I am sad to hear that. I think that there is something wrong with that however I am also glad that there is someone who can run the sweat. I don't know what they are thinking! I am sorry to hear that because James was wonderful. I won't be there but so glad that there will be someone to do the sweat.

Wow. I certainly won't complain either way, but I would just like to say that I think it's ridiculous that you have to rearrange this way... Personally, I was really looking forward to James running the sweatlodge, based on the fact that you and everyone else who has already done this trust this man. I am really REALLY looking forward to doing the sweatlodge so I will be happy as long as we still get to do it. I just think james should be able to run it and I think it sucks that insurance policies can dictate how we do what we decide to do. That's all. And for anyone who "has their panties on a liiiiitle too tight"... well good luck to them in all of their endeavors. Just sayin"...

I'm sorry if that last part was harsh or nasty. But only a little bit sorry.

Oh, if you knew how persnickety people are about men working with women in ANY capacity, any way! Yeah, it's wrong. Hell, there are people trying to figure out if it's decent and acceptable that *I* even do something like a retreat!

It's not based on ANY prior issues or anything, and James is my best friend, but sadly we live in a world where this kind of crap goes on. For people who have never experienced it, the sweatlodge is "a bunch of women in a dark, enclosed place with some guy closing the door on them." Ew! For those who HAVE experienced it, it's the safest, most solemn, reverent, precious circle on the whole planet, where there is total respect and peace between men and women.

Angie is wonderful, of course, and I think if she'll agree to take this on for us (running a sweat is a burden, not a performance), it will be a blessing. And since she is open about being a fellow Survivor, it might be an especially poignant experience.

Jezzia, that last part was PERFECT. Never apologize for "healthy snark." There are people in the world who's pettiness deserves exactly what you gave 'em.

Matt: For people who have never experienced it, the sweatlodge is "a bunch of women in a dark, enclosed place with some guy closing the door on them."

Me: This makes me both sad and angry. For those who weren't there last year, I panicked during the beginning of the sweat lodge and could not stay, which was a huge disappointment for me. I thought I was prepared for dealing with it, not that it would be easy by any means, but that with the support and presence of my tribe, I would not be overcome by fear. I knew a dark, small enclosed space would be triggering and scary...I hadn't counted on the difficulty breathing or how severely triggering that would be.

Having said that, there was nothing that Matt or James did in any way that was remotely triggering. I can't emphasize that enough. The opposite is true: they oozed safety and peace. I don't know how else to put it.

What I found especially upsetting about that baseless accusation is "some guy closing the door on them". The older of my two rapists lured me over for a special dinner. A close friend was with me, and he kept pouring us screwdrivers before dinner was served. When we sat down to eat, she immediately felt sick and went back to my apartment to rest. As soon as she left, Lou got up, closed his apartment door (it was the kind of complex where we left our doors open most of the time) and locked it. Just writing those words is awful. That was the first inkling I got that things were not as they seemed. A man getting up and closing the door can be a huge trigger for me. I'll panic, afraid of what he will do next. When I started therapy, I had a difficult time with the door being closed...I kept reminding myself that I wanted my session to be private; there was no sinister reason for the door closure; I was safe. But -- even though I'm sensitive to that -- nothing James did was even slightly triggering. He was not "some guy closing the door on us". It wasn't anything like that. I find that whole idea an insult to the sweat lodge itself, to men like James, and to survivors (as if we are fragile flowers who need to be protected rather than empowered).

I'm really sorry that James can't be there, even though I'm not planning to go into the sweat lodge. I will always treasure his prayers for me last year, and his gentle compassion. If he doesn't know it, Matt, please let him know that there is nothing he did that added to my fear; the exact opposite is true. He's a wonderful man.

That you, StehtFest. Well said. I know that many of you have had positive experiences. People who don't get it will never understand it, and will only see things through the lens of skepticism. Fortunately, it wont prevent us from having a VERY positive, full experience.

I'll be sure to tell James what you said, and how kind your feelings are toward him.

