I liked what RARmember said about appreciating the awareness. For me, the difference between that and glass house syndrome (a great description!) is expressed by the following two examples:

1. After the last retreat, some of us were thinking of going out to a bar. Danee described it to us in great detail, in a way that equipped and empowered us to decide for ourselves whether we would be comfortable there. She was considerate and respectful -- not the slightest bit condescending. Of course, she's pretty amazing all around!

2. Someone once said to me, about a movie -- can't recall which one, "Oh, you couldn't handle it. You'd be a basket case. It would send you over the edge." I wanted to rush out and watch the movie just to prove them wrong. This was the opposite of empowering. It made me feel like a fragile nutcase who needed other people to protect me from life -- and being treated like that pissed me off.

I'm the one who knows best what I can or can't handle on any given day. I definitely appreciate a heads-up, but don't try to decide for me. Does that mean I've never made a mistake? No...but I've learned from them. (As in...watching "Precious" and drinking vodka while all alone after a rough few days is not a good combination for me!)

Yes thats exactly what I mean between the distinction! Letting me know what to expect and allowing me to make my own decisiOns is essential. TELLING me how I will feel. Or after the fact thinking I'm crazy for NOT being disturbed by something, will just piss me off and is the opposite of support.

I am thankful for people in my life that understand the difference. For people that truly trust my judgement and my awareness of myself. It is definitely empowering.

Yes, there's a big difference between someone giving supportive consideration and someone imposing/projecting a controlling expectation. I think the only solution to the latter is to be brutally honest with the offending person. With any luck, that type of response will prompt he/she to change their approach going forward. If I sense someone about to cross my boundaries verbally, often I'll ask them to stop to think of what they are about to say and if it tells me how I will or should feel, please don't say it.

Anthem: controlling would piss me off too. I agree with everyone else who as said it is patronizing and that one has to simply believe in ones right to decide for oneself what one needs and be assertive about it. At the same time, I also think Heptet is onto something when she pointed out that it might actually be a little too "real" for some people to watch a pretend TV show knowing that someone who's seen the real thing is in the room.

Taking care of others is a great way to emotionally distance oneself and cut off any reflection on oneself.

A while back when a DA was considering reopening the case against the person suspected of raping me, she asked me how I'd feel if she didn't win the case. To her credit she was concerned about reopening old wounds. Also to her credit she listened when I explained that to me it was a net gain.

At the same time, the interaction was, I think, a good illustration of how outward expressions of concern can reflect more complicated issues that are raised when the full complex reality of a survivor is met face to face.

One of the things I said to address her concerns about my falling apart if she lost the case was "What I want to see is best effort to get this man off the street. I know that best efforts do not guarantee success. If they did, there would be no case to try because I would have never been raped." It was clear she had never made the connection between losing a case despite doing "everything right" and a rape victims best efforts to fight off a rapist until I pointed it out. What was even more interesting is that the conversation switched from a discussion of me to a discussion of her beliefs about the chances a prosecutor had to succeed given best efforts. She also shifted from downplaying to upplaying her chances of success. I read this as her not much the idea of a world where best efforts can fail. Rape/violent crime survivors are a double edge sword: we are symbols of survival in the worst human circumstances but we are also proof that bad things happen to good hard working people who were just trying to do the right thing.

So in my experience there are two parts to handling "glass house" responses. First, of course, there s the problem of figuring out a polite, non-defensive way to assert "this is what I need and it is is really my responsibility not yours to make these sorts of decisions." But polite assertive responses can fall on deaf ears if the real issue is that "protector" is in fact protecting themselves not us.

Anthem: controlling would piss me off too. I agree with everyone else who as said it is patronizing and that one has to simply believe in ones right to decide for oneself what one needs and be assertive about it. At the same time, I also think Heptet is onto something when she pointed out that it might actually be a little too "real" for some people to watch a pretend TV show knowing that someone who's seen the real thing is in the room.

Taking care of others is a great way to emotionally distance oneself and cut off any reflection on oneself.

A while back when a DA was considering reopening the case against the person suspected of raping me, she asked me how I'd feel if she didn't win the case. To her credit she was concerned about reopening old wounds. Also to her credit she listened when I explained that to me it was a net gain.

At the same time, the interaction was, I think, a good illustration of how outward expressions of concern can reflect more complicated issues that are raised when the full complex reality of a survivor is met face to face.

One of the things I said to address her concerns about my falling apart if she lost the case was "What I want to see is best effort to get this man off the street. I know that best efforts do not guarantee success. If they did, there would be no case to try because I would have never been raped." It was clear she had never made the connection between losing a case despite doing "everything right" and a rape victims best efforts to fight off a rapist until I pointed it out. What was even more interesting is that the conversation switched from a discussion of me to a discussion of her beliefs about the chances a prosecutor had to succeed given best efforts. She also shifted from downplaying to upplaying her chances of success. I read this as her not much liking the idea of a world where best efforts can fail. Rape/violent crime survivors are a double edge sword: we are symbols of survival in the worst human circumstances but we are also proof that bad things happen to good hard working people who were just trying to do the right thing.

So in my experience there are two parts to handling "glass house" responses. First, of course, there s the problem of figuring out a polite, non-defensive way to assert "this is what I need and it is is really my responsibility not yours to make these sorts of decisions." But polite assertive responses can fall on deaf ears if the real issue is that "protector" is in fact protecting themselves not us.

I'm not sure of a good way to deal with the issue of self protectiveness other than to be aware it might be a factor. Some people like this DA are mature enough to step back and refocus on themselves Others not so.

Agreed. The people who can't realize that their "concern" is self serving and patronizing and instead insist and truly believe they are being caring and thoughtful. I'm not sure how to handle that. Even though I told those people watching the movie more than a half dozen times not to pause it on my behalf because their actions were not benefitting they insisted that I needed to go away. I came very close to walking out of the house entirely and leaving. And a couple months later I left the position for that reason and a long list of other grievances. But that's not always an option.

I have days when I can't handle even the hint of rape/sa in a show or book. Other days, I'm fine. I guess my point is that my family and friends have learned to ask where I am on any given day before exposing me to material. To this day, I have people who will go to movies or rent them and watch them if they her me say I'd like to see it. They'll "screen" it for me then tell me, in general, what the content is. They then allow me to decide for myself whether or not I can handle seeing it. The same goes with books to an extent, but they know I can put it down if it bothers me. The main point is they let ME decide what materials I'm exposed to and respect my decisions. Maybe you just need to talk to folks and let them know where you're at.