We are coming up on nearly a year since full discovery. My hdon't nd has done everything then I asked and more. He willingly submits to full GPS tracking, is completely open with his phone, and regularly does things to show his love for me. He does not really go out without me, but has gone to a sports bar a couple of times with his friend.he knows I still don't trust him.this really only becomes a heated issue after he has been drinking.
Before his lies, I believed in his love and him completely, unconditionally. Now I don't believe in unconditional love except for our children. But I do love him and I am completely in love with how he loves me.
But this all only works when we live in the bubble where he never does anything without me. Although, he drives all over town for his job, finishing early most days. So it is not like he goes to an office and home each day.
I remember having overwhelming sadness in the beginning because I knew I needed him to stay within this very tight framework for me to even breathe the same air as him...I could not picture him meeting this need of mine. It would mean him almost giving up himself. And I know he has always been a very independent and selfish person. He has claimed he could do this forever, but he is realizing he can't. He is unhappy and gets very belligerent if we have been drinking.
I am failing at rebuilding. I do believe he loves me, but I don't trust him. Why?
When he drinks, he is a different person. He drinks with his friends away from me and comes home less happy. When he drinks with me, he becomes angry easily and frequently dismisses me rudely.
I had said he could not be with his friends because they knew about and one even assisted in his affair, but recently have given in with his best friend who was not supportive of the affair, but knew.
I don't know how to get beyond this. I literally still have nauseous panic attacks if something is a bit off between us and feel kike I am just waiting for him to start lying to me again. All the while knowing I am probably pushing him to it. But I don't know how to feel safe, how to feel like this isn't temporary. How to believe that what he does isn't fake. Again, this is why I was so upset early on. I somehow knew I could only go this far and it would not be enough for him. That, despite his seemingly undying commitment and true remorse, I really don't have the capacity to give him the kind if trusting love he is so desperate to have fron me again.
I don't know if counseling will help, or just us talking openly about it more....or if I should just let him go. Who could live in this prison I've created with no hope of reprieve? I'm just killing him slowly.