Well, this just sucks. No offense to Angie, who I'm sure is a great woman. You're word on that is enough for me. But for some reason, it will just seem different.

There's something for me about trusting a man, having a man perform the ceremony, and a man pray for us that means something special. It affirms to me that MOST men are good, gentle people. It makes me angry that someone else is taking that away in the name of "protecting" us. It's bullshit, quite frankly. I don't need or want that protection.

James is great, and it also makes me angry his feelings will be hurt. It's not right.

I'm just being honest, but I'm not sure if the sweat will mean the same to me, or if I'll do it :( I'm not trying to sit in the corner and pout, but idk...

I honestly don't think it's about protecting you; I think it's a generalized position folks are taking to protect their OWN finances. I think it's in corporate self-interest, not altruistic overzealousness toward any of you, and it's one more way that the world is getting a little suckier because "that's our policy."

I'm sure James will be very happy when I tell him all of these kind words. I think you'll like Angie, too, if I can get her--she's a really smart, outspoken, funny woman with a lot of heart. She's a Navajo and a scholar, and is instantly likable and comforting.

I do, though, know what you mean about the added significance of the ceremony including a man's contribution. I appreciate that point SO much.

I agree with everything said above. I think that it will be a different feeling having a woman run the ceremony, I too liked the fact that you men ran the sweat and I felt compleatley comfortable and safe being in a small enclosed dark space with you three. That was huge for me. Although it will be different, that doesn't mean that it will be bad. I hope that his partner can do the ceremony, that will be very interesting seeing how a woman and fellow survivor runs the ceremony. I hope that you can explain to James that this is in no way what us as a group wants and that we trust him fully. I hope that you can get his wife to do it because I am really looking forward to it, and maybe James can be part of the making and tending of the fire while the sweat goes on, sitting with the other women outside in prayer and reflection while his partner performs the ceremony?

Also, does the insurance company really have to know if James does the ceremony? ;)

Im with you Megs. Suuuuuuure James was outside the whole time ;)

Whoa... Matt, you get to stay in, right?!?

No, but I'm pretty strict about everything I do being totally transparent and above-board, too. If Angie can't do it, we have two options: we omit it in lieu of a campfire instead, or I run the ceremony myself. I don't have the "traditional" tribal credentials to do it, meaning no sun dance chief or holy man has told me "Okay, you're allowed." But the criteria for being allowed is that a person must be a pipe-carrier (I am, since I was 20) and have completed a fasting ceremony in the wilderness (I did, last October). Which means I've done the things required, I've just never been "handed the diploma." Nothing has held it back from me; I simply have never asked because I've not sought leadership roles in those things before. However, I really would rather defer to Angie, since she is very traditional and experienced, and I'm looking for every possible way to take myself OUT of the lead on retreat events so it doesn't become oriented around me in ANY way whatsoever. I'm the host, but this isn't "Matt's retreat," and I want many, many other people to be the leaders.

And yes, Scuba, I get to stay in.

:(

One of the coolest things about you Matt is that you just want to hang with us and be a part of what we're a part of. You've never wanted to "run" anything, and you've always just wanted to experience it as we do. I too, would rather someone else over-see it so you could resume your place with us. For me, that's where you've always been. By our side...

Wow Matt, this really feels like the world gone mad and that health and safety truly do rule the world!

I think a huge part for the healing for lots of us is, as others have said, is learning to trust men and what better opportunity than this? I so loved James leading the sweat lodge, his gentle voice was calming and unobtrusive, it allowed us to pray or to listen to him and his prayers, kind of like spiritual lullabies, things some of us have never encountered. There was something truly special about his presence and leading of us, holy, without pomp or ego. He will be missed.
I would be so sad (gutted) if there were no sweat lodge at all. For me, that is the focus of the retreat a private/ public place for spiritual lament - something I have found few other places where I can do that. So, I would love Angie to lead it, or you (or could we sneak james in around the back?). I am so sorry that this is another stressor placed on you in organising the weekend.

Booooooo party poopers