Hi Morgan! How are you today? I'm sorry he was so cold to you yesterday. Sometimes I wonder what goes through there head when they act this way. G was my rock too!! EVERYONE who knows was so stunned that this happened. I am still stunned at times. It's so hard to believe that the man I know did this and acted so cruelly towards me.

We separated about a year and a half ago for what was a planned 3-6 months and ended up one! The turn around was quick and amazing. His heart changed. We still have issues but they are handled better most of the time now. Good luck.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

Erin - if my friends knew, they literally wouldn't believe it. He is the husband they are all always jealous of, "the good guy" - they always tell me how lucky I am. And I thought that too. Every year on my birthday when it was time to make a wish, I would always say, "I'm such a lucky girl, I am so blessed, I can't think of anything important that I don't already have". Not feeling so lucky these days!! Should have made a bday wish for "faithful husband".

Hey Morgan: Laughed a bit at the "faithful husband" comment-- - sorry! I used to feel the exact same way. I wish our H's knew how much we loved them before they did this. G said he thought I stopped loving him. Crazy to think that he ever felt that way. Although not an excuse I can see now that I was certainly not showing him how much I loved him. I did take him for granted and that I do regret. I feel the same way about our friends. My best friend is the only one who knows-she was literally stunned and had NO IDEA what to say because she admired our relationship and us as a couple. If our close friends here knew neither of us are sure how they would take it. Most of our friends are divorced and remarried because there first spouse cheated on them. :)

Erin - you and I have alot in common! My husband said the same thing "he didnt think I loved him/liked him anymore" - but I wasnt taking him for granted - I was trying to be close to him - we were in therapy together all thru his A! My best friend and my sister are the only ones that know and they were both SHOCKED to say the least.

I sometimes feel REALLY bad about "lying" to my friends - even though it's a lie of omission, I still feel un-autherntic with my close friends.

I wonder if they really felt they weren't loved or they just wanted to feel that "In Love" and "admiration" that they felt we lost for them. The funny part I realized is that is not real feelings. I love G more now than I ever did at the beginning and I was deep deep deep over the moon in love. We both were. Somehow some people believe that there is ONE perfect relationship and if it requires work than it must not have been right. It sounds like your H was one of those people. I think mine was too!
I'm sorry for that :)
I know you feel bad about it, true blue good friends will stick by you and accept your decision to stay with him. They might actually be proud of you for all the work you are doing. I feel the same way about our friends too! I don't feel as close to them and it is ackward being around them sometimes because of that. BUMMER

Erin - Yes, my husband picked a girl that was younger, that worshipped him, looked up to him, flattered him and hung on his every word. They worked together and she thought their A was going to help her get ahead at the company. He says he loved feeling like she looked to him for everything - that he had all the right answers. What a load.

I can only imagine how intoxicating the sex was - 20 years younger, willing to do anything to please him, I'm sure thats why it went on for months and months.

I remember what that "new love" thing felt like -- but it was so long ago for me! I've been with him for 12 years. What does it feel like after you've committed to one person "for the rest of your life" and then all of a sudden you get to taste forbidden fruit??

Thats one of the things I find most puzzling about infidelity - I feel like I honestly WOULD NOT ENJOY SEX if I was breaking my precious marriage vows to do it. I swear - Brad Pitt could be standing in front of me naked and I wouldnt do it! I feel sick even thinking about it!

People are just built differently I guess. It doesnt mean that I'm a saint and he's the devil, I just would never, could never cheat.

Morgan: It is a load-sad but true! 20 years younger is gross to me. It's like me dating a 9 year old who thinks I'm cool! Maybe that's why it went on for months or maybe because she looked up to him that it was harder to end it. Almost like he was responsible for her life/wellbeing. It makes no sense to me why a guy would feel that way but G did with his A. Lucky for me I am the younger, hotter trophy wife who does anything to please during sex-I'm just not the I need you or I'll die person that he needed to make himself feel loved, needed, wanted-well at least at the time.
I feel the same way about infidelity now. Before his A I would fanatsize about the cute guy I saw at the grocery store or the hot guy from TV but it NEVER went beyond that and even that grosses me out now.
I agree it doesn't make you a saint, but it certainly makes you trustworthy and that goes much farther in this world than being perfect!!
How are you by the way??

