DD was Dec 2014......   long journey for both of us

in Feb, i noticed that my FWW seemed to be down...tired all the time, fatigued, irritable....

she quit work at end of April so she could be w ours kids thru the summer. She said she felt she owed them to try to make up for all the time she ignored them during the affairs

she is constantly tired, doesn't eat right, her physical pain is coming back in her neck...

now, since she is on antibiotics for the SIBO intestinal infection, she has read that side effects of antibiotics is irritability, sleeplessness...etc...... yet one more thing to use to explain things away... its always something....its maddening.

earlier this week , she said she found some old journals she wrote in 2002 or so...and the things that she complained about and was depressed about, seem to be the same things she is depressed about NOW, 14 years later.....  only thing that was not on the list was being a mom..which she wrote about before getting pregnant..... sometimes i wonder if her problem is that nothing is every good enough the way it is, because she thinks its going to be some way other...and when reality hits, she is confronted by her expectation crumbling...thus sinking into depressing.... i honestly see the same patterns now that i did back in 2003...-2007 when we were doing all kind of stuff to conceive.   i also wonder if after the kids were born, she suffered from postpartum depression.  she did an EMDR session WEDS about guilt over ignoring kids during the time of affairs.... seeing herself at a park w the kids, ignoring them as she sits on a bench texting guys....she says she has so much guilt and shame about that, and when she thinks of it, she just feels like a worthless person. 

i honestly wonder, if her desire to being a stay at home mom and having kids, was never really what she wanted. that she only believed that , because she believed she had to be like her mother was.....  and having som many issues in trying to get pregnant....on top of her untreated adhd....and what i still believe to be depression... all blows up once the kids show up, and she is trapped and at some point realized, that this isn’t at all what she signed up for....and then....wham....

even this summer...she decides that taking the summer off to be w kids will be good for her.... i have my doubts, but i agree to it....and she is a mess...she can’t deal w the kids all day.....  she looks miserable when i come home....but the condition she has been in since feb or mar.... i doubt she’d be able to do any job.....  and i think “god damn it...THIS is what you asked for...you wanted this...you wanted the summer off WITH THE KIDS....and every day I come home, you look like you are ready to jump from a bridge

thur evening, 

i Came home

Kids playing

Where's mom

Upstairs

Don't bother her

Go up to change clothes

Come down

Make kids something to eat

She comes down in 30 min

Goes to get something to eat

Kids ask about dessert

She breaks into tears telling them to let her eat something in piece

This is my life lately

She yells

Or cries

Or says stuff like  "I can't stand it..i can't take it...i can't take the mess...i can't take the stress.... i don't have anytime for myself...etc...."

In tears she says

"I'm so sad , "

i ask her "why are you sad?"

she says ,  "Life is passing me by"

my IC and our MC both say that she spent the first 1.5 year post DD in trying to support my recovery....and she wasn't necessarily working on her baggage.....and now that i am doing better, its her time to work and confront her own issues....and given that, it is not uncommon for the FWS's health and mental state to take nose dive.

anyone experience something similar?