I've felt that way many many times. Have even mentioned it to G many times. Only the two of you have control of what it will lead to. I would suggest taking a break in terms of space apart as opposed to a seperation. Even if you have to take a breather away from eachother. A weekend getaway on your own or a week with family can make a world of difference in helping you rejuvanate! :)
If you need anything let me know!!

We have been so stuck - despite endless hours of counseling. I just couldnt take it anymore.

I thought when I came home from my week away with the kids, thinking that things would be different -- that he would have missed us, that he would be more open, less angry, make more of an effort -- but it was all just the same.

He needs to change alot of things and Im just convinced its not going to happen with us living together - depsite all the counseling -- he doesnt make it a priority - he deals with it third or fourth on his list. He makes a tiny effort, but just enough so he can say "he's making an effort". For example, comes home from work, eats dinner with me after the kids go to bed, watched baseball til the game is over, then usually around 1015pm will say "honey, how are YOU doing? I want to be here for you" - when he's already been home for three hours!!! Then god forbid I WANT to talk, he says, "I'm SO sorry, I'm just too tired to talk right now, let's talk in the morning". But then in the morning will go jump in the shower or race out the door or do whatever he has to to get out of it and NEVER CIRCLES BACK TO WHERE WE WERE. The onus is always on me to be working on the relationship. I just can't take it anymore.

It just goes on like that day and day. And the MC tells him NOT to do that, not to ignore me, not to leave me feeling abandonded, that any effort on his part is better than none. BUT HE JUST DOESNT DO IT.

I associate his lack of effort with not really loving me - and I'm alrady feeling pretty unloved because had a long and very intense sexual and emotional affair while we were living together with our three kids - and in counseling!

So...he's gone. I asked him to leave and he left. Didn't put up any kind of a fuss about it. For all I know, he's going to stay with her. When did this become my life!!!!?!?!?!

the only break I took was when he was on crack and I decided to check into the shelter for a few days...he snapped then, but it was also after d-day maybe about 4 months I was about 5 months pregnant. He didn't leave whenever i asked him he said I'm not leaving this is my home and you aren't leaving this is your home...so he has asked for a divorce when he couldn't take me throwing the past in his face. thats been a while now. He won't leave me he's too afraid I'm going to get revenge on him...After that happened a yr later i went back into the workforce....since make my own money he knows I'll support myself and he knows I won't wait on him to love me...I don't know how to explain it...I love him so I'm trying to work it out here with him, and i know he cares about me...I still don't understand, but I know he definitely loves the babies.

Hey Morgan:
I'm so sorry sweety!! When did you ask him to leave? Today? It sounds like you have done everything you can put into this marriage but you can't "make" him do his part. This is a two way street-my H thinks your H should be doing all the work. You can't make decisions for him you can only do what is best for you and you children.

Sorry to hear that he left today.....
I kicked my husband out right after d-day and we were separated for almost 6 months.At first I was convinced the marriage was over and filed for divorce...but he kept contacting me and slowly we began to reconnect...first just going to church together (a first for us!)..then for breakfast afterward....then we started marriage counseling....and then decided to reconcile and have him move back home. The separation was especially good for him... I think it gave him a real wake up call as to what his life would be like...
It may work out that way for your husband...even if he does start contacting the OW again... so few of those relationships ever turn into anything long term because they are truly just fantasies... so as soon as reality hits they break up...
Your husband may need that wake up call...

yes I asked him to leave...and he left. I know I secretly hoped that making him pack up would jar something in his brain and make him step up and take responsibility and be willing to do "whatever it takes" to heal our marriage.

But he's just wallowing in his shame about what he did - and doesnt have energy to put into us. Maybe someday. I guess maybe never. But when the therapists (I have one, he has one, we have one) have been saying all the same things FOR MONTHS and we arent getting anywhere -- I dont know what else to do? I guess I just feel hopeless.

I know he wants to make things right. He just cant or wont or doesnt want to put him out there for fear of getting hurt.

