Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
My wife is a member here, so pretty much everyone knows I'm happily married. But I'd like to hear some inspirational (*not personal/private) ideas from others here about how you keep your closest relationships vibrant. I think this is an important topic because people who have come through a lot of pain and shame often have difficulty reconnecting with pleasure, enjoyment, romance, acceptance, and mutuality again. There is often a sense that we don't deserve those experiences, or perhaps even that they are shameful in and of themselves. As a result, we have (sadly) become conditioned to feel distant and confused about intimacy (I'm not vaguely referring to sexuality, but to interpersonal intimacy in all forms: spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological).
This is very sad to me, because recovering the right and ability to feel emotionally pleased in close relationships is so vital to human life. My wife and I, for example, still have a dating life! Every week, I take her out for dinner and an evening together, just us (or occasionally a few friends). And almost every night, we stay up late eating Twizzlers and watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and just snuggling and being cute together.
Anyone else?
This is very sad to me, because recovering the right and ability to feel emotionally pleased in close relationships is so vital to human life. My wife and I, for example, still have a dating life! Every week, I take her out for dinner and an evening together, just us (or occasionally a few friends). And almost every night, we stay up late eating Twizzlers and watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and just snuggling and being cute together.
Anyone else?
We also try to go out to dinner...just the two of us, these last months have been slacking, because of his business schedule and where I'm at emotionally, but I have to be thankful at least these two distractions happened at the same time.
We do with the kids have 'pizza/movie night' every Friday night. This we do with the girls (and whatever friend is over), and it gives me the opportunity to see him enjoy something he never had as a kid. He's mentioned that its really important to him. And it's nice to see this guy who is the boss all day.....kick back and be at the mercy of the 4 women in his life. Poor guy has seen his share of girlie movies, no smash-em up boy movies for our girls.
As for the physical intimacy, just that we re-connect when he comes home each night, with a hug (a long one if I had a therapy session that day) and kiss. Hold hands if we sit near each other in the evening...but usually we have kids around us...seems if they see this they suddenly want to be a part of it....kind of like when they ignore you until the phone rings then they can't part with your attention.
Oh and just for LOVE.. and this does show how much I love my husband...I watch the History Channel with him...may not sound like a feat, but you try sitting through shows like 'The History of Steel"...which he finds intriguing and LOVES!
Because we see each other less, we are trying really hard to make all of our time together special. We do this by the little things. Some example...
We grow a vegetable garden together and each week we are taking pictures of the seedlings we planted (they're on my pictures ^_^).
Every now and then I will buy him a Reeces Peanut Butter Cup (one of his favorite candy's ever) and surprise him with it the next time I see him.
We go out to lunch as much as money allows (used to be dinner but he's working 6-7 nights a week right now). Usually it will be to one of our favorites like Walt's Roast Beef or the New York System for Weiners and Fries. Sometimes we'll go to Olive Garden and get the soup salad and breadsticks. Or to Lakis for a Broccoli pies with cheese and pepperoni.
We play a game together. We started playing in August of '08. World of Warcraft. To anyone that knows the game, we're the only two officers in our guild, I'm the guildbanker, he's the recruiter and has a vent server running. Having these high ranks, the guildmaster comes to us a lot for advice or ideas or things like that. And together, Brian and I have developed a new ranking system, a point system, and are currently creating a policies page on our guild website. So by playing this game together, it has given us more to talk about, more in common, and something to do together besides watch TV.
But we do still watch TV! Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, Dirty Jobs, NCIS, and many other shows. I personally am not really a TV person, but I don't mind it. So we lie together in bed watching TV. He's not really a cuddler all the time, but just lying next to him I still feel that connection and bond with him (though being a girl of course I wish he'd be more cuddly =-P)
Hmm what else. We cook together. Whenever we decide to cook a special meal (we both still live with our parents so usually his mom cooks) we always prep the food and cook everything together. Stealing bites on the way, or feeding each other taste tests. It's especially rewarding when we are cooking with the items from our vegetable garden (not yet they're still little baby plants!)
We do our weekly food shopping together. Because of our work schedules and trying to save money (me for the retreat, him for bills and beefing up his computer) it is more important than ever that we go shopping together at the market. We get Healthy Choice meals for work, he buys snacks. We buy cans of soda instead of buying $1.59 bottles of soda. I buy fruit and yogurt (attempting to eat healthier as much as my budget will allow) and he's a pretty avid impulse buyer (mostly when we go there hungry). But shopping together is usually a pleasant experience for us.
Every time we need to go away for a while, like if I'm going to work or he gets to work or we're going to sleep for the night, we exchange I love you's (usually over text). Randomly throughout the days or times we do see each other, we'll share random kisses and I love stealing long hugs. When I leave for the night, I get a really long hug and a few kisses. When he's going to work, same thing.
I know that this is long, but what I'm trying to say is for us, it's the little things that keep us going. The small impulse buys that show that we're always thinking of one another. The random I love you texts. The comfort of being silent. The way it's completely not awkward. And to be able to have those little reminder's that we are there for each other is something that is really precious to me.
Anyway, back to the topic...(ha ha!)
