Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
We are coming up on nearly a year since full discovery. My hdon't nd has done everything then I asked and more. He willingly submits to full GPS tracking, is completely open with his phone, and regularly does things to show his love for me. He does not really go out without me, but has gone to a sports bar a couple of times with his friend.he knows I still don't trust him.this really only becomes a heated issue after he has been drinking.
Before his lies, I believed in his love and him completely, unconditionally. Now I don't believe in unconditional love except for our children. But I do love him and I am completely in love with how he loves me.
But this all only works when we live in the bubble where he never does anything without me. Although, he drives all over town for his job, finishing early most days. So it is not like he goes to an office and home each day.
I remember having overwhelming sadness in the beginning because I knew I needed him to stay within this very tight framework for me to even breathe the same air as him...I could not picture him meeting this need of mine. It would mean him almost giving up himself. And I know he has always been a very independent and selfish person. He has claimed he could do this forever, but he is realizing he can't. He is unhappy and gets very belligerent if we have been drinking.
I am failing at rebuilding. I do believe he loves me, but I don't trust him. Why?
When he drinks, he is a different person. He drinks with his friends away from me and comes home less happy. When he drinks with me, he becomes angry easily and frequently dismisses me rudely.
I had said he could not be with his friends because they knew about and one even assisted in his affair, but recently have given in with his best friend who was not supportive of the affair, but knew.
I don't know how to get beyond this. I literally still have nauseous panic attacks if something is a bit off between us and feel kike I am just waiting for him to start lying to me again. All the while knowing I am probably pushing him to it. But I don't know how to feel safe, how to feel like this isn't temporary. How to believe that what he does isn't fake. Again, this is why I was so upset early on. I somehow knew I could only go this far and it would not be enough for him. That, despite his seemingly undying commitment and true remorse, I really don't have the capacity to give him the kind if trusting love he is so desperate to have fron me again.
I don't know if counseling will help, or just us talking openly about it more....or if I should just let him go. Who could live in this prison I've created with no hope of reprieve? I'm just killing him slowly.
Before his lies, I believed in his love and him completely, unconditionally. Now I don't believe in unconditional love except for our children. But I do love him and I am completely in love with how he loves me.
But this all only works when we live in the bubble where he never does anything without me. Although, he drives all over town for his job, finishing early most days. So it is not like he goes to an office and home each day.
I remember having overwhelming sadness in the beginning because I knew I needed him to stay within this very tight framework for me to even breathe the same air as him...I could not picture him meeting this need of mine. It would mean him almost giving up himself. And I know he has always been a very independent and selfish person. He has claimed he could do this forever, but he is realizing he can't. He is unhappy and gets very belligerent if we have been drinking.
I am failing at rebuilding. I do believe he loves me, but I don't trust him. Why?
When he drinks, he is a different person. He drinks with his friends away from me and comes home less happy. When he drinks with me, he becomes angry easily and frequently dismisses me rudely.
I had said he could not be with his friends because they knew about and one even assisted in his affair, but recently have given in with his best friend who was not supportive of the affair, but knew.
I don't know how to get beyond this. I literally still have nauseous panic attacks if something is a bit off between us and feel kike I am just waiting for him to start lying to me again. All the while knowing I am probably pushing him to it. But I don't know how to feel safe, how to feel like this isn't temporary. How to believe that what he does isn't fake. Again, this is why I was so upset early on. I somehow knew I could only go this far and it would not be enough for him. That, despite his seemingly undying commitment and true remorse, I really don't have the capacity to give him the kind if trusting love he is so desperate to have fron me again.
I don't know if counseling will help, or just us talking openly about it more....or if I should just let him go. Who could live in this prison I've created with no hope of reprieve? I'm just killing him slowly.
might do it in a private message though
too many judgementalists ;-) on the boards recently for my comfort
let me only ask - DDay was August 2012, so full disclosure must have been almost half a year later, was it voluntary or you discovered more by investigating yourself?, what was happening between DDay and full discovery?
As long as your husband does ANYTHING triggering, it sort of masks all the good stuff he does. For example, until my husband switched from graveyard shift to day shift, I kept teeter tottering back and forth between being OK and being miserable. I didn't even realize for the longest time that it was his shift that was causing me such anxiety, I thought it was just him going to work. And let's face it, it's not like he could just NOT work. We had to play with a lot of different things before we got that one right.
It sounds - and I could be very wrong - like your husband's drinking is not just effecting his behavior, but also yours. I know it's not the end all, fix all, but maybe agree to stop drinking. (Both of you... cos why not? It's not like you need to drink to live.) I know, easier said than done, but it's an idea to sort of roll around in your heads and discuss together. Maybe try it on a trial basis and see where it goes.
