, just kind of went thru the motions...I exited that office quickly.

What I currently have, is a professional (who keeps updated on their training - probaly because of me) and is on her toes about using what it takes to help her clients. She does not allow me to avoid, we chit chat a little, then down to business. But, she is very compasionate towards answering my text when I freak out or whatever, like over stressors in my classes (she has asked me to try to stay in class, even when it is triggering). She also understands the process and that healing is a journey and there is no quick fix.

And I guess the most important part is that she is real, she tells me how it is, callse me out when she knows I am avoiding, and stuff. And she tells me stuff somethimes that I really need to hear even though she knows it will make me mad or upset. She reminds me of what my goals are when I get off track helps me talk out my distractions. And evey once in awhile (when I am really down) she reminds me how far I have come, and all the progress I have made towards the positive. Which always seems to be when I need it most.

I walked in the door to a fish that I did not know and did not what I had.

I need a compassionate and well-caring fish. I need a fish that knows her stuff. I need someone that I can trust. I need her to be well-trained and willing to try different things. I need her trained in trauma therapy.

I need her to push me to try new things in therapy so that I can progress. You need someone who is not faint hearted and listens with earnest and compassion.

Autumn, I have a fish like yours. He pushes when he needs to, asks for help from colleagues, confidentially of course, when he's stuck, and takes what he learns from his clients to help him become a better fish and help others. He attends trainings, and takes into account his clients' needs when choosing which optional training he wants. He doesn't profess to be perfect, but he will also not abandon someone. If he isn't able to help them, he gives them names and numbers of others who may.

If I backslide, he's there to remind me of where I was, and how far I've come. He's also there to cheer me on when I no longer need to visit him every week. He looks forward to the time where I'm only coming in once every month or two just to "check-in" with myself in a safe place with a safe person who won't judge me the same way others would.

All-in-all, he's the type of fish I need, caring, compassionate, and skilled. I trust him, and he trusts me.

Tolerance. I am not of the opinion I am 100%, so, to a degree, I crave tolerance. That's not to say I want a helper who won't question my shortcomings and missteps. If they stop at tolerance, there is no call for introspective considerations that spur growth.

Respect. I require respect. I may not always recognize it. But, respect is a given.

A heart that listens. I am desperate to be heard, and understood. The mix of those two only happens when a helpers heart is open. Welcoming. Most of us have been forcefed the opinions, beliefs, demands, and requirements of others who lord over us, minimizing the importance of, or even the expression of our opinions, thoughts, dreams.

Intelligence borne of experience. For all the "want to" that may be housed in a helper, knowledge that is fertilized by doing the workakes a huge difference. Learn. Not from books, but from souls. Listen with a heart that hears past the ugly words, and see the value of each person who enters a helpers arena.
I never say the "F" word, except in therapy. And there, it represents the ugly act. There, it isn't a measure of my heart or my morality. It is just accepted.

Shared emotion. Last week, disgusting things were shared. Disgust and true anger, on my behalf, was expressed. It meant the world to me that my experience was honored in such a way.