Put me in the same category of "dissociative people"...
I fear emotions much, much more than I fear pain, financial ruin, anything really...
It's just so easy, so automatic to turn everything off and fade out... its really, really hard to stay in my own self.
I wonder if your therapist is really afraid? That would make it hard. If Dr. Miller didn't have so much confidence in her work and in me there's no way I could do it.

I kept wanting to say "SHUT UP DUDE WHERE IS MATTHEW!!" lol

Matt,

You were amazing in your interview! I am so glad that you were able to speak about the book and the aspects in it. Also, I think it is great for people to be able to hear your voice. The passion that you have for your work is very evident in the interview. Way to go!!

Else...I should have vented this in another place....hate to sideswipe this post...it is so important, but thank you for your words. I am not sure "afraid" is the word I should have chosen. I have a history of sorts with extreme effects from working too hard....well, maybe not too hard...but putting in the emotional effort, not just working with the facts. I even had chest pains after one session where he had to call an ambulance. He held my hand while the attendants hooked up the EKG to my chest...and then whisked me off to the hospital, where hours later, I had the second stent put into my heart. So, he does have some reasons for not wanting me to have extreme reactions to our work. BUT, it makes me feel like I should just NOT work on that particular thing. I am not good at hiding from the tougher things...they find me, and then I work very hard to take control over them. But this one thing, at least for now, working on it the way that I am is just not helpful. I keep feeling like there must be a simpler method...like some assignment someone else did that worked for them, but I am just not finding it. So, I have to avoid this for now. I have thought it over into exhaustion. i simply do not want these emotions right now. Sounds immature to say that, but, I have things that will be affected if I go there right now. I need those things to remain as they are right now...I need stability right now. So, I am afraid to do this right now. Last night, I lay in my bed and tried, for a moment, to let myself think in the stream of thought where this takes me. My chest began to hurt, then, I was too invested in the thoughs, so I couldn't back out...I ended up using nitroglycerine for the chest pain and crying myself to sleep. I hate this part of it. All these years later, and it make me feel like such a failure -- like I am letting them win.

THE INTERVIEW WAS SPECTACULAR.... It actually reminded me of working on journaling when the book was being written. The segments the interviewer was talking about...the questions he was interested in hearing about, well...that was kind of like I think regular people on the street might ask or think. So, that he brought them up and you got to respond...(very eloquently I might add), that was great to me. Especially the part about promiscuity...or, sexualized grieving. Each time you answered him Matt, it was like I understood all over again....but for the first time...okay, I know that is confusing. It was fresh to me. It was a thing I needed to hear again, to be reminded of. It was also nice to hear him say the part about..."after someting like this happens to a woman, I would think sex would be a thing she would want to avoid..." and for you to get to come back and explain me to him. Oh, I know it wasn't me personally you explained to him...but, no matter, it was me. It feels like that part is a thing that the world doesn't understand, and holds me accountable for...that I wasn't scared to death of sex, but in fact engaged in sick sex.....well, it was sick to me. But the best part of all to me was the discussion about orgasm during rape. Again, not talking about me personally...but you could have been. All the lost years I spent believeing that single fact left me set apart from even other rape victims. You talk about us feeling "uniquely" set apart from others because of rape....well, to me...then there are degrees of "set-apart"...and I felt that the orgasm put me into another, more deeply degraded subset. I thought that you handled his inquiry masterfully...and, I like that you use the word. I know a I probably differ from others here...well...alot of places in regard to the word. But, orgasm is the word I have tried to escape forever. I hated the word, the thought of atempting it...I hated everything about it. I know that the term "bodily response" softens the discussion a bit...but, like with using the word rape...reconnecting with the reality of that term and all it means...I need(ed) to reconnect with the term orgasm. To not cringe and feel sick to hear it. Women talk openly around me about things like this all the time...I suppose it is due to my occupation. But, that word was as much a trigger for me as any other thing. So..thanks for using the word.