Erin - Yes, she did the typical OW thing..."I have no one to take care of me", "I'm all alone on my birthday...all alone on christmas" - all of that. I'm sure she was all alone - because who wants to be friends with a slutty girl completely devoid of character or ethics??

I am doing ok, I had to let H come hoime because I got really sick (double pneumonia) and I had to have him help out with the kids. So...I am trying my best but it is hard. How interesting that both my shrink and my doctor think I got so sick because my immune system is supressed from the months and months of stress and lack of sleep!

It's a good lesson to all of us here in the pain zone - you have to figure out a way to still take good care of your body -- or it may turn on you - like mine! My doctor said some people develop serious auto immune diseases after a long period of stress in their lives.

How is everything with you?

I feel the same, I have not told anyone about what my H has done either. Yet he is not living here. Everyone probably believes it is something that I have done to him! He refuses to have an accountability partner...even to open up to anyone at church. If he were serious about US...then he would come clean and quit covering up his dirty deeds.

My H had an affair with his slutty ex. This woman is famous here for sleeping with everyone's husbands...never had a real man herself...only sleeping with someone to get what she wants and a roof over her head and a drink or drugs or anything. She lives in nasty parts of town and drives horrible vehicles and is such a skanky person I can't believe it. However, these types of women can play men to get what they want. MONEY...Step above prostitution in my book.

Then my H - put that ad in adult friend finders looking for couples - no wonder he won't open up to anyone...he doesn't want anyone to know his dirty little secrets. Yet he is supposedly a Christian now BUT he would rather have everyone think I WAS THE ONE WHO CAUSED THE MARRIAGE TO END AND I AM THE REASON HE IS NOT LIVING WITH US. Can you figure that one out. What a hypocrite. Well he can only cover his sins for so long.....they will be discovered and he will be in for the ride of his life so it would be in his best interest to let everyone know NOW rather than lie to EVERYBODY. I tell you people are avoiding me like the plague. IF anyone asks me I will tell the truth. I will NOT lie. I will NOT lie like he does like he has for 7 years. I will NOT lie. I have no idea the lies he has told everyone either.

I have lost my entire family by staying with him. I am just starting to get them back.

I have been sick also. I wonder how long it will take to get out of this funk. I hate this feeling. I really do. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be angry, sad, sick, devoid of all feeling, like life has no color in it any longer. Total despair. I wish I could just snap out of it. Honestly no man is worth all of this. He definitely isn't it. He did not value me so why am I giving him all of this????? Why do we do this to ourselves????

Kelly -

I am so sorry for your pain - I certainly know how it feels. I ask myself that same question that you posed all the time - Why stay with him? I think I have made peace with my version of the answer -- which is -- I am in a period of watching, listening and learning.

When I ask myself, "Am I ready to end this today? To file for divorce and move to that stage?" The answer is no.

Although to be honest, I feel myself moving closer to the idea that we may not end up together -- but I am still on the emotional roller coaster -- who knows how I will feel in a month.

I don't think I would stay forever -- but one of the hardest things has been for me to realize that we might be able to heal this - just not on the time schedule that I would like -- and because I have three small children, I feel compelled to turn over every single rock before giving up.

I will be honest, there are some days, alot of days, where I feel like an idiot for having stayed this long. For continuing to love someone who has devastated me.

But there are some other days, far fewer days, where I feel proud at my strength to endure this and still be a good mom, get my work done, etc.

And there are also moments when I see the heart break in his eyes, when I can see that the pain of what he has done is unbearable for him, and he says things to me like "I would have rather died than have caused you this pain" - and I believe him. He acted selfishly and in service only of his own ego. He threw the kids and I under the bus. But he does genuinely regret it and wants to try and right the wrongs.

He says he is convinced we can end up with a better marriage when we come out the other side of this tunnel. Who knows?

Morgan, that's great if he says that then have you asked him why he doesn't try harder? You know he has guilt but you have the hurt and you are still trying. He can't give into the guilt and not try harder. He it the one who has to try the hardest he is the one who ran it into the ditch not you.

I do know how you feel, my H is the same way when it comes to the relationship...I am the one who has to work at it all the time. So I guess that is why he blames me for the affair and whatever...his addictiions...which I don't buy into...it is wrong choices that he made. My H should have come to me first. Rather than now desperately trying to hold onto any shred even a text from me.

