I'm not sure I really experience that. I am grateful that my partner tells me whenever he knows rape/sa is going to be involved in a storyline. I don't feel like it is restrictive because what it does is allows me to make an informed choice about whether I want to watch/read that thing today.

Not long into our relationship we watched Pulp Fiction and I had only heard good reviews so wanted to see what the fuss was about. I have never heard about the graphic male rape scene. It was horrible and it triggered me. I would much rather him tell me every time even if it is just the hint of - he does tell me.."hey, there's this bit where it hints at rape but nothing happens and then the bad character dies really horrifically anyway" - we've been watching game of thrones and Spartacus...to explain that sentence lol

Sometimes knowing the rapist or whatever gets revenged upon in a horrific manner actually does make it easier to watch.

I honestly don't believe there is any shame in being vulnerable, so I don't really see the harm in others being considerate. I'm not in a place of needing to prove that I can handle everything - but then again, I am very focussed on trying to get to a place of admitting when I need help.

No one really shields me from much of anything where TV or movies are concerned.

I think I explained this in a really crappy way because I was flustered and frustrated. I was having a conversation with someone today about Dexter. They had never seen it or heard about it, but know a lot about me and my story. We watched the first episode together as afterwards this person was "disturbed" that I would enjoy a tv show whose main character is a sociopath because my kidnapper was a sociopath. My response was, "well he also had long brown hair, was overweight, smoked cigarettes..." and I rattled off a few other attributes about him too. But not all sociopaths are my kidnapper and I know there are sociopaths who interact and fit very well into society without hurting others.

I guess I was frustrated that it was more of the expectation that I SHOULD dislike the show or SHOULD be triggered. Rather than it just being a cool show because it's a cool show. There is plenty that does bother me. But I think the whole informed choice part that heptet mentioned is pretty implied when I introduced the person to the show. So obviously I enjoy the show.

Maybe that makes more sense? I'm all for informed choice and healthy support. And this friend provides that definitely. It was more the anticipation of that it SHOULD bother me. Maybe because it bothered them??

Ah okay. Yes that would really annoy me. I have had people look at me like I am a freak for reading certain books etc. "why are you reading about other people's trauma? Haven't you suffered enough and struggle enough with your own depression without reading some depressive material." - pretty much interchangeable with any thing; blogs, films, message boards, activities even therapy!

I think the thing about watching a programme together is that as a survivor we feel possibly a little self conscious knowing there is someone waiting for a meltdown point but they are watching the programme looking for any danger signs. My partner is supportive but he still raises an eyebrow sometimes - particularly when a film bothers me and I then express wanting to buy it. But, what they don't see is that this material is SUPPOSED to be emotive. It's not supposed to be mindless. Rape, torture are horrific things and if we weren't so exposed to them as a culture, we would all cringe, cry etc.

Thanks for the clarification.

I put these sorts of things in the 'going to China' categories. I suspect I have all sorts of incorrect ideas about how the average person in China lives and spends their day. If I went to China for six months I might come back with very different ideas but all of my friends would still have the old nutty ideas.

As survivors we've lived through life experiences that most people can't even imagine in their wildest dreams. So they ask dumb questions.

I view it as more of plus that they care to ask even though I find some of the responses annoying. The one that used to always get to me was "so do you hate men now?" . Me: Um no. The rape had nothing to do with what real men do.

If you can figure out a way to ask the other person to share their reactions without sounding like a fish, that sounds like a good strategy to respond. Sometimes people try to "understand" what they don't understand by guessing how they personally would respond and then projecting it onto another person. They mean well, but when they miss the mark, it isn't comfortable.

If I'm not all that interested in a deep conversation with that person (either as listener or talker) then I sometimes just say something non-committal like this: people have all sorts of reactions when they live though such an experience. Some people do respond as you expect by wanting to avoid anything that reminds them of what happened, but not all. Then I give a few examples to illustrate the variety of ways people deal with horrible experiences: going from the wacky (funny, artistic) to the serious to the heroic. I think getting people to understand that there isn't just one way to respond to and process experiences of horrific violence and evil is important.

Plus, art is healing; whether that be through watching dexter or reading poems or listening to someone sing about their survivor experience. Plenty of times I have moved forward in my healing because the empathy I felt for a fictional survivor helped me to direct compassion to myself. I watch the movie trust because it really allows me to connect to my younger self.

