Hi Grace,

I am not sure how active this Rebuilding Marriage board is...

I can tell you that it could take years until you feel better about him, trust him fully, and feel good about the marriage again. It won't happen in just a few months time. And especially with all the details of the affair (from your previous post). The way the other woman was, and contacting your family, and about his work, etc. It sounded like a huge mess!!! Not like a one time, drunken one night stand with a stranger he would never see again. His affair was way more complex and secretive and went on much longer.

Are you sure he has No Contact with her, none at all??

Being patient is all you can do. It will take time, and I am talking YEARS to get past this and be anywhere near "normal" again. This is why they say most divorces are over infidelity or money problems. Infidelity is so very hard to come back from.

Yes, go to individual therapy. That can only help.

Please know that you are more than "good enough"!!! This affair had nothing to do with you. It was all about him and his choices and his weaknesses. You have nothing to do with ANY of this, I assure you.

I think we have to examine our own feelings and acknowledge how we feel and why we feel. I usually suggest people write this down on paper. If you can't name your feelings, then get a list of feeling words from the internet and go down the list and write any that resonate. I suspect many women decide to forgive and forget, stuff their own feelings down, to save the marriage. I believe this only turns into later psychological suffering or even physical suffering. This is going to sound harsh, but when our partner has an affair, they are seeking sex from someone else so it is often that we are not enough for them. But don't beat yourself up saying you are not good enough. His affair is on him. He is at fault. You could be the worst wife in the world and it still is not right to stray. Divorce the worst wife if it is so bad, but to have outside sexual affairs is not ethical or moral. So some of what you might be saying has to be acknowledged as "reality" but not about your lack of anything. It is his reality, his character issue. I hope this makes sense. I just wonder if your mind is telling you to acknowledge reality and how you feel instead of stuffing it or going along and being the forgiving wife. You may or may not be able to accept that he betrayed you. But first you have to get really clear about your own feelings and why you feel how you feel. I think the thinking that we were not good enough for the straying spouse is actually truth -- but that is not truth about our value and worth. It is about the low character or issues that our spouse has - not about us. You do not have to suck it up and play the good wife who always forgives and forgets. You get to feel how you feel, betrayed, angry, humiliated, demeaned, and on and on.

Hi GirlinCalif,

Yes he definitely has no contact with her. He changed his phone number, I have access to his phones, email. Also the OW moved to another state mid last year.

Thank you for your kind, encouraging words. That’s the difficult part about healing from betrayal - no one really knows how long it takes to heal because it’s really different for everyone. I just don’t really like the person I’ve become, I used to be really happy, jolly, always giggling, smiling type of person - that’s just not me anymore.

I shall look into IC this weekend.

You already received great advice, Grace, but I wanted to add my thoughts:

1) Recovering from an affair is the same as grieving: It is not the same for everyone, and it is NOT linear. You will have times when you are sad or mad or scared and times that you're okay, and times when you see true joy - and then start all over with the sad or mad or scared again. It takes time to heal, and the process can be messy.

2) Individual counseling is a great chance to work through some of your stuff on your timeline. Be concise when explaining your needs to your IC, though. IC can conflict with marriage building since it's a more self-centered approach. Many people go to IC while in MC so they can find the nerve to stop MC and leave their partner, so be clear with your counselor about what you hope to gain.

3) I miss you, miss Grace!! Sorry I haven't been around lately. My educational experience has been rough on me these last two months.

To everyone else: The holidays can be rough - especially for those of us who are (or who have) rebuilt. I just passed the anniversary of my DDAY, and even more than a decade later, there's a little bit of sore scar tissue on that particular day. Be gentle on yourselves, practice good self-care, and lean on your support network as needed. ❤

Hi Urbangardener,

I haven’t forgiven my husband and definitely have not forgotten what he did. I truly love him that’s why I want to save the marriage. Although sometimes I question myself why do I love him, he was not a great husband nor a great father. He was selfish/self centered. He’s put us difficult financial situation in the past and I helped him get out of it.

He said she made him feel wanted/desired - which I admit we both stopped paying attention to each other a while ago.

I don’t know, I think I’m still trying to sort my feelings out. He’s been great, really really great. He helps out with the house work now, spends more time with me and our son. He prioritizes me and our son now before himself (when I say himself: before he would spend all his free time on gym/playing basketball. I would beg him to spend time with me/son but he just won’t do it).

I think the reason I feel how I feel: having a hard time moving forward that the A happened - is because I took on a promotion to help him/our family get out of a difficult financial situation he put us in. This promotion means I will work longer hours - all the while still doing all of the housework. During that time he had his affair, I was the one keeping the family afloat. He was living off my pay, which of course I didn’t mind because we’re family. But it hurts me so deeply to think that he would have spent the money I earned on her when they would go on dates. I was also very hurt when I found out he would pick her up, drop her off when they would go on their dates. Yet he refused to drop me off or pick me up from work because he either wanted to sleep in, go to the gym or play basketball.

Now this all has changed, H doesn’t go to the gym or play basketball as much anymore to spend more time with me. He also helps with the cooking and the cleaning. He also drops me off and pick me up from work on his days off. He really has been amazing. But sometimes I wonder is it too late? Or I’m just deeply hurt because at one point he was treating her better than me.

Hi Allora!!

Thank you for always always always reminding me that going backwards and forwards with the healing process is completely normal.

Lately I have been feeling doubtful if staying was the right decision. I spoke with H last night and told him how I’ve been feeling. His response was “he’ll do everything, what ever it takes, just stay with him”. And I kind of just melted.

Thank you for your thoughts about IC. I’ll keep that in mind.

I’ve missed you too!!! I hope your studies and family are going well. Thank you for being around here even though you don’t really need to anymore.

I truly hope we will all have a great time during this holiday season with our family and loved ones. ❤️

So grace any update?