Funny if you think about it...he doesnt want to "risk" getting hurt by actually TRYING and possibly failing -- when he already pratcically KILLED me!?!

Not just the 9 month affair, the seven months since Dday have been more lies, staying in contact with OW and lying, lying about what happened but then me finding out the truth anyway. A real hell! (I know that alot of you must know just how it feels).

Is this the way you treat someone THAT YOU LOVE?!?! Okay, maybe the A is different, but AFTER Dday, SINCE February, AFTER he claimed to be "out of the fog" - whats the excuse for then???

I havent told the kids the truth - I just lied and said he had to go on a business trip. Its killing me everytime they say how much they miss Daddy...

Morgan: Can I ask how you found out about your H's affair and how you found out he was still in contact with her? (you do not have to answer I won't be offended.) I spoke to my H about your situation (I hope that was okay.) He said that there were times when he felt like working on things would be harder than he could handle or he felt too overwhelmed there we definitely times when he felt that he couldn't put the work in and during those times he was only doing what he HAD to do. In speaking to the OW after I found out it was hard to break it off just like that. He felt that he needed to be there for her during her own rough time and felt that he could handle still being there for her as a friend-but realized a month later that he wasn't putting 100% in our marriage if he was investing anything into her and also continuing to lead her on. I know that he was torn and confused. I think we are learning everyday what the right and wrong things to do are. I pray for the both of you especially your children. I know they miss him and I know you do too! Please still see your counselor. It will continue to help you and encourage him to do the same even if you aren't together.

Erin - I found out about his affair in Feb, but he lied and told me she was just a friend. I knew the truth because I had seen emails she had written to him.

So...for four months of HELL I tried to get him to tell me the truth (a truth I already knew) and he swore to me, lied to my face every day of our "recovery". When I couldnt take it anymore, I called the OW with him sitting there, and after she spoke the truth, he couldnt deny the sex anymore.

After four months of "recovery" - it felt alot like starting from scratch - at least the pain. I know, I know, I already knew the truth, but its different to hear it from another woman and then your H.

Then he kept lying to me and saying that he hadn't called her, would never call her, that the thought of her made him sick to his stomach, but calls to her kept showing up on his phone bills, at least a few that I could find on every bill and some texting.

Then I thought it was "really over" in June, only to find that he told her to get a new number!!! I called a new number that showed up on our bill that I hadn't seen before, and sure enough...it was her! I tried to kick him out that night - had him all packed up and ready to go - but then felt guilty about my kids and let him stay. In retrospect, he probably should have gone.

Continuing the lying sneaking and betrayal during our "recovery" was just more than I could take - and my anger and rage really escalated after I discovered the "new secret phone".

He swears now that its "really really really over" but how could I believe anything he says? He also still lies to me about facts about the affair, even though I HAVE ALL HIS EMAILS AND HE KNOWS I'VE READ THEM.

So...he knows I know the truth...but he still lies.

I went on vacation with the kids without him a few weeks ago - and I thought that missing us would turn him around - get him to stand up and fight for what he wants. But nope, he just ignores me and is silent and does whatever he can to avoid "talking about it". He is totally happy to play house and pretend like nothing is wrong, but not to acknowledge my hurt feelings.

I was so upset a few nights ago, I had laid down on the kitchen floor just sobbing, uncontrollably (the kids were in bed). He came into the kitchen, saw me there, saw how hard I was crying, and walked over to the sink to do the dishes. Didnt speak to me or come over to me or anything. I'm telling you, it was like getting doused with cold water. I thought "this man doesnt care about me at all".

It hasn't really been the same since then, just a downhill spiral - evern after therapy which usually gives us a little boost.

My six year old just cried and cried at bedtime, couldn't fall asleep because he "misses daddy so much". How do people get through these things??? It feels impossible right now.

Impossible to stay with him. Impossible to break up the family- and break the hearts of my children.

I feel right back to Dday "how could he do this to me?".......

