Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
My wife is a member here, so pretty much everyone knows I'm happily married. But I'd like to hear some inspirational (*not personal/private) ideas from others here about how you keep your closest relationships vibrant. I think this is an important topic because people who have come through a lot of pain and shame often have difficulty reconnecting with pleasure, enjoyment, romance, acceptance, and mutuality again. There is often a sense that we don't deserve those experiences, or perhaps even that they are shameful in and of themselves. As a result, we have (sadly) become conditioned to feel distant and confused about intimacy (I'm not vaguely referring to sexuality, but to interpersonal intimacy in all forms: spiritual, emotional, physical, psychological).
This is very sad to me, because recovering the right and ability to feel emotionally pleased in close relationships is so vital to human life. My wife and I, for example, still have a dating life! Every week, I take her out for dinner and an evening together, just us (or occasionally a few friends). And almost every night, we stay up late eating Twizzlers and watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and just snuggling and being cute together.
Anyone else?
This is very sad to me, because recovering the right and ability to feel emotionally pleased in close relationships is so vital to human life. My wife and I, for example, still have a dating life! Every week, I take her out for dinner and an evening together, just us (or occasionally a few friends). And almost every night, we stay up late eating Twizzlers and watching "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and just snuggling and being cute together.
Anyone else?
Followed up by a good home-cooked meal, and yes a good cheesey sci-fi is always fun at the end of the night :)
And it really helped me to have to learn how to let someone take care of me again. After my first rape I became so "do it myself" that i kept so many people out of my life. and while my second rape hadnt occured yet, i remembered the skill i had learned from him about letting others help me.
sometimes I miss the dating world!!!
-Phone calls end with I love you.
-No secrets, never fails to keep communication going.
-Given that he spends a lot of time working away we respect how we need each other to live the life we do.
-We spend time together as adults and away from the children a few days here and a few days there, as well as time together shared as a family.
-But the trust we share has grown from a seed and now is a well rooted healthy tree.
- We plan the future together recognising each others dreams as important as our own.
-We smile and laugh and joke, We listen even when we disagree
-Oh yeah as this was all sounding a little slushy and a bit to perfect, we rarely go to bed on an argument if we do we make time to talk it through in a calmer state of mind
But thinking about how he acted towards me today fits with this topic. He made sure to touch me in an intimate and totally non sexual way often today. He went overboard playing with my son's to give me a little extra breathing room. There was so much more than that but I think the point is there.
Not only do we try to do things everyday, saying I love you for no reason, texting each other, leaving simple love notes or even thank you notes around for the other to find, etc... but we also try to have date night every week also. I think it is vital to remember that we are a couple and not just two people who exist in the same place at the same time.
AND then the fact that we try to step up and carry the load when the other one is having a hard day, that is the point I was trying to start with. To me that is very intimate. Maybe it is only me but after I got over feeling sorry for my self or whatever it was today I felt so close to my fiance. He had gone home for the evening but I still feel so warm and loved and am eagerly looking forward to seeing him tomorrow.
I love spending time with him. Either having fun, just hanging out, taking naps, etc... But I really think when you offer honest service to someone, it is one of the greatest signs of love there is.
And service can be as easy as giving a peanut butter cup. (They are the best candy ever!) Today at church my anxiety level was so high I could barely sit still. My sweetie luckily had chocolate to share. It was caramel filled instead of peanut butter but hey, it worked.
I also like how you pointed out smiling at each other a lot. My husband and I basically smile at each other every time we make eye contact. A smile transforms a face.... and it can transform a mood, too.
My husband and I are most likely going to be teaching a marriage class over the summer for our church body (and anyone else that wants to come.) Exciting stuff!
I have amazing role models for marriage and good strong relationships, my parents will be celebrating their 52 Anniversary in May and have never been seperated, they raised 6 children, have 6 granddaughters and 1 grandson. I know that their marriage is not perfect, but I have never heard them fight, there has never been any type of control or violence. Still today they do little special things for each other, when mom is out she sometimes brings home a special coffee that dad likes. When mom has had a long day dad still rubs her feet for her.
One of my brothers just celebrated his 29th anniversary, my sister in law is a wonderful woman and they work together from their home, it is clear that they not just love each other, but they like each other and are friends too. They rely on each other, they know when the other needs time away from work and stress so one of them will make plans for a special weekend away just to spend time together not for recreation or for sports, just time together.
Another brother married when he was 19 and was so very much in love with his wife, they worked together to home school their oldest child even though my brother worked outside the home as well. When sadly and unexpectantly his wife died afer giving birth to their second child, my brother gave her the name my sister in law wanted and also gave my niece her mother's name. He lovingly raised both children telling his youngest stories about her mother and making sure she always has a picture of her. He reminded his oldest that her mother was an amazing woman and made sure she remembers the good times with her mom. ~ His oldest Just got married a week and a half ago to a wonderful kind and loving man. (Not unlike her father).
My sister will be celebrating her first anniversary the end of this month, she and her husband were best friends for more than a year before they ever started dating and got married. Even though the 1st year is supposed to be the hardest, and it was a huge adjustment for both of them, the love they share is clear for anyone to see.
I'm so thankful that I have such wonderful examples and role models for a good, healthy, loving relationship. They have all taught me something different but one thing I have learned from all of them is that I will not settle, and when my time comes for a relationship and marriage I know how to keep the communication open, the honesty there and for the love to continue to overflow - even in the small ways.
Sorry it's so long. Thanks for starting this thread Matt.