Oh, and dare I say too...the discussion on triggers...phenomenal. I mean...this whole interview is like my own personal mini-therapy in a url....hehehe! I plan to copy and paste it to a place where I can always find it...unless, of course...you'll do that for me, by adding it to the "News" thingie...like you did the sermons for me. I so appreciate them...I have listened to them two and a half times now.

Thanks for sharing this!!

Last night I was in a really bad place, so I listened to the interview. It was up on iTunes and I was able to download it to my iPod. I so agree with what Leitha said.

The interesting thing is that I've always been more of a reader. I tend to space out and get completely distracted while listening to lectures, sermons, podcasts, etc. With reading, if my attention drifts, I can always go back and reread something.

What the process of therapy, and especially writing my story and reading it aloud, has shown me is that there can be a tremendous power in the spoken word. In the interview, you didn't say anything new and earth-shattering to me. But somehow, hearing you speak those things I had already read made them so much more personal, so much more real, so much more believable than just words on a page.

I reacted similarly to Leitha about (and here I'm having trouble even writing it) the whole issue of orgasm during rape. Until recently, I told myself that the beginning part of my rape was really not rape; it was just my rapists having sex with me; I had obviously wanted it; and I was very sick and twisted. My orgasms were proof of that. That section in RAR blew me away. It was difficult to read. I probably had to skim it rapidly about 5-6 times before I could actually read it.

Hearing you say those words, Matt, hearing you talk about it, brought further healing. There were things about my rape that seemed too shameful to talk about, and it is still extremely difficult for me. But you were able to find such eloquent words and speak them in a voice completely free of any hint of shame or disgust.

Thank you.

Matt,
You should know better that I'll do whatever is in my power to help you sell books and through that help MORE women (and men). I ordered my book from you so what can I do?? PLEASE TELL ME I want to help.
(and I'd still like to have my voice used when you sell enough books to do an audio copy)

I really don't know, or else I'd do it. I certainly appreciate your offer, but I also don't want to prod people here to become salespersons for me. The simplest thing I could think of would be reviews on Amazon.

Matt that was an awesome interview. I was touched on many levels even shed a tear at points. But they weren't tears of sadness more often tears of sheer pride especially where I recognised just the journey I have travelled and how I don't feel how I used to, because the blame that pointed inwards has been replaced with a new memory of being received and respected and I can truley believe myself to be worthy of that right having regained my sense of self. Even when I don't feel at my best I've learned to take care of myself and ensure that I am meeting my own needs so I am better placed to help others.

I also laughed alot in recognition when you said you didn't intend this to become your life's work. As I consider what is next for me, I know I am fighting the internal pull toward working with PTSD and further studies in that direction. My voluntary work seems trauma tends to find me so as for what next who knows?

Excellent resource personally and proffessionally

Thanks

Deb.

Matt,

Thank you for that. Both you and Tonya are special, you touch so many lives.

I just don't have the words to thank you for what you do.

I can say however, that I am glad the medical illustration didn't work out hehe!!

Thank you so much. It means a lot to be told I've done something to positively impact a life. Although I am so careful to be sure that nobody has tied her strength to me or to my influence, I also can't help but feel fulfilled to hear that I've had some role in anyone's life in a positive way. There are always those few who despise and condemn my work, my methods, and even my personal approach and feel everything I have attempted is misguided and faulty, so it's not as if I am universally appreciated, either. I can accept that, though, as long as you--the actual survivors who feel their lives are better served--are saying that you have found some value in it.

I find it hard to believe that there are disbelievers out there of your work. Just guide them to here, and we will set them straight for you!

Wow. Really amazing. Sometimes going back to the basics hits the spot.




Devin

Here's a glowing review of the radio interview...

http://anneisaman.blogspot.com/2009/07/resurrection-after-rape-shrink-rap.html

So weird to hear!! Its like you're talking about someone else!!

Love it!!!