Please dont for one minute think you are to blame, for things that happened TO you. You didnt tell them to Rape you, I know that, and I pray you do too. You are not to blame. Im not going to tell you ""i know how you feel"" because i dont. I know similar feelings, of my own accord, but Right now you are wondering How it could happen.
Once i admitted i was raped, and shared it with someone else, they took that trust and broke it by raping me. There is no such thing as Coincidence. . . to me. (this is all my personal opinion) But they knew what they were going to do before you walked into the room, accepted a kiss.. etc. They knew what they were going to do was wrong yet decided to engage in it anyways. These people dont have a common mind, thiers stems from violence and control. You did nothing wrong dear friend, You merely survived a situation where you were left with memories, images, and a Story to tell, You my friend are Smart, you give everyone here some amazing advice, and i hope someone can help you take this burden and lighten the load for you so you can heal, day by day, and place the blame where it belongs, With THEM.
So i will say it one more time.. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, for it happening, YOU DIDNT ASK FOR IT, You Are an INTELLIGENT & SMART human Being. And you always have a friend here. If you want to talk.Im here to listen :) Hugs!

Sex is consensual... Agreed upon and enjoyed by all involved parties...
What you describe doesn't sound consensual, agreed upon, and definitely not enjoyed.
You didn't choose that to happen, you didn't agree to it... Those men each made a decision to harm you.
It was their actions that deserve every bit of the blame.
I'm sorry you're feeling like a fraud for being here... I don't see you as a fraud at all. I'm glad you're here. I eagerly read your posts because I find your comments to often be so insightful and clear.
I think you were brave for putting this out there. I wish I had something wiser to say...

Couple of things that strike me on reading this?
You *were* innocent, you thought you were going into a 'date' situation that was in fact a trap - seems fairly obvious to me that these men were setting the situation up.

And the fact that something else then happened on the following night? Yes you're right, that is too much of a coincidence. Seems to me that this guy must have had some connection with the others, even if you weren't aware of it.

To an outsider's eyes, the manipulation and planning behind all of this is obvious. I'm fairly certain it wasn't 'something about you' that made them act this way, you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time - it can happen to anyone.

And you are definitely NOT a fraud!

I don't think there was a conection between these people, I think i just made myself very vunerable. The more i read other peoples stories the less to blame i do feel but then there is this stuff that goes flying round my head and just spins me in circles. For me by writing it down it is sort of a way to pin it down and try to make sense of it and getting peoples comments help.
I don't want to blame myself for this, i don't want to hate myself, I don't want this to define me but i'm not quite out of the woods yet. Thanks for all your feedback

whats weird is that it was hard writing and rereading my post. Its like i spend all this time on here and i think about how i relate to what you all say but i don't think about what happened to me in its entirity very much i sort of think around it and maybe it is time to go through it

I'm pretty sure this topic has come up before. The one about thinking you "don't belong here". In your last reply you wrote "I think about how I relate to what you all say". That can only happen if you understand our feelings and you are such a great support to those here, You not only belong here, but we wouldn't be the same without you....Hugs to you

I was really touched by your reply finally time, and you are right I have spoken of feeling like an outsider here before, to be honest i think i feel like that everywhere i go, i never feel like people really want me there
but you know what when i'm not on too much of a downer i do feel safe here so thanks eerybody

Mayday, in researching my thoughts about the posts I was to do for therapy, it struck me....when a dear friend shared her experience with me...a single stuck point of her's was so close to mine, but immediately I had a response for her. Immediately I knew it was right to say, "THAT was not your idea....you did what you did because of the rapist...not because of independent thought or desire". And, so it is for each of us. We become guilty because we accept guilt. It is not our's, but the weight of a thing known to us is so much lighter than a thing we may not recognize...so we take it on, and we own it, and then it becomes comfortable....or at least, more comfortable than the unknown. You mention that you were having sex with the first guy....if you want to accept responsibility for anything, let that be it.......but honey you were most assuredly set up. That first guy....he had a responsibility to you...to your safety...to your dignity. He abused all of his responsibilites and allowed you to be in a place of harm. So.....when you look back on this....you cannot even take responsibility for sex with a man who obviously set you up in a situation of danger, no matter if you initially did intend to have sex with him - you did not intend to have sex with his friends. He was not a sexual partner, he was the primary rapist. You do here what we all do....and...you are doing it in the right place. You are openly asking questions of yourself...and kindly allowing for our input. That is a good thing.

I told Dr. Chanlder how it is for me, that I can't seem to accept blamlessness for myself...but can so clearly see it in others...hands down...no problem at all. He said, "Yeah, and I'll bet each of them is just the same....it's always easier to see it in others. Now, you have to look inward and find the same tenderness for yourself, because it's due".

I think he is right. I am working toward that, and I see kindness in all your words to me. I wonder.....

What if each of us read all of our responses to other's posts...but we put our names on them...letters to ourselves so to speak....I wonder how that would feel.

By the way....the fraud thing. I think we all feel like frauds here...frauds in healing....frauds in our woundedness. I think it is important to note that just feeling a certain way doesn't change the reality of us. You are as genuine as anyone I know here, and I appreciate you and your input.