As for you, I am not saying to throw in the towel, do something to light a fire under him. He is depressed. He needs help if the other woman is really out of the picture. Your feelings are raw right now and you need tender loving care, not a baffoon who walks over you when you are crying. Maybe he really did think the dishes were overwhelming, who knows so he thought by doing them that helped you, but you have been trying talk to to him for a while about showing just a bit more effort, that you mean more to him. He isn't understanding how you truly feel. They just don't get it.

I don't think that we can be indirect with these guys. We need to point blank tell them what we need from them. They don't read our signals, they don't get our hints, they don't understand our feelings they don't see what they have caused. We need to TELL them. Maybe with your husband that is what you need to do. You need to be completely honest with yourself and with him and decide what you need from him and then let him know it. Do it with love. I know marriage can get past this, I know it can if both want it to and are serious about doing the work it takes. It won't be easy on either one, and both of you have to know that, MY H seems to think I should be over it now and I just found out on 7/27 that he cheated for the whole marriage! So my H has unrealistic expectations. He has no patience. He thinks I am supposed to just be happy and worship him...right my whole entire marriage was a lie and I am just supposed to forget that???

If you can communicate honestly and openly and work on these things and get through it then it will be better, you will get past it, but if you bottle it all up it will not make it past any of this at all.

I know what you mean about thinking about being an idiot for even wanting to stay...it is a total roller coaster of emotions, isn't it? One minute your are mad, the next sad, the next you can't live without him, the next you dont' want to look at him....etc.

I am still flabbergasted at these guys and how little they think of their families, their wives and their kids and how they can just throw them all away like that just for their own selfish needs!

I dont' get it.

But Morgan, hang in there, hopefully yours has learned his lesson and will grow in his capacity to love and nurture you and cherish you as he should have always been doing.

He will get over his guilt and be your rock again.

Kelly

Kelly -

You make so many good points - I really appreciate it. The roller coaster of emotions is one of the hardest parts to deal with! On any given day, I am wanting to have sex with him, wanting to strangle him, wanting to grow old with him, or wanting to go find someone new to love who didn't slice me up into tiny pieces!


I will never understand the "I never stopped loving you" - makes no sense at all to me!

He has been trying - he admots he needs to do more - just hasnt gotten there yet - so we will see.

I think if he could stop focusing on his shame -- maybe he could put some energy out to me -- which would be nice!

Well maybe you need to just tell him... Get over yourself you you...I don't know what...but get over the gosh darn shame...you caused me to feel this way so you fix it! You have the power to do so just DO IT.
Like the Nike commercials - just do it. Don't wait for the shame to go away because I doubt it will. Just like you, suppose if you were to wait for your hurt and betrayed feeling to go away BEFORE you decided if you wanted to work on the marriage. Can you imagine how long that would be? Come on. He needs to step up to the plate and fix this mess he caused. Maybe he needs to come here to this board and read about what these others husbands are doing to fix the marriages they crashed by their affiars and the lengths they are going to make their wives feel loved, the hoops they are jumping, the amount of endless energy they are putting into it because THEY LOVE THEIR WIVES AND DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THEIR FAMILIES. They work through their shame just as the wives work through their betrayal. It is a two way street even if it is not fair. But if you want to make the marriage work life isn't fair.
life sucks sometimes doesn't it?

I believe it was you who told me to go get The Shack after I found out about my husband's affair (before the swinging stuff I discovered). I did buy it the end of July, however, I didn't have the energy to read it. I just finished reading it last night, I started it yesterday and could not put it down. THANK YOU THANK YOU it was wonderful and I was able to go back to church this morning. The message seemed to be for me this morning. I am coming to grips with all of this, and understanding that God didn't cause it, but there is a greater purpose in all of this that I do not understand, but like Roman's 8:28 says...he will work it out for good for those called according to his purpose. That book was a Godsend for me. I am going to reread it. A life defining moment for me. Changed my way of thinking back to the way I should have been all along...Thank you! For some reason I was stuck and could not go to church, could not pray, and didn't understand, I think at some deep level I blamed God for this.. I blamed him for not warning me, for not stopping it for not getting me out of this a long time ago, for allowing me to waste 7 years of my life on this man who cheated and deceived me for so long. I didn't understand how I could do everything right, follow God, be such a good person, go to church and have God do this to me. That book opened my eyes, although I still don't fully understand...he couldn have stopped it and gotten me out, there are things we will never, ever know, not until....but I am not ready to leave this place yet. I have 3 children who need me. I have a purpose I need to discover and so do you!