Morgan: The difficulty of being a parent at this time and going through this grief is truly a miracle. There is a reason why we are considered strong people after an affair. I'm so sorry to hear about your 6 year old having a hard time with it. It amazes me how little regard the truly innocent ones are thrown aside by the unfaithful parent sometimes.
I couldn't say how he feels towards you but he certainly isn't acting loving towards you. I gave my H a choice. He either ended the relationship with her 100% without any contact/no more lies or I would leave-and proceed towards a divorce. That seemed to be his deciding factor too. I did find out that he had gotten her a phone on our account last fall and didn't know about it until I started looking at the phone bills at first G lied about it but within minutes he told me that he had gotten her a phone in his name so her H wouldn't find out she was in this. The lengths they take . . . for what??
Take really god care of yourself. The only person who can decide if this is worth the work is you. You WILL be okay. Life moves forward. Please remember how much you have done towards your recovery, it does count even now. Children are resilient. If they see you are okay and supportive of them. They will eventually be okay. G and I decided that if we were to split that we would do our absolute best to be there for eachother as parents and most importantly be there for our daughter. There is a website that has helped me A LOT www.beyondaffairs.com.
I hope it helps you . . .
BIG HUGS!!

Honey i understand. The lies that NEVER seem to end are exhausting. You are always 'waiting' for the NEXT lie to be discovered.

Now that he is gone, he will see what's its really like on the other side. Not always greener. He will soon discover that her charms will fade and he will come crawling back to you.

In the meantime, take care of you and your kids and go about your life as though it will be without him for good. I know that is difficult and you hope NOT the case, but he is being selfish and only thinking of himself. At some point, you,Steph will discover YOUR needs too.

You guys are so great - I really appreciate the support. I haven't told all my friends and family because I thought if we end up staying together that I would regret telling people. So...I have my sister, one girlfriend, my therapist - and DS!

I thought that maybe last night he would write me an email, trying to share his thoughts or feelings, try to "reach out" in some way...but he didn't. Myabe he would call the therapist and try and schedule to talk..but he didnt. Maybe he would send me flowers or a note or anything to let me know he was thinking about me...but he didnt.

He called the house this morning, I answered and Said "Hello", and he said, "Hi, is David there?" (our son). I was stunned! Yeah, I said, he's right here and passed the phone over. I called him back a half hour later and we had yet another of same ridiulous argument - Why does he show me no compassion? When I answered the phone why wouldn't he say "Honey, how are you - are you ok?" NOTHING.

Just like stepping over my sobbing body on the kitchen floor. I just feel like he doesnt care about me. He says he does but never acts that way. I can't help but feel like there is something else going on that I don't know about.

I just realized after I typed that -- how crazy I sound! If a man can step over you, sobbing on the kitchen floor - maybe you shouldn't be married to that man! If you separate, and you have a rough night facing the reality of it all, and he calls you in the morning AND IGNORES YOU, maybe you shouldn't be married to that man??

I think that he spent so many months painting me as the bad guy, saying bad things about me to her, thinking bad things about me to make continuing the affair ok, I think he just lost his love for me along the way....

Prior to the affair he had been my rock, my good guy, always there for me in every way, for over a decade. Literally, ALWAYS there for me - in a way that all my girlfriends were always jealous of and always made me feel like aprincess. Nothing too big or too small. How I miss that lovely feeling of being loved....

I am so sorry you're going through this. I cannot imagine how I would feel if my H stepped over me while I was sobbing on the floor. There has to be something more to the story, his indifference is shocking and makes me believe that he still has the other girl in the woodwork. If she is still in the picture after your phone call, allow me to be the first to call her a bitch.