It is true that I can't be kind to myself but somehow when i look at other peoples posts (yours and a journal I was reading) it is so obvious that it was not there fault and that helps me cause it makes me start to question myself. Its like well i did the same thing so if I can see it doesn't make them to blame then maybe i can start to see it for myself I have spent so long feeling like i was the only one who has ever done such terrible things that my experience was uniquely damning somehow, like i am some crazy person but bit by bit i have heard other people share i think pretty much everything i blamed myself for and it is so clear to me it is not there fault and then i start to think well maybe i am not so unique may be i am just another rape survivor who blames herself for things that wern't her fault and not this crazy random other who did create this situation. I can't quite put it all together and take the blame away yet but you guys are helping so much it actually seems like a possibility and what you said in your post about it not being your idea, well thats true for me too, it wasn't my idea to sleep with theses guys i didn't initiate it and although it gets a bit lost somewhere i know i was et up thats why they sent in the guy who i had talked with first, to make it seem normal somehow, thats why nobody told me what was going on, nobody asked me if I wanted to, I'm running out of words now, but i just want to say thank you

I'm kinda thinking that first guy was setting the stage...well, making it seem all natural - you with him, just having sex. Then, as pre-arranged, the others come in like they did, and do what they do, not all ganging up at once, and maybe....just maybe that wasn't for you...to keep you from being possibly panicky. Maybe it was for them, so that they kind of 'played' at rape...like they showed up a couple at a time, fully intending to have sex with you, but the rape set up wasn't violent in their minds because they appeared to be having casual sex in a random fashion. Like, they could sleep beter that way.

I did a post a long time ago...entitled "Kind Rapist...how 2 deal?" It was about the female rapist involved in my rape. She had been kind, not violent and sadistic...well, not so it seemed compared to the men, but she spoke kinder...promised things...was like she was caring for me. In response to that, Matt asked had i considered the kindness had been to benefit her...not for me at all....like, she had purposely acted kind to confuse and confound me....but, so SHE could leave my bed not feeling like she had been involved in a sadistic rape of a child. And truthfully, until that moment when he mentioned it, I had not considered it, but it made perfect sense to me. So, that is where this thought came from....like these guys don't want to be rapists...they wanted to be a bunch of guys having sex with one girl....and in order to do that, they scripted it, and played it out...not so much to keep you from feeling violated, but more to give them a counter claim that they simply showed up, and there you were naked....and non-objecting and all...nevermind shock and confusion and being out-numbered...they set it up to make themselves appear innocent. They weren't. Never mistake it....they were not innocent.

Count me with Phoenix07 and Mockingbird12 - you were set up. It was not a coincidence. Look, guys talk to each other. I don't know you well enough to know why but you struck then as vulnerable. Jennifer (a mutual friend of M and me) had shut herself off because of her appearance. She was lonely. Denny saw that and played upon it. Something in you told them that you were vulnerable and they exploited it.

I have a 21 year old daughter. I am confident that she has experimented with the opposite sex. Do I love her any less? Absolutely NOT. Frankly, I'm glad she's swimming in the right direction, gives me hope for grandchildren some day. Because she's not a virgin, does she deserve to be raped? Absolutely not.

Whether the first guy was consensual or not is irrelevant. You were set up and you did not deserve to be raped.

ok this is why I am almost certain there was no connection between those guys and the guys on the second night. I was in holiday in Thailand. I was staying on ko samui, this is where i met the first guy he said he was french, although i din't believe him for some reason. The next night we had to go to this full moon party on ko pang yang. The gu who attacked me that night was a local guy. The first groupg of guys were there, I saw them the next morning but so were thousands of other people. I don't believe these people would have spoken to each other about me, I was just upset enough/stupid enough to antagonise this guy and that put myself in a very vunerable position, again

You fell asleep. For all you know your picture was all over the island via text/cell phone. There was a sad story I read earlier this year. A 16 year old girl foolishly sent a picture of herself naked to her "boy friend". He circulated it to every high school student at the four area high schools via cell phone text. She was driven to suicide. How do you know what happened when you fell asleep?

To be honest I don't apreciate people trying to tell me what did or didn't happen. I could again respond to your comment but I am not going to argue about this. I know what I know and I am begining to feel like I am being violated again with people making things up, some things you just know and even if i am wrong it is nobodies place to start fabricating things, it doesn't make me feel very safe and I would rather we just stop commenting on this post now

ok turns out i am going to bite and i know i am only going to make matters worse for myself by doing this but I'm not feeling good about some of the comments that have been made. I know you probably didn't mean any harm but please don't suggest to me that something might have happened to me that made somebody kill themselves you don't know who i am or how i am feeling right now and it is just super clumsy in my opinion.

After it happened one of the things that has made it hard for me to accept was what happened is what if they did tape the whole thing? What if one day it turns up on the internet and then and this is the scary part, what if it looks like i wanted it to happen? What if i did?I can't remember picture perfect what happened, it was all a mess and i don't know what really happened or why, i don't understand any of this and i just want it to go away