"Seriously...being around you guys at the retreat has been good for me."

Me too.

I liked the stuff you said, Matt.

After the retreat, a bunch of us were hanging out and -- can you believe it -- we talked about the retreat! How'd that come up? lol. Anyway, there were some great ideas about including other speakers, etc. but since then I realized something: I don't want to add anything to the retreat, no matter how wonderf it might be, if it takes anything away. And there are only so many hours in the day and so many days of retreat...

I loved both retreats. But I also voiced the concern that I didn't want things to become "static" or stale. Since then, I've rethought that too. The retreat is US, and we don't stay the same. We grow as individuals. We welcome new people into our fold. This year it was amazing to see how far some of us have come since last year. Each year we bring something different.

There were some spontaneous and unplanned things that happened, when it seemed like we were all on the same page without having to say anything. I don't want us to become so structured that there is no room for that.

Bill...I can't begin to say what he's meant to me. At my first retreat, I couldn't wait to tell him how his music had brought me through really dark times. This year I couldn't wait to tell him how lifechanging his words from last year were to me. Next year I'm sure I'll have something else I'm eager to tell him, and he'll have more lifechanging words for me. What I missed this year, though, was the time we just spent hanging out with Bill, in the smoking circle or out in the meadow...the times when he was just Bill and not Bill Birdsong Miller, if that makes sense. I love both.

As someone who has literally no routine in their life i really needed the basic food routine. Can we please not lose that? It allowed me to develop a healthy sleep pattern very quickly.

I haven't really had time to formulate my thoughts yet but i have a few things on my mind. Some asked for more structured chats like an open mike thing. Which i was up for until there was a dissemination of a fellow survivors open mike opportunity. I felt that some people felt it was okay to dishonour another person's courage and story. Whether they did so intentionally or otherwise..it made me feel unsafe to share myself in future. So i'm glad there will be no planned "therapy" circles.

There was something so humbling and precious as hearing men pray and sing lullabys for us. When matt talked about why lullabys i thought my heart was breaking and mending at the same time. Breaking because i realised that i struggled to view myself as innocent and mending because someone said i was. More importantly a MAN referred to me as innocent and wanted to honour that.

I found myself at this retreat. If i may quickly share something. I have a rape that has been too difficult for me to even think about. Everytime i tried to work on it remembering that someone chose to take my breath away and that i willed him to..it made me suicidal again. I wasn't thankful i survived. I was angry he'd been too weak to complete the job. So it was too unsafe for me to try and heal this rape.

The first night back i was up all night with flashbacks and body memories of that rape. Yeah it sucks..but my mind finally felt ready! It knew i felt worthy enough within myself that it could show me this memory and i wouldn't try to "end the job"

to be perfectly honest the schedule and activities are secondary to me. The feeling of family, the feeling of being honoured and the time to pray and reflect are what are. Friday night i watched the flames as other women sought spirital answers within the lodge and i found some of my own. The fire spoke to me.

I will make a thread on this to explain further my thoughts. For now..there is something wonderful about a place where rape is an acceptable breakfast topic. I didn't express myself well at closing but i am so grateful to experienced this..among other things :)

What you said about the lullabies, Heptet, I felt so much the same even though I was hearing them from outside the sweat lodge. I tried to explain to my fish today why I found it so beautiful and so deeply moving, but my words failed me. You said it so well.

I am so glad to read of your retreat experience. You are incredibly brave to have come all the way across the ocean to a distant land. I felt honored to meet you.

I am so glad to read of your retreat experience. I look forward to reading more. You are incredibly brave to have come all the way across the ocean to a distant land. I felt honored to meet you.

Oh Hep.. as one of the people who wasn't fond of the open mike concept I feel awful that you felt unsafe sharing. Sweetie, I had hoped that I had made it clear to everyone, that if they wanted to share that was awesome! I would be fine with it going on as long as it was ok for me to decline to participate without offending anyone. Open mike is not my thing, but an open ear and heart ARE my thing. Hugs

Thanks :) it wasn't me sharing or wanting to share that made an unsafe feeling. I shared as much as i personally needed or could over the retreat and i do regret not allowing anyone to comfort me. But hugs are a big thing for me and i managed them when i didn't need them so i'm happy :)

the unsafe thing came from listening to a conversation on another survivor's sharing. I know i have people with whom i can say my feelings to. You are one of the women i very quickly connected to :) i'm just a lot more hesitant to share on an open basis..like i wouldn't have the freedom to say what i needed to say within a moment because i'm scared of being the subject of a similar conversation.

I just wish i'd had the courage to say at the time when i felt angry or scared. Something to work on :)

Oh I understand. I understand you not wanting to be the 'subject of a similiar' conversation. Like Matt said earlier we are not perfect . We blow it sometimes.

I know I and Leitha have had conversations at the retreats about the differences in our sharing styles. How opposite they are. I love Leitha, I love her with all my heart..I know she loves me too. We are just different. I personally don't mind people talking about me when I' m not around. ( I hear I had some gratitude to extend to a certain someone on a plate ;) I know some people are scared of me or put off by me. I expect that they would share that with someone...that's ok. I KNOW ...Solidly in my heart that at this retreat, No one holds any malice at all when we share no matter how frustrated we sound! I trust in that 100%. If someone thinks my sharing is offputting and talks to someone else about it...I think that's GREAT! Why? Because most of us have felt our feelings have been silence...this one place is where we can express it. Most of us ..in real life suck it up and tolerate things that bother us, for alot of reasons. This retreat is one place we don't have to do that. With that being said....some things (like the faux pas mentioned in Matts and my earlier posts) are just the human-ness in us showing.....if we remember that we are all healing we are all in this together..those 'discretions' are easier to understand.

I felt very strongly at one point about something that had happened during this years retreat and I made sure I talked to one of the facilitators.....one of them needed to know how I was feeling so my feelings could be discharged somewhere without creating a boundary issue. The faciliators (Matt, Tonya, Jennifer, Debbie, Rachele) can help be a place to discharge and they can help us decide whether we should or shouldn't share with the person that has upset us. I think sharing like this actually allows us to see the other person as a fello survivor, giving us an objective perspective something that we may have lost sight of in our differences in sharing. I know for a fact, had I not shared with one of the facilitators I might have withdrawn from this person the entire weekend and that would have been a shame because this person has a beautiful heart, and brings so much to the retreat. We are just different.

Hep, you described in a post one of your real life friends and how she gets angry at you for disagreeing with her or not wanting to do something you don't want to do..it's not ok with her for you to say NO. I for one want you to know in no uncertain terms...we are not like that. You have a right to speak your piece, you have a right to say " No, I don't want to do that' or "No that is not ok with me" and in us you have friends that will love and care for you anyway.

It's hard isn't it? Hard to believe you don't have to be a people pleaser in order to have companionship and comraderie. You have that with us..., you'll never lose it.

(I'm so happy you took my hugs)