Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Even though you all did SO much to help the retreat succeed, I still couldn't help but feel rushed all the time. It seems like I was always trying to prepare for the next thing, and I didn't have as much casual time to hang out until later at night. Most of the things I had to rush to do weren't things I could have delegated, either, but it meant I wasn't as "calmly available" as I usually like to be. I'm very much a "Type B" personality, but during retreat it's 90% "Type A" just to pull it off.
I would hope that there is continued scope to have both newbies and previous attendees there
This year was very different for me than last year. I am open to whatever the retreat holds me.
There's always some talk about how people feel torn between finally being safe enough to "take off masks" and open up, versus the self-care injunction against exposing delicate issues. One idea some people have had is to do more of a "talking circle" activity for self-expression. But as good as that sounds, I feel I ought to step in and preemptively disagree because it gets VERY close to therapy, and may even cause some to feel put on the spot too. Keep in mind, with 30 people you have limited time to open up anyways just because even 10 mere minutes each turns into 300 minutes. Imagine how exhausted people would feel! I think it would also give a heavy, leaden feeling to the retreat. Some people WANT a proper time to open up, but I'd advise, "be careful what you wish for." I don't mind the casual conversations we've all had about our "stuff" during our ordinary times, but I don't plan to create a formal, planned activity of it for the group.
On the other hand, a time where we get to say something positive about where we've been and where we're going is VERY appropriate. That, perhaps, could be done in a way that avoids the "talking circle of intimate openness" risks.
As we evolve into more of a "celebration festival," I plan to work with Bill about his role. Bill's getting better at this, but there are still some rough edges. I love that man, and I think he's been excellent for the retreat--yet I don't idolize him. We all have skills AND flaws, right? Bill shares parts of his own story for a reason, though, and that's to show (with emotions) that he really does connect to these issues. It's important for new people to really, truly realize that Bill is a product of much of the very same pain as they are, and yet see someone who has made something positive with his life. So on a certain level, it's been necessary for him to share some of that. But I also don't think it has to be an ongoing process, either. I'd like to work with him to help develop a more interactive style in which the topic evolves to a celebration of what we've done, and less about managing our feelings and responses toward our past pains. The empathic side of me suspects this idea will get a lot of agreement. Besides, every year the group affirms to him that "you're one of us." That can't be said to someone who doesn't share of themselves, too.
I'd also like to work with Bill on some of the half-baked comments that his "randomness" puts out there. I suspect that, like all of us, he too has the capacity to blurt out stuff that he hasn't been careful about in advance, and would probably reconsider in hindsight. Hey, Bill's not a perfect man, and nor are any of us perfect people too: who here HASN'T made those same faux pas? For example, Bill started going on this really awkwardly BAD point during part of his concert banter, and I was like, "Bill, shut up and play!" He ended up blurting out what ought to have just been musical time. We've all done that too, but hopefully not on a stage! It's not really him or his ACTUAL ideas, it was a lousy point made clumsily. Apologies from me if people know what I'm referring too, and also felt disappointed in that one moment. Forgive him, please, and remember that Bill is a kind, man, a good-hearted man, and that he's trying SO hard to give his best. Good self-care skills mean taking the thousands of blessings a good person has given, and shrugging off the occasional thing we don't want to keep from them too.
Sweatlodge stuff: James says he's willing to do sweats three days in a row if necessary, so that we don't have to worry if our numbers grow again. The most he's ever done is five days in a row before. James would also like a chance to meet with us all beforehand to share some additional teachings, too. He's very pleased with how you all worked in the ceremony, and the respect you've shown; he doesn't do these ways for just anyone.
Plates: this worked better than I thought. This is a case where we don't have to "learn better for next time;"
we just accidentally got it right! As it turns out, the plate-smashing thing worked BEST as something you all did in an unscheduled, when-it-feels-right way. Hey, if midnight works, cool. I also think the idea of making a mosaic is something that sounds very poetic in concept, but might not be as positive in actual application; one idea is that once those things are junked, there's no reason to see them again. So what do you think? Smash and trash, or continue on to art? For me, it feels like the moment is complete and anything else is just forcing more out of it that doesn't need to happen, but I'm willing to take your counsel on it.
On women and men: I know I've said this, but let me reiterate it. Debbie, Jennifer, and Rachele are the volunteer co-directors with me. They approached me and asked to have kitchen work; it was THEIR preference. I know, weird, huh? So this retreat is balanced between three male and three female leaders (plus Tonya, who's not a "leader" but works her butt off for it). I'm the retreat host, so that's just what it is. In Oklahoma, tribal customs are that sweatlodges are run by men (sweats run by women are VERY rare), so having James in that role is also just how it is (and remember the deafening uprising at the mere thought that he might be replaced with a female anyway?). I just honestly don't know of a female performer/survivor/speaker analogue to Bill who could, or even would, do the same things. So there you have it: men and women both share in the duties of leading this retreat, and each in the role they have asked for. I'm only pointing this out because I want people to know that I've actually been very methodical, very deliberate, in planning something that offers you the chance to see men and women cooperating together in these actions. I also avoid being in the spotlight by conducting my own sessions because I don't want this to be the "Matt retreat;" it's not about me and I don't want to be in the front-and-center.