No one can live their whole life waiting for the other shoe to drop. It'll literally make you sick (life threateningly ill, even) to live like that forever. You can't change your reaction, but you (plural) can change your behaviors. It's just hard to examine which ones are causing the issues. It may take baby stepping your way blindly through trial and error to figure it out.
I wouldn't give up just yet. (I know, I know... right? This coming from me when I've been so freaking miserable... sigh) but I truly think that with a little adjusting, just a couple degrees this direction or that, you can figure out what's causing you distress and then work backward from there to figure out how to deal with it.
Soooo ... my unsolicited advice is that you need to work on letting go of the reigns a little and he needs to work on understanding why this is scary for you. Its a leap of faith. I think you WILL have that undying, trusting love for him again if he treats you well and is kind, loving and trustworthy. It took awhile to destroy the trust and it might take twice that long to rebuild it.
Have you guys gone through counseling yet? We did really well for the first 18 months or so and then hit a wall because we were back to dealing with the same issues that should have been addressed pre-A. We dealt with them and were able to get over that hump.
Sending you tons of support ~
So I recognized his struggle and succumbed to him hanging with men who don't respect me or the sanctity of a marriage or women. He know exactly how I feel about this, but states he makes his own decisions and it is not like they hol any power over him. However, he drinks like a fish and shares all his unhappiness about all he does and how he gets nothing back from me. Last time, his friends encouraged him to get divorced because he would be so much happier because they are now that they are divorced. He expressed unequivocally that he cannot live without me.
All this only comes up when he drinks. He has a drink or two to avoid eating, but I told him,"Whatever reason you use to have that first drink, you keep drinking because you are unhappy." (He had weight loss surgery and lost 150# about 4 years ago)
We had our 17th wedding anniversary this weekend and it was perfect...until the last hour because he couldn't stop drinking.Apologies in the morning, of course, but I'm worn out. I actually have severe anxiety anticipating our evenings out because they end this way more than not.
I know he isbunhappy
I wonder if going to something like Al-Anon would be helpful?
jay, we went through all kinds of stuff where he blamed me for our problems and inability to trust him again, finally ending up in my filing for divorce mid Nov 2012. We reconciled just before our court date in Jan. Then, after him acting like a crazy drunk and spending time away, in mid March 2013 I found the Facebook and yahoo claccohnts and found out they NEVER stopped seeing each other. He completely came clean and begged me for a small 1% chance that I might love him again. We have come back together, but I know when he is holding back from me. Something is seriously up.
You deserve better. His drinking is enabling his poor choices. Feel free to message me if you want to talk in more detail.
Other than that exactly what Isitjustme said.
And I agree that Al-Anon meetings for you and AA meetings for him would be a great idea.
And every time he drinks, I bristle because he tends to keep drinking and it goes bad.
So it seems to erase all the good he has worked so hard to build with me. I feel us getting closer to his awareness, then he does it again. He wasn't going to drink at all last night at our Super Bowl party, but then ended up having at least 4 shots. He stopped because party was over, but if it had been a typical evening till 12/1, he'd have been gone. I had one glass of beer a friend brought just to try it and a 1/2 glass of wine.
I am grateful we ended the evening on a positive note, but still bothered because he was buzzed enough to be passing out in bed by 930.
I really don't have a problem with drinking IF he stays kind to me, meets his obligations, does not drive, and does not do it more than once a week. But I am not ok with daily drinking. I think these are reasonable boundaries.
But I think the fact that I feel I need to set boundaries is the answer to all my questions.
My H said the same thing. "I don't drink when i'm angry, i don't drink every night". Which both were true. He claimed for years he didn't have a problem. He also turned it on me, that if HE had a problem, so did I. If his drinking causes problems with your relationship (alcoholic or not) it needs to be addressed & something has to change. What needs to be changed is up to you both.
I was so fed up dealing with his excessive drinking while going through 2 pregnancies (me being sober helped put a real perspective on his drinking). Once he got the DUI (just prior to dday), i had enough. Then his A was icing on the cake.
Let me tell you, it took about a year of sobriety for him to realize how much of a negative affect his drinking had on him. He stayed sober at first because it was essentially an ultimatum. He has since made it his own preference not to drink.
It is tough on our social life, much of our social life has changed because he doesn't drink. I miss my drinking buddy... But over all it's worth every moment.
You need to decide what you are willing to put up with & draw a line in the sand. It's not about him being an alcoholic or not- or if he meets certain criteria. It's the fact that his drinking affects you & your relationship negatively.
I am sure it would have been nowhere near as effective had it come from you.
Perhaps our joined witch power on this thread got to him :-). I would love to use it on me!
I hope it goes well for the 2of you and he stays strong in his conviction. It definitely can be done
Yes, I suspect we all have untapped powers when we work together!
ONE WEEK and counting...
I know it's hard to move around all the hurt, but it really does warm my heart that he came to YOU. That really does mean he's invested.