I have read pretty graphic books about crime. I don't read them so much now but I used to devour them. (partially because it was too scary to go to sleep not knowing the main character was safe, partly because they were so well written). Sometimes escaping to a similar but completely different "world" is fun.

I'm rambling..can you tell I've has 4 hours sleep? Lol

I didn't realize my family was shielding me recently from programs involving rape, rape jokes, etc. I just noticed a couple of days ago when my husband grabbed the remote and changed the station when Tosh was on. I have always loved watching him until recently. Hubbie actually changed it as he was making a joke about a woman who was stoned and said something to the effect of her being raped by 5 smurfs. I have read the post written about him on here.

For the most part, I don't really listen to the t.v. these days, I am reading and writing so much, my head is in a different world. I like that the hubbie is that considerate, because depending on my mood, it might send me upstairs for a short nap.

Heptet, I read a lot of the same types of stuff you do too. Not to make myself suffer anymore, it seems therapautic in a way to me. Mostly I read all of the books hubbie and I have ordered online to be more informed. He does the same thing.

I have always liked Dexter, I think it's funny. I haven't been around enough people yet to be in a situation where they can see a response from me about much. So I can see how that irritated you Anthem.

I love dexter. I think it's an amazing show. And there are other shows too.

I haven't seen the girl with the dragon tattoo yet but when I was working with a family as a caregiver for their autistic daughter they were watching the movie and actually refused to let me be in the same room as them while they watched it. It wasn't a suggestion it was a demand. To make themselves feel more comfortable I'd think. I was honestly offended by that as well.

Rent it, I watched it before I was raped and was on the edge of my seat. It's intense, but not that bad. I would watch it again and not be bothered by it.

It's considerate I think that people are trying to protect you, you just have to let them know what you can handle and what you can't. Easier said than done. I can be oblivious sometimes to what's on the t.v. and for the most part none of it bothers me, unless there are jokes that are just freaking rude and mean. It all depends on the situation for me.

I agree too. The consideration can be kind. But when it is in self interest and the statement, "really it's fine" gains a response from the parents "no you need to go upstairs" my ears blow steam lol

My partner is considerate without being ridiculous. He has his moments of the wrong choice, as everyone does. But he's still learning, as am I. I am glad that I met my partner when I did because he never saw the crisis state I used to be in. So it has been easier for him to just follow my lead in where I am now.

I am not sure how to address myself to people when they are adamant about knowing my "needs" and they actually completely wrong, over analyzing, and treating me like a glass house. Any ideas?

I have surprisingly become quite vocal over the past two months since my rape, but with niceness. I don't like confrontation at all right now. My advice would be to say what's on your mind, but just watch your words so as to not offend people either. I think we all need as much support and friendship as possible right now. You could kindly let people know that you understand your own boundaries and that you can make decisions for yourself. Thank them for their concern, but stand up for yourself! Be sure to thank them, I do believe these people are just trying to protect you, but you know your own limits, just be safe with them. Did that help at all?

I don't like the suggestion that someone else knows my limits better than I do. I appreciate warnings, people trying to be sensitive and protective, etc., but if someone would forbid me to do something "for my own good", that would seem controlling to me. And, depending on who it was, and my mindset at the moment, that could be more upsetting to me than whatever they are trying to shield me from.

I don't either, but my husband does know my limits right now from speaking with him. So I appreciate the awareness, I do not like that Anthem has people making decisions for her and telling her to leave a room, etc. Just trying to be subtle with the advice, I am still new here, but it doesn't take away from my life experiences either. I guess it's time to write another journal.

Good luck to you Anthem. I agree with you StehtFest!

Ive never had someone tell me I could watch a film; it's incredibly patronising. Children are told what they can't watch if an adult deems it age inappropriate so that they are not exposed to swear words ad sexual content before they would be learning about them etc.

Youve already been raped; what exactly is there left to be shielded from? I would have to make a comment about how I am sure it would make them feel more comfortable to not have an actual rape survivor in the room reminding them that rape is more than an afternoon's juicy entertainment but I would actually like to watch that.

I agree with all of you and trust me I was not passive or silent about their stupidity. I'm far from the clam up and walk away type. I was using it as an example to explain more what I meant by glass house. There is a far difference between expectation and consideration. And too often the person masks it as a consideration when really its extremely rude and inappropriate.

Hence my rant about how I hate being treated like a glass house. That's all it was I guess was a rant. It just gets frustrating.