Tell him your frustration on this exactly and clearly. Especially that illustration at the end. I think an illustration like that my actually help him "get it."

Thanks, Gabrielle. Definitely helped. I took him out to lunch (pleasant conditions) and we chatted a bit and I explained the above. His response made me a little sad. "I don't want to mess up. I just want to make you happy and I feel like I will just screw everything up if I plan anything."

I told him some of our best adventures were when one or the other of us did something dumb (like when I had the directions set for walking instead of driving while I was navigating him to a restaurant we'd never been to...) and he laughed.

It was a good discussion and he did offer up some nice suggestions for things to do.

I'm glad he heard you. I was going to suggest what gabbi said. We all fall into the loss of communication read my mind phase. Unfortunately men need to have things spelled out for them.

The only thing I would like to add, having studies individual differences and having used tools such as the Myers Briggs personality assessment, is to guard against your tendency to interpret his differences as his being "disinvested". There are some genuine personality differences that translate into some people being really good planners and some people being better followers, etc. It may not be because he does not love your, want a great celebration, or not be willing to put a lot of energy into it. He just may not be a creative planner, and might just be a better executor?

It seems to be a familiar scenario throughout most of the stories i see, my self included. I think in the end the people who cheat often are takers who attach to givers. For years, prior to her affair, I wondered if i stopped being the one who made the compromises, stopped being the one constantly working on the relationship, would she rise and take the reigns, so to speak? Nope, I decided to test this theory and within a few short months she was well into her first affair and several others soon followed. sad, but i have found we need to reflect on ourselves and decide that we can't always be the givers, regardless of what follows. In the long run, we will be better off.

You are spot on - goingtobeok.

Although there are times my husband is divested in things that are important to me, just as often it is my inclination to get impatient/frustrated as it is his lack of interest that causes him to shut down. We're so different in our processes. I'm quick to speak, whereas he is quick to act. I take a long, methodical road to decision making whereas he just jumps on instinct. I grind my feelings to dust and he brushes his aside.

In some ways, this is what makes us work. When we're not butting heads, we're a great team.

He's not a good planner when it comes to dates nor is he very good at execution. Even when I plan something out and hold his hand and lead him through the steps, he fumbles through them. Just not his comfort zone, I think? He's also never really had to practice. Before we met, girls chased him and they all wanted him so badly, they never made him work for it. The one girl who did was a high school girlfriend who insisted he take her to prom. Right after him paying for and going through the hassle (in his mind) of prom, she dumped him. In his mind, it was a lesson in, "Why bother?"

Soooootired: I often worry/wonder about this. I feel like I'm constantly working working working on the relationship and he's just taking taking taking. At many points in our life, this has absolutely been the case, but in the last two years - definitely not. The problem that I find now is that often I don't see the efforts he makes because they aren't what I need/want. I am really good at conveying my FEELINGS but I'm a mess when it comes to identifying and conveying my needs. I'm trying. It's better than it was before, but definitely I am no pro.

I guess what I'm saying is that opening the dialog by saying: I feel sad and frustrated wasn't really effective. Telling him, "I want you to help plan our anniversary" was only moderately effective. Telling him I need him to enjoy the process of planning and executing our anniversary date and asking what I could do to make that happen was moderately more successful (especially using the sex metaphor) but - still not 100%.

We'll get better at this. We just need more practice. :)

He sounds like in Myers Briggs terms he is a P (perceiver) and your a J (judger).

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/judging-or-perceiving.asp

This is one difference that can drive some people nuts, but that really does compliment the other nicely.

There are some knock off versions of the test on line you can take. Google "keirsey personality style" and look for a free one the two of you can take, and then you can play around with your type on line.

Heh. Interestingly: most of the tests I've taken say I'm INFP though I think I'm probably more INFJ. I suspect my husband is ENTJ but almost ESTJ, but I've never been able to get him to take the test.

He does not sound J to me from what you describe -- unless he is just J like at home with you and more organize and much more of a planner elsewhere in life.

To me the benefit is sometimes understanding what is a key difference and what we should truly be offended about, if that makes sense. At work we need all combinations of people because truly it is a larger team, whereas a marital unit is just a 2 person team, thus there are less differences to fill in the gaps.

What I have seen with tests like this is typically people will be in sync on a couple dimensions, and different on some of the others. The ones where they are different typically related to what they will say when asked, what attracted you to so and so -- but will also relate to what drives them nuts about their spouses.


Here is an example of what I sometimes see:

I was really attracted to how outdoing he was (extraversion)! My life became more active and full of people after we started dating (says the introverted wife). But what drives me crazy is that he always wants to be out around other people and he seems to really energize when others are around! Why can't he have that same energy when it is just the tow of us!

My husband and I read the Love Languages book and helped us understand more how to "talk" each other's love language. When you speak different langauges, it's hard to be on the same page. If you haven't read the book, I advise that you do.

Good luck!

