Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I've been blogging since 2002 and in that time have toyed with the idea of doing a series of interviews with people who have inspired or touched me through their advocacy, writing or in other ways. I've finally decided to do the series.
Our own Matt agreed to be the first in that series of interviews. As my blog is syndicated into LexisNexis, CanWest, Amazon's Kindle and other services, hopefully the exposure will help spread news of the book. I included links to the book website and this group in the interview.
http://remodel4life.blogspot.com/2009/10/interview-with-matt-atkinson-author-of.html
http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3509/79/
The interview is available at the links above. At present, the comment feature is not functioning correctly on my website (second link), but the comments work just fine at Remodel 4 Life (first link) if you would like to leave supportive comments for Matt there.
Our own Matt agreed to be the first in that series of interviews. As my blog is syndicated into LexisNexis, CanWest, Amazon's Kindle and other services, hopefully the exposure will help spread news of the book. I included links to the book website and this group in the interview.
http://remodel4life.blogspot.com/2009/10/interview-with-matt-atkinson-author-of.html
http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3509/79/
The interview is available at the links above. At present, the comment feature is not functioning correctly on my website (second link), but the comments work just fine at Remodel 4 Life (first link) if you would like to leave supportive comments for Matt there.
When the temple was destroyed, it wasn't _completely_ destroyed. There were two things left. The first can be seen by any visitor to Jerusalem: two of the retaining walls of the Temple Mount (the better known of these is called the Western or Wailing Wall). But Jewish tradition also says that while God fled, the Shekhinah, the essential the soul-breath of God, remained. In legends and poetry this aspect of God is viewed as in exile from God's own self. God who is One is in some sense fractured when the Temple is destroyed (or anytime we have reasonless hatred).
Isn't this what an unhealed survivor experiences: an outer shell and a self in exile from the wholeness of her (or his) person?
That's why the things people say are so much worse sometimes. I told my mother she said "maybe he couldn't help himself" as if oh he loved you so much!? I couldn't believe it I was so sad and so shocked...not the maternal hug and healing I was hoping for. What a rape victim experiences is reasonless hatred.
If someone--a counselor, partner, minister, friend, mentor--wanted to provide something beneficial and medicinal to you to counteract the reasonless hatred, what would it be?
Intentional- not because it's their job, or they "have to", but because they understand enough to just love you for who you are, because they CHOOSE to, despite it all... someone chooses to engage you.
respect- because disrespected doesnt begin to describe how cast aside you can feel; emotionally, physically...
affection- just to be loved. to be kept safe. to be understood and feel WORTHY. Doesnt seem to be too much to ask for.
Just my 2 cents :)
This is so true, and it gives me hope that I will experience regaining atonement with God in a complete way.
I like your answer, Scuba, to Matt's question about counteracting reasonless hatred. I would add, to be fully accepted as the person I am, even if that means broken and flawed. I'm not saying I want approval for everything I do, because I do things that I shouldn't. But the type of acceptance I mean is something I've never really experienced from anyone but my therapist. It's an amazing thing. I had no idea it was possible.
Caring - to know that you are truly cared for whether it is professional or a non-professional.
Love - I think that this one may be true as well. There are many types of love to show someone. You can love a parent, a child, a partner, a dog, a teacher, etc. I think that love must be the antithesis of hatred.
This emotion may be the scariest of all because that means really opening yourself up to others. Interestingly enough, this one requires trust. I think that trust is lost and needs to be repaired.
Stand beside me and fight. Recognize that the evil that hurt me isn't my private injury, but rather something that left unattended can hurt us all.
Help me to remember that there is light, and laughter and hope. That no matter how much reasonless hatred there is, there is also boundless love and infinite regard. Remind me that from time to time I need to contemplate the bright sun on a leaf by the side of the road or the laugh of a child or the rain nurturing the earth and renew myself.
<<<<Stand beside me and fight. Recognize that the evil that hurt me isn't my private injury, but rather something that left unattended can hurt us all.>>>>
Seriously when I go back to the 17 year old who was me and still is me my immediate thoughts and feeling was as follows:
I also love the mandala. : )
I thought in my mind of who I could go to because I needed to tell them about how there was something wrong in the world ... I needed to tell them because something would have to be done to eliminate what it was that contributed the problem this boy had.
Wow just asking this question has made me feel more buoyant.
I waited years between getting what I needed... I wonder if things dispensed earlier could help alleviate the complications later of course. I remember once on line a young woman came on about something that had happened within a year. She wrote about what happened along with all her reactions and thoughts. I printed it out took it home and marked up the paper cross this out replace with this thought. I felt like a teacher red marking a paper. I wrote it to her and I remember she just wrote back with an "Oh"
that make sense. I always hope to this day that it helped prevent something worse down the line. I think that is the cognitive aspect.
Love would be the anti dote ... how many forms and how can it be provided and expressed there are so many ways.
With pleasure, feel free to use/pass on as you see fit.
Intentional- not because it's their job, or they "have to", but because they understand enough to just love you for who you are, because they CHOOSE to, despite it all... someone chooses to engage you.
respect- because disrespected doesnt begin to describe how cast aside you can feel; emotionally, physically...
affection- just to be loved. to be kept safe. to be understood and feel WORTHY. Doesnt seem to be too much to ask for."
I like this very much. When I read the question from Matt, it struck a cord from me. For some, this kind of antidote would be essential. For some people, their therapist and a website like this (maybe not even this website) is their entire support system. Friends or family may be involved in the rape itself, or if uninvolved, may be incapable of understanding why the aftermath of rape runs so deeply within us. So, if the therapist is the driving force not only in helping someone to recover, but also their support system, guidance, and only meaningful connection they have that can intertwine the platform of rape, it's SO important to make that bond with them.
When I sought out my first therapist, that was me. I had my boyfriend who would be generally supportive, but downplayed it, questioned if it was rape multiple times, and definitely had a list of other "faults" that made him NOT capable of being supportive the way I needed it. I yearned so badly for my therapist to engage me emotionally. I yearned for her to respect me, as I had been disrespected by many people throughout my life. I yearned for her to comfort me, but she never ever moved. We always sat on opposite sides of the room from one another, and I always felt so alone. I yearned for her to FEEL my pain, to understand it, and to want to help me. I only ever felt like I was a file in her drawer and another "sick woman" she had to listen to for an hour then was free. I always caught her glancing at the clock or other stupid things like that. Like she was only half listening. Nothing was ever personal. Nothing was ever for me. I was just a client. I wasn't respected. She thought she always knew best. And I wasn't loved or cared for at all.
I am glad that I had certain people from this site walk through my life at some point. I have still yet to find a therapist that can provide intentional respect and affection.....well...one that doesn't live in the middle of the country when I'm in California. :) But I know that with diligence, respect for myself and my journal, and a clear head of what I need and want from a therapist...that and health insurance :P, I will find that therapist.
I don't think it's possible to fully heal without a therapist that can provide that.
Love the retreat dream. If I win the lottery (must begin playing first, obviously), that's something I would donate to - as long as I got to stay there too.