My husband and I have set aside every Wednesday as 'date night' for the last 18 or so years. We've never had much money, so we seldom go out. When our kids were little, we'd just tell them that they were not allowed to interrupt our date unless someone was bleeding... a lot. lol Dates for us are things like reading a book together, watching a movie, just talking, snuggling - always snuggling, working on a project in the garden together (seasonal of course), etc. It doesn't matter what we do... we just do it together. Setting aside this night has had a dramatic impact on our marriage. We did it at first because life with kids is so busy that we found we were losing touch with each other. But, we haven't had kids living at home for a few years now and we refuse to give up date night. It's the favorite night of the week for both of us.
We snuggle every night and watch Doctor Who. (I'm gettin' pretty tired of Doctor Who. lol I think we'll switch to the old Dick Van Dyke show soon.) (FinalyTime - I hear you about The History Channel! lol)
We live together. I don't know how to state it any better. There was a time that we lived in the same house, but the only 'intimacy' was sex. It's not that way today. We're together... heart, mind and body. We are 'one flesh'.
My husband works at home and has a very hard time staying out in his shop. He ventures over to the house every few hours because he just has to see me for a minute. I hear so many woman gripe about it when their husbands are around too much - he gets in their way. For me, it's perfect. He is a wonderful interruption in my days!
And I relate to your husband--I like being in contact with my family. I hate it when we start a nap together and when I wake up Tonya's already been up and gone. I like to work at the kitchen table when I do art, even though I have an art table at the other end of the den, because family will sit around with me and watch and talk.
Twice already this week I've had each of my sons curl up on me and nap. One was feeling sick, and the other was just being snuggly. It kind puts everything bad in perspective when your child's heart beats right on your chest.
The premise is that Doctor Who is a time lord from the planet Gallifrey, that travels through time and space with his companions in his ship (the TARDIS) which looks like a 1950's era English police box. The Doctor is able to 'regenerate' so replacing one doctor for another has happened many times over the years. lol (My favorite Doctor is the 4th, played by Tom Baker and his companion Sarah Jane.)
My husband took to collecting all of them on ebay, so we've got a huge stack. They're clean and goofy for the most part. The aliens in the earliest ones are hilarious. The recent ones have far more sophisticated aliens. lol
I so agree Matt, that your child's heartbeat against your chest puts things into perspective! Grandchildren do the same, which is wonderful, since I rarely get my adults kids to snuggle these days. lol
Gotta share this: Years ago, when we were building a new bathroom (our only bathroom) my husband was using glue to hang the mirror over the sink. He used the glue to draw a few hearts and write "I love Kaye" on the wall. It was sweet and I giggled about it. We both got a surprise when we discovered that when the bathroom is steamy from a bath or shower, those words and hearts show up on the mirror! That is the coolest message to get every night when I get out of the bathtub!
Another thing we do is dance. Slow dance. There is a song that I blast on occasion when he's in the house and he quickly comes and finds me so we can dance to it. Here's the song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tQIB0qWKBM . It's called Nowhere Else by The Seventy Sevens. Just in case anyone else feels like dancing with their husband/wife. ;o)
I don't think I know anyone else who listens to them!
Our life together is quiet, but full. I enjoy many of the things that my husband does, so, we do those things together. We have more than one TV in our home, and it has long been a rule - especially when our son was home - when we watch the same TV show, we do it as a family. I love to read...my husband's last book was forced when he was a senior in High School - I don't think he finished it, LOL. If I read, I do it in the same room as him, as he does whatever he enjoys. We do alot of parellel activities.
We hug. I ask for "snuzzleing"...and he knows what I mean. I hated when we were first married that every physical contact led to sex. Because of my past experiences, I felt cheapened by that. He had no way of knowing, he was acting on pure human urges, I was acting out of fear. Since the PTSD has returned to the forefront, I make sure to speak up. I try to remember he can't read my mind. I don't always succeed. I love it when he helps with the kitchen clean up after supper. I love it when we fold clothes together, getting finished sooner, and perhaps having time alone together for 'other' things.
I don't think I am good at 'other' things. I am not sure about some of the basics, so, I feel like I am inadequate. But, he has never done anything to create that feeling in me. He compliments my body. He compliments my attempts at things I don't usually try. I LOVE it when he comes into the bathroom when I am soaking in a tub full of bubbles, and without being asked, he picks up the washcloth and tels me to pick up my hair so he can gently wash my back. 'Other' things are more inviting when simple things come before.
I am trying to take back kissing. I work on it each time we find ourselves 'there'. Each time I make the attempt, I know he knows it is out of my love for him, not any sense of obligation.
We worship together. We talk about things that matter to us, to our future. I think the answer to long-lived relationships is compromise, communication, and togetherness. A long while back a Pastor told us that the trick to staying together was to make a decision. I should decide that, no matter how miserable a thing makes me, I am to do whatever it takes to make my husband happy. Likewise, no matter how miserable a thing makes him, he is to do whatever it takes to make me happy. If both of us do only that one thing - neither of us will ever be miserable. It has worked so far.
We rush home to watch the same TV shows too. We talk. And sometimes I have to forgive him for talking through the best part of the show..., (usually to ask "what just happened?") thanks to the DVR, it isn't such a big deal...:)