Does he plan ANYTHING? What type of work does he do? At some point during the day/week/month, we make thousands of decisions. Is he into sports? What I have found is that people have time to do what they want to do. Sometimes it is frustrating. I understand. Some nights when we are out, my CS will ask about where to eat, where we can hear some music, etc. I think about his affair when he never had a problem finding where to take his GF out to eat or dance, but with me, he acts stupid and inept.
I don't celebrate birthdays anymore. CS spent his birthday and OW birthday with each other. I don't acknowledge birthdays anymore, so i don't "plan" events for us.
Last question. Does he want to celebrate HIS birthday? Does he expect you to put a party together for his special day or does he not care? Some people really don't care about those things. He may be one of them. I know its a big deal to you, but maybe not him. Some guys can sit in front of the tv for hours on sunday and watch sports while Wife or GF could care less. Maybe your guy is that way about holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. He just doesn't care. Read LOVE Languages. It will help you define your needs. Hopefully you can get him to read it also. Good luck! I hope that he will learn how to please you!

I have read Love Languages many years ago after my chiropractor (or all people??) recommended it. My husband has never read (at least in full) any relationship books. I did manage to get him to read a couple of chapters in Love Busters, once, but that was it.

My husband has to be a planner at work. He is /always/ in charge of situatuons and circumstances with only very rare exceptions. He is not a team player, though. He is a "sit down, shut up, and do what I say" guy. This does not translate well at home, but is essential at work. Since he doesn't really make co-decisions at work, he doesn't like to at home. He just wants to do what he wants to do or he wants to just go along for the ride. In many (most) ways, he is a totally different person at work than at home.

He is not into sports. He's not into holidays (birthdays or otherwise) - he was a military brat and his family just didn't have the same solid traditions mine did. My parents were shocked that his family hadn't planned a 21st birthday for him (we were about to be married) and started to plan one which caused his family to put something together last minute out of guilt. His mom and sister were the only ones there from his side - all the other guests were my family (aunts, uncle, cousins, grandparents, siblings...). It's not that he doesn't care or enjoy such celebrations, just that it doesn't occur to him to even do anything. He has always said he loves the big holiday events I've planned - but he seems so out of his element, too.

"Santa comes when, again?" Yes. He really did ask me that, once.

"His Needs, Her Needs" is another good one like Love Languages for mutually evaluating how each of you perceive actions that say, "I love you."

But this also reminded me of the book, "Why Mars and Venus Collide." It may help if you phrase it in a way that makes him able to "fix" making you happy. Guys like to feel like they've fixed something, and are successful at making you happy. So when you start off by saying " I feel sad and frustrated," you are saying to him, "You have failed to make me happy." This results in the fight or flight syndrome for most men. Either get angry or pull back and withdraw, the exact opposite of what you want.

Instead, you might phrase it more like, "You'd make me so happy to feel you want to invest in planning our anniversary."

I'm more of an introvert, but also very "phlegmatic." So it is easy for me to say, "whatever," or "I don't care." My mom used to get frustrated when I said that. "Do you want an egg of pancakes." "I don't care. Whichever." And for a long time in our marriage, I preferred to not take too much charge of things or help a lot in large part because I feared I wouldn't do it to her specs and fail. So it was easier just to stay out of it. If I washed dishes, I didn't do it right, or didn't put them up in the right spots. She would openly disagree with me in front of the kids on discipline. So I learned to avoid disciplining the kids much, and relegated to being there for mostly play. And sometimes, I was criticized for not being there to do those things. So a no win situation.

Since dday, I've become more involved in things, and when she ask my opinion on things, I try to give one. Even on things that I think, "Why would she care what I think about that? I'm not wearing it." Like the other day she asked me which color of underwear she should wear. I told her what I would so. Wear the one that was most comfortable. It's not like anyone, including me, is going to see it much, since she usually wears pants. And yes, she was getting dressed for the day, before anyone asks. ;)

I surprised her the other day, though. She laid out two dress/top combos she could wear and wanted to know which one I thought she should wear. Guys hate this kind of thing, as a rule. I never ask anyone what I should wear, as a rule. I usually don't care what others think, as long as it works for me. And she'd look good in either of them. Neither was ugly. But I had an idea. I told her, "How about if you take that top from that combo and the jumper from this combo, and put them together. I think they would work."

She thought it was a good idea. She tried it, and sort of liked it. Then she went to ask my son. He said it looked weird. She took it off. I could take that as having failed. But I know that wasn't the case. She didn't ask me so she would know what to wear, but to involve me in the process. I was involved. Even though she didn't chose my option, I succeeded in making her happy because I responded with something more than, "Either one works for me."

But I'll admit, this is not "natural" for me. But over time, I'm getting better, because I know she needs it.

Honestly - he might see party planning as your strength and is content to let you run with it. And you also seem very opinionated (in a good way) so its easier to go with the flow.

Is there an area in your marriage/home where he steps up and takes care of something that you don't? In our house its home repair. I can do some minor things, but H is more adept at solving the problem quickly so I just step back and let him handle it.

Here's an example that seems to relate.

"What do you want for breakfast?"

My daughter: I want an egg cooked in the small pan so it looks like a moon shape and two pancakes done in the toaster and not the microwave with the syrup from Trader Joe's. And I want it on the blue plate with green flowers and the fork with the weird bend in it. Also some milk in the Bugs Bunny glass filled up to his nose so it looks like he's swimming.

Her cousin: I don't care. (and she really doesn't)