In my situation, I kicked H out as soon as I found out. He lied to my face over and over, saying it was an emotional affair only, but after seeing his phone bills, I trapped him into a confession. Initially, I kicked him out thinking we'd get a divorce, but being separated may have actually helped us. We slowly started talking again and finally went on a "date" a couple of weeks ago. We're starting the courting process all over again. We also have two young children, one 5 year old who took it really hard because he "missed daddy" and "daddy is never home" but I told him that daddy had to sleep near school for a while. My H bought my son a cellphone and told my son that he could call him at any time whenever he was lonely. That helped a lot.

I do want to say that if you kick him out, you have to deal with feelings and uncertainty that he could be roaming around freely. That part drove me nuts. It's been about 2 months for us, and he's slowly coming over more and courting me all over again. He told me the separation has helped him fall in love with me all over again and realize what a shitbag he has been. It has also made me realize how much I care for him too. If we were under the same roof during all of this, the animosity would have been too much for us. Like you, people were always jealous of us, he was/is my rock and treated me like a princess. Being separated has allowed me to remember him as the person he was and I fell in love with, and not just his big mistake.

IT is the hardest thign to go thru when you have kids involved so young too. But erin is right children are resilient. And your children dont have to not see him only you. If theres some way for you to have him see your kids spend time with them and you can go spend time with yourself or friends or family. I threatened my H when I foudn out if ti happened again I would take his son away from him so he would hurt as bad as I do but its not really fair to our son, it kills me tho when he wants his daddy over me but they dont know....
Yes A break I wish I did, I think it would helped me think clearer on the situation. i still think I should of to this day. Doesnt mean it leads to divorce you guys are in control of what you want to do. Having my H near me in the same house when I was so angry and hurt just infuriated me everyday more. I told him in therapy that I think we should have seperated.
Please take care of yourself! I felt awful I had chills reading that you were crying on the floor and he just stepped around you...what the hell is that!!??

Oh Morgan, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I feel so bad for you and your family. Listen, your husband does not appreciate you and it was a heartless thing that he did to walk over you when you were crying. He did nothing to console you. Granted, most men don't know what to do when a woman is crying, but at least he could have hugged you for goodness sakes!! Maybe he has a hard time showing his feelings, I don't know, only he knows. You need to get yourself healed. He isn't doing anything to help the situation.

Maybe now that he is out of the house, you could start to work on yourself now. Your children will be ok. You can set up a visitation with their father. They will be ok. Really they will. Once they know they get to see their dad and they know you are working on things.

Then you need to come up with some boundaries for him. Hes either still seeing this woman, or he is overcome with guilt over what he has done that he cannot do anything else or he is just downright lazy. That is why he isn't working on the relationship. Whatever the reason...he needs help himself...individually.

Then you need to maybe find a new marriage counselor. If you have been in therapy for this long, and nothing is working, you might consider a new therapist. You might have found some improvment a tiny bit of hope at least. Perhaps the therapy isn't working. Sometimes they aren't a good fit. I dont' know.

I just want to help you. I feel your pain. My situation is similar. I can't live with mine. He has done so much, I have discovered so much, yet now he claims to love me and can't live without me and is texting and calling and showing up all the time now. He swears he is done with everything but I have heard that so many times. I can't trust mine. I can't. Mine refuses help...he won't do anything other than Church. He says God is all he needs. Well he had God when he was doing all the stuff the God says not to do.

Hang in there once you get over the initial shock of him out of the house, it will settle down and you and the kids will notice a huge relief. You really will.

You need to do something enjoyable for you and your kids. Something you really enjoy. You need to find some joy again.

Thank you all for your kind support.

I don't think he is still in contact with her - but how do we ever really know?

He has never been good at expressing his feelings - and he is literally, as the MC says "trapped in his ball fo shame". He can't seem to move to I-can-do-something-to-fix-this stage. He is stuck in the "I f'ed up, I'm a terrible person, how could I have done this to my family, I'm not this kind of person", all that. But he is also angry and when he acts angry toward me, I just can't take it at all. I dont have those deep resources that our relationship used to have.

It's all heart breaking because I feel like we could heal it if he would make a big effort - but he just keeps making a tiny effort - which just hurts me more.