Yeah I think it's real important to also say how to handle it once this happens. Recognizing is great but knowing how to respond is equally important.

"If a teen doesn't know the story of procrustes..."

Ha ha! You realize I'm talking about teens in AMERICA, right? If it's not "Twilight..." :)

Maybe you need some Twilight metaphors in your work. Keep up with the times.

Maybe you need some Twilight metaphors in your work. Keep up with the times.

I have a whole section on Twilight in my chapter, "Bad Romance Fairy-Tales: How movies, videos, magazines and songs teach you a bunch of crap about love"

It's not just that it's a pet peeve of mine--I know we like to tease about how crappy it is. It's that Twilight is actually far worse than I thought. As in, Jacob sexually assaults Bella, who breaks her hand fighting him off, and he taunts her about it all the way home (and tells her it's HER fault she got hurt), then brags to Bella's father--who's a police officer--about it...and Daddy actually laughs and APPLAUDS Jacob for what he's done to his daughter. That kind of thing.

Or how Bella and Edward finally have sex, and Edward gets so violent that he bruises her body up with handprints. Bella awakens, disheveled, but works really hard to assure Jacob that she's happy, and she knows he couldn't help himself, he just loves her too much to control himself. You know, that kind of thing.

So yeah, it's not just that Twilight has poor characters in it. It's that it actually has sexual abuse, physical battering, stalking, attempted rape, and self-injury all portrayed as romantic, exciting parts of idealized teen love. So at some point it stops being funny and just becomes appalling!

Friend or foe abuser- this is like the Stockholm syndrome.

I do not know if this fits in at all. I apologize if it is totally out of line, because it tends to place blame on the female for a "choice" she is probably unaware she has made. I guess it equates to "Daddy Traits" that the male realizes are important to her, and he supplies things a father would ordinarily provide. He is sort of a stand-in for the father, but not as simple as filling Daddy's shoes. This abuser is so in-tune to the needs of the female that her daddy-deficit needs are able to become points of entry into her life. He appears to be everything she is missing in the image of what a man should be, but in reality, he is only producing false portrayals of these qualities. This, to me, goes beyone "Master Manipulator", to a much more insidious and pathologic type of abuse. It is so subtle, she has no idea she is being played.

See? It sort of plays on the female's inability, or unwitting acceptance...making it seem like it is blaming her for making a bad choice...I don't know how to explain what I am trying to say. But this guy takes time to "learn" her. He puts his energies into being all she needs, but not really being any of the things she sees.

Then, there is always Christopher Comparison. No woman wants to fall short of the previous girl in his life. This guy uses subtle comments that sound like harmless statements, but really are more direct comparisons to a previous mate..."I love the way you are so calm. When I was with M(*)&%$, she was always so high energy...I mean, she knew how to get a guy's engines going, she just had a hard time being still...not like you. You can be still for hours". Hard to tell if he prefers high-energy, or calm. By the time he ends up in a full-blown relationship with her, he will have progressed to, "You will never be the woman ___ was! She could read me like no one else. Why can't you be more like her?" (This guy was married to my niece for about a year. He had one prior marriage, and he had the prior wife tattooed on his calf, and he eventually did get to the place where he was openly telling her how she would never match up).

Oh, and as for Twilight. I am glad to see you say the things you do about it Matt. I watched the first episode of it I had seen, and I saw so much I didn't like in how these two guys "fought" over Bella, like they were entitled to ownership...like she wasn't able to choose..so, they painted her as a weak, wimply person. They could have made her empowered, but I suppose that would change the focus of the movie. I hated it. Not the premise of the saga, but the portrayal of the characters. I didn't like any of them. Especially the dad. they showed him as a guy who supposedly was caring of his daughter, but still had zero impact when it could have counted.

Sorry,..I am venting I think. I don't think any of this is useful to you, but it was good to get to put it on the page anyway.

My niece's mates have been examples of the guys you would never want your child to date...or marry. But I don't have good names for their types.

Mr Daddy Stand-in? Mr. Social Engineering?

Are there men out there who 'need' daughter-replacements? Like, so many girls tend to look for daddy replacements, but are there really guys who "need" daughters to "raise"?

I think some abusers are very adept at spotting emotional weaknesses. In fact many use the discussion of family troubles etc as part of the grooming process. To be perceived as giving their victim everything they need. This connection, often recognised as the only person who can offer this love and support, makes questioning the abuser's acts or trying to leave the relationship all the more difficult. I don't think this is necessarily a type of its own. Some abusers choose a "positive" way if showing they are the only one who understands the victim, others seek to diminish the victim's self esteem so she will believe him when he says he is
The only one who will love her this much or provide her with the parental figure she seeks.

People see other's vulnerabilities all time the difference is a healthy, kind and confident person will actually give that person some encouragement and let them know it doesn't have to be that way. An abuser doesn't they use it against the person and actually do the opposite. So the Mr. "your worse past mistreatment I'm not gonna help you to feel better about that and not gonna help you stand up against them" guy. Is this "The Predator"

OMG...i hadn't read this whole thread. i didn't see the twilight stuff. i have never seen or read any of that crap...and after reading matt's post, i don't understand how anyone does. i know my sister watches them and i really, really hope she doesn't let her kids see them too. between the disgusting sports players these days and movies like this...it's no wonder people continue to be raped and assaulted with very little consequences.

Is Mr. i'm always right the same as Mr. it's not my fault? i don't think so...but...

the alcohol made me do it
you made me do
my love for you made me do it
etc etc

And maybe this is the servent-seeker, but; Mr. manipulate/ control/own you man:
I will kill myself if we break up (I can't live without you)
I have to know where you are all the time because I love you
You can't look at him or have male friends (but I am going to flirt with women in front of you)
He abuses me because he loves me so much
fairytale man - everyone else thinks he is prince charming- turns friends and family against you
creates traumatic bonding
doesn't accept breaking up
demands naked pictures or sexting and then later threatens to post them/send them out to avoid a break-up - and then does it anyway
tells you what classes to take
asks for passwords
etc etc

How about Mr. Plays on Your Heartstrings? He can be sweet, gentle, needy. He treats you wonderfully. He is so hurt when he doesn't get his own way that you feel guilty and selfish. He tries to convince you he is just trying to take care of you and protect you. You try to make excuses for his increasing tyranny. Almost everyone loves him. You alternate between thinking he is the most frighteningly controlling asshole you've ever met and wondering if you're crazy and he's right that you are mean and selfish.

StehtFest, What would be an example of "not getting his way"?