Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
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Our 18th anniversary is coming up on the 7th. Huz isn't very skilled with planning these types of things and I find myself frustrated and hopeless and even impatient. Last year, I planned and executedy own birthday celebration so he wouldn't drop the ball and leave me crushed. This year, I planned but asked him to execute my birthday celebration, so he's getting a little better.
Since it's OUR anniversary and not MY birthday, I want him to weigh in. He keeps saying things like, "Anything is fine," and "Whatever you want." This feels so divested to me. When I have expressed a need for him to be equal partner in planning our celebration, he will tell me he is planning - then he will regurgitate everything I just suggested.
This is how things spiral downhill for us. I plan and invest and make and do and he sits back and reaps the rewards. Then I feel bitter and resentful because he hasn't put anything into the relationship, so I just stop. So with neither of us working on things, we quickly head down the "living separate lives" path. I know this hasn't happened (yet) and I know I'm hyper sensitive about this with all that's happened, but I feel it's a legitimate worry.
I'm seeking advice, but I don't really know what I'm asking.
I want him to know that investing quality time together (particularly on significant dates, like our anniversary) is important to me (and I feel to our relationship) and I want him to be a part of the planning and execution of our time together. Either he doesn't want to and truly doesn't care, or I'm not leaving room for him to be able to or not making clear my wishes. I can't figure out how to fix this.
The best I can compare this to for a "dude perspective" is a wife just laying there during sex and a husband saying, "What do you want/like?" And her saying "Whatever you want/like." He wants her to be excited and invested in the lovemaking but she gives no signal or input that she is interested other than being a warm body and showing up. Very frustrating, right?
Since it's OUR anniversary and not MY birthday, I want him to weigh in. He keeps saying things like, "Anything is fine," and "Whatever you want." This feels so divested to me. When I have expressed a need for him to be equal partner in planning our celebration, he will tell me he is planning - then he will regurgitate everything I just suggested.
This is how things spiral downhill for us. I plan and invest and make and do and he sits back and reaps the rewards. Then I feel bitter and resentful because he hasn't put anything into the relationship, so I just stop. So with neither of us working on things, we quickly head down the "living separate lives" path. I know this hasn't happened (yet) and I know I'm hyper sensitive about this with all that's happened, but I feel it's a legitimate worry.
I'm seeking advice, but I don't really know what I'm asking.
I want him to know that investing quality time together (particularly on significant dates, like our anniversary) is important to me (and I feel to our relationship) and I want him to be a part of the planning and execution of our time together. Either he doesn't want to and truly doesn't care, or I'm not leaving room for him to be able to or not making clear my wishes. I can't figure out how to fix this.
The best I can compare this to for a "dude perspective" is a wife just laying there during sex and a husband saying, "What do you want/like?" And her saying "Whatever you want/like." He wants her to be excited and invested in the lovemaking but she gives no signal or input that she is interested other than being a warm body and showing up. Very frustrating, right?
Still no plans. I sent a list of suggestions that we had come up with - some his, some mine - via email (I do much better keeping judgements/emotions out of it via text/email) and told him, "It would make me happy to discuss these options and make a decision together," which lead to a brief discussion after he came home from work one night, but no conclusion. To be fair, he was tired, so I let it go. When there was no further discussion or email response, I sent a follow up email: "Maybe I'm approaching this at the wrong angle or overwhelming you. What do you want or hope to get out of our anniversary date? What type/style date would be most fun to you?" No response verbally or via email.
I'm trying not to get in my head. I'm also trying to allow room for him to do this in his way - or to not. Something that came up in discussions was how he feels like whatever he's going to do is wrong and how I don't let him fail - I jump in and take over before he's even had a chance. So. I'm giving him a chance. I'm just sitting back and waiting for things to happen and offering positive (only!) comments when/if he asks my opinion.
We'll see if that goes better. Worst case scenario, we don't plan anything. Part of me is crushed by this, but another part of me knows it's only a single day and a single event. I'm trying to just keep to the mindset that if we don't plan or do anything, I can always take charge and plan something for the weekend after since going out and celebrating is important to me. So long as I don't get snotty, "Well, *I* planned something since you didn't," - it should be an enjoyable time out.
And who knows? Maybe today (he has the day off) he'll feel more up to planning something.
I swear. We're the most dysfunctional functioning couple ever.
At 4:30pm he came to me with, "Uh. I guess. Since I work on our anniversary. I suppose. I mean. I guess we could do something tonight."
I beat my "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" comment into submission. I smiled and said, "OK. It's 4:30. It'll take me at least an hour to get ready... I'll be honest, I may need an hour and a half depending on where you think we'll go..." He time checked. He then told me which restaurant he wanted to hit. My Negative Nelly tried to creep out, but I locked her in one of my mental closets and said, "Sounds nice. What time are reservations so I can make sure I am ready in time?" (This place is def a "reservations only" place.) He blanched.
I think at that point we were both about to give up. He bemoaned his usual, "I can't do anything right!"
I won't lie. My inclination was to go pout and just do nothing. Instead, I said, "You know, that wasn't even an option on the list we came up with. Let's review the list we had and see which of those options might be viable?"
So, we started sifting through the list. Most were too late to even attempt or not valid on our actual anniversary (Monday.) I am ashamed to admit that my Negative Nelly called out from the closet, "This is sort of why I asked you awhile ago about plans..." I know, I know. Bad habits are hard to break. I immediately stopped myself and instead said, "Thankfully, LOTS of options are still available on our list. I'm glad we came up with lots of different types of things to do!"
Which wasn't *entirely* true, but there were options still available. He frantically and randomly stabbed at one that he brought up. I said, "We could do that... but... I know for a fact it's not someplace you enjoy. I LOVE you for wanting to go to please me - but for that very reason I don't want to go. I want to go somewhere we both are excited to go. I want to make you happy the way you make me happy."
THAT was apparently the right phrase. It was like the shades flew up, sunshine filled the room, birds sang, and trumpets blared. Suddenly, he was determined and interested and excited about ... *gasp* planning.
It took more grinding, but we finally picked a little wine bar for dinner ON our anniversary - for after he gets off work, and as a big celebration thing instead of gifts, we're going for a "spa day" tomorrow. Sort of funny, I guess he didn't even really read the email I sent with the compiled list of choices because he said, "I didn't even think about going to get massages. I've been wanting to go, anyway."
Yay for enthusiasm and stuff we both want to do. Triple yay for off season, last minute internet specials on spa services. :)
As frustrating as this was, I'm glad we have opportunities to figure out negotiation and problem solving over FUN stuff and not always over the "hard" stuff (finances, child rearing, electronics... heheh). I know that continued practice will make us better at this sort of thing and we both definitely learned from this experience.
So thank you all for the suggestions and advice - and for letting me spin my mental wheels here, since that's how I process stuff.