Last and not least, the schedule. As much as we try to have a schedule, it's just not working. We either need to ditch it and do things as they flow, or we need to become stricter about starting and stopping on time. That stricter management would mean things are predictable but it would also quench the "do what we need for as long as we need it" good feeling. Personally, I prefer the former. The one problem we have has been in the mornings, because even if we say "we're meeting at 10:30" someone will say at 10:20, "But I need a shower! Can you give me 20 minutes?" or people start wandering out of their rooms at 10:30 going, "What are we going to do next?" That's fine with me, except for when I've made a plan with Bill to pick up him at 10 so he'll be prompt for all of you. Maybe next time we only schedule afternoon things and leave mornings free?
Remember, NOTHING is going to be perfect. There's no way to accommodate the myriad preferences, ideas, dislikes, expectations, and hopes of every person in every way. So yeah, some stuff is always just going to be sloppy or imperfect. Remember what James said about willows: we use them because flexible things will persevere, while rigid things will break. I'll do the absolute best I can, but in the end some stuff is just going to have to be imperfect. Things will run late. Bill, in addition to VAST wisdom and compassion, will say something goofy at random. Folks will want things done differently. We'll see each others' flaws. And yet that's going to be good enough anyway, because it's STILL the happiest time at the most peaceful place for us each year.
The retreat is perfect in that we get to be with each other. Yes, it is still the happiest and most peaceful place on earth. After many years, I am seeing at as a home. I do not have a place to call home where I grew up. Maybe, this is that place for me. Sorry to be so sappy.
I have a few thoughts on what you wrote and really just one thing that I would like added (pretty please).
1) On Sunday, we had an opportunity to introduce ourselves as to who we are and what we do (family, where we live, jobs and hobbies, etc.). It was amazing to me to learn this about my fellow survivors. I liked seeing them as the whole person that they truly are. Many of their responses truly inspired me and made more in awe of them. If we could add one thing, that it is what I would like to see this added. However, this needs to be done at least on Saturday after people connected and were a bit more willing to talk about who they are.
2) In terms of people, I am concerned if it the retreat gets much bigger that it will become more difficult to truly interact and meet others at the retreat. Now, if it does become bigger, it may lose a bit of the intimacy, but maybe that is ok.
@Matt- I think your ideas are great. I DO, however like the idea of a talking circle. I don't think it has to be a large group event, either though. If James is going to be around, I think he would inspire some good circles. Maybe give him the creative freedom to suggest people form a circle and continue talking with him if he sees the formation occuring? I think he could easily start conversations and before he knew it, he'd have himself a circle.
Re: scheduling and not scheduling... NOT having a schedule is a bit outside of my comfort zone... but I could use it as an opportunity to try new things eh? Truthfully, I *like* having at least a general idea of what to expect and when to expect it.
As for the men and women issue. I do not see it as an issue at all. I think that rape is so much more than a female/male issue it is a human issue. I believe that rape is something that transcends races, genders and all stereotypes because unfortuantley it happens that often. I like having the guys there it gives me a chance to remember that not all men are bad and that some are trustworthy and there to help. I love that we get a chance to be with men that truly have our best interest at heart and that we can really trust.
We all talk about how we feel we are family, how it feels like a family relationship.
The line in one of the shows was "Because we are family, we make concessions for family". Bill made a negative comment about my faith that first year. It was a faux pas. I took offense to it, but because it was Bill and I knew what his part in the retreat was I knew it wasn't anything personal towards me. I doubt that he even thought there might be Catholics in the audience...it wasn't purposely hurtful.
I think we all deserve these kinds of concessions. We are going to do things that bother each other. We are not perfect. I believe we all act with the best intentions but sometimes they get lost in the bustle of the moment. I know I hurt someone's feelings, I was grateful she told me about it but at the same time I thought...'wow, I would have hoped she would have known me well enough to know I would never do anything intentional to make someone feel bad". Sometimes it's hard not to be stung by the gregarious personalities of the retreat but I KNOW all of know the sacredness of the place and of the people and never once in 3 years have we had people say something JUST to hurt someone. Being part of family can be unintentionally upsetting and we do have to make concessions for one another.
As far as Bill is concerned...you couldn't ask for an easier person to talk to ...and his Wisconsin roots haven't be totally banished just because he left many years ago. One thing you'll notice about Wisconsites...we say it like we mean it! It's actuallly an honor in my opinion. I hope Matt knew, the second I began giving him shit was when I began to consider him a friend. It's just how we roll up here. (and in Iowa too I'm learning)
I want to try plate breaking ...less structured activites are my vote. Offer activities but lets collectively try to figure out the times. Except for the sweats the rest can just be done around them. I think no matter how you do it there will be times when some people can't make it. I don't know that's something you can help.
Seriously...being around you guys at the retreat has been good for me.