Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
DD was Dec 2014...... long journey for both of us
in Feb, i noticed that my FWW seemed to be down...tired all the time, fatigued, irritable....
she quit work at end of April so she could be w ours kids thru the summer. She said she felt she owed them to try to make up for all the time she ignored them during the affairs
she is constantly tired, doesn't eat right, her physical pain is coming back in her neck...
now, since she is on antibiotics for the SIBO intestinal infection, she has read that side effects of antibiotics is irritability, sleeplessness...etc...... yet one more thing to use to explain things away... its always something....its maddening.
earlier this week , she said she found some old journals she wrote in 2002 or so...and the things that she complained about and was depressed about, seem to be the same things she is depressed about NOW, 14 years later..... only thing that was not on the list was being a mom..which she wrote about before getting pregnant..... sometimes i wonder if her problem is that nothing is every good enough the way it is, because she thinks its going to be some way other...and when reality hits, she is confronted by her expectation crumbling...thus sinking into depressing.... i honestly see the same patterns now that i did back in 2003...-2007 when we were doing all kind of stuff to conceive. i also wonder if after the kids were born, she suffered from postpartum depression. she did an EMDR session WEDS about guilt over ignoring kids during the time of affairs.... seeing herself at a park w the kids, ignoring them as she sits on a bench texting guys....she says she has so much guilt and shame about that, and when she thinks of it, she just feels like a worthless person.
i honestly wonder, if her desire to being a stay at home mom and having kids, was never really what she wanted. that she only believed that , because she believed she had to be like her mother was..... and having som many issues in trying to get pregnant....on top of her untreated adhd....and what i still believe to be depression... all blows up once the kids show up, and she is trapped and at some point realized, that this isn’t at all what she signed up for....and then....wham....
even this summer...she decides that taking the summer off to be w kids will be good for her.... i have my doubts, but i agree to it....and she is a mess...she can’t deal w the kids all day..... she looks miserable when i come home....but the condition she has been in since feb or mar.... i doubt she’d be able to do any job..... and i think “god damn it...THIS is what you asked for...you wanted this...you wanted the summer off WITH THE KIDS....and every day I come home, you look like you are ready to jump from a bridge
thur evening,
i Came home
Kids playing
Where's mom
Upstairs
Don't bother her
Go up to change clothes
Come down
Make kids something to eat
She comes down in 30 min
Goes to get something to eat
Kids ask about dessert
She breaks into tears telling them to let her eat something in piece
This is my life lately
She yells
Or cries
Or says stuff like "I can't stand it..i can't take it...i can't take the mess...i can't take the stress.... i don't have anytime for myself...etc...."
In tears she says
"I'm so sad , "
i ask her "why are you sad?"
she says , "Life is passing me by"
my IC and our MC both say that she spent the first 1.5 year post DD in trying to support my recovery....and she wasn't necessarily working on her baggage.....and now that i am doing better, its her time to work and confront her own issues....and given that, it is not uncommon for the FWS's health and mental state to take nose dive.
anyone experience something similar?
Your wife may need antidepressants. Sitting at home being pecked to death my your offspring sucks... Made me depressed when I was younger too.
She says "she is bored".
I gently asked "if our kids said they were bored, what would you tell them?" (trying to get her to think thru logically about her statement
she took it as an attack, and said back "thanks a lot for validating me!"
i told her "i can't do this anymore" and left for church. on the drive, i was having a lot of anger, frustration and anxiety. I decided that when i came home, i'd tell we need to talk.
I told her that her mood and mental, emotional and physical health has been steadily plummeting since Feb of this year. And that i see classic signs of depression. Possibly BiPolar.
I see her statements of
"im bored, im lonely, there is no one to take care of me, there is no one to save me, i need more adventure, life is passing me buy.."
as ecos of exactly what was going on before she started into a series of affairs in 2013.
the difference is NOW, i see the signs, and I call her on them...
I asked if she would consider going to the local Psychiatric Evaluation Center, and see if can be evaluated for depression, bipolar, possible borderline personality, by a MD psychiatrist
We finally get the eval interview w a Pscyh MD. shewas pretty stoic at first, matter of fact, but i would augment her statements. it seemed like she was trying to keep up her defenses, but when they came down, they crashed.
very tearful, very honest
the MD agreed that she is experience classic symptoms of depression. couldn't fully diag bipolar as the ups and downs weren't often enough for BP.
end result, we have a eval at the Intensive Outpatient Center for her this WEDS. I will go with her.
She did get angry about "i don't want to have to do more things , i am already overwhelmed now" when the time commitment came up
the IOP is only one option.
other option is weekly CBT sessions, and weekly psychiatric sessions.
she finally said "i don't want to spend more time away from kids, but if i don't do this, even when i am with the kids, i won't be with them, will I?"
i told her that I was proud of her decision to go the DEC with me, and that she was being very brave.
She cried and said "i wish we would have come here years ago...."
on the drive down to the eval, in tears,she said
"I've been waiting for someone to save me. In a million years, I never thought it would turn out to be you, to be the one to save me"
wow
Come home
she is Relatively sad and tired looking wife cooking dinner
No smile
Not much acknowledgement of me
Asked her if she took her adderall today
No
Asked if she took antibiotic for SIBO (intestinal issue)
No
Are you done w the antibiotic?
No but I'm not going to take it anymore
Ok , so you called the naturalpath to tell him about side effects?
No. I didn't have anytime
( for a phone call????)
Eating dinner she starts to worry about lack of time to prepare for cabin trip next week
What do we need
It's furnished w utensils
We just need clothes and food
She says she hasn't had time to THINK about food
I take out a notepad and write down bfast lunch dinner snacks for the week
It's going to get worse before it gets better
Then regarding weds IOP eval
I get this text at 5pm on MON at work
"I'm ok going by myself on weds and dropping kids off w you. That would be easiest. "
I reply
"We are in this together
We don't do easiest anymore
We do what's best now
I'm going w u"
No reply
Nothing when I came home
She's running out to store for Rx and craft fabrics for stuff to see ripped rain flap for tent which we don't need to use for 3 weeks
here is a Text I got when she was out
"I know what my antidote is!!! Freedom to tool around by myself and linger and not be rushed and not think about the details of family things constantly. "
Then when she came home her mood was way different
Lighter
Laughing w our son
And sitting outside after kids are down, she said
"My antidote Is freedom"
The list of utterances from her over these weeks
Freedom
Adventure
Bored
it strikes me, as all the things that must have been brewing before she started into the affairs.
i don't think i really fully grasp what the term means though
She says
Please don't contradict me today at the IOP eval this afternoon
?????
How did I contradict you
When they asked at the DEC Sunday how much I smoke I said 5 a day and you said no it's more like half a pack
????
Really? That's her focus?
She said please don't speak for me let me tell my story
I asked did I speak for you Sunday at the ER Psych eval
No
Then why are you even worrying about me speaking for you if you have no previous example
She said I used the word "exactly" when describing her state now vs summer 2013
She said it's not EXACTLY the same
It's SIMILAR
Wow
Talk about losing site of the big picture and getting lost in the minutiae
I said I don't think you appreciate the severity of this situation
She got mad
Started to cry
Said please give me a little credit for the work she's done so far
It's like everything I say
She feels attacked
says she is really pissed that the evening IOP slot will interfere with her enjoying time in the woods with her new wholesome best friend, someone who renews and encourages and supports her spirit and who is not available to hang with very often.
she says she is also pissed that this upheaval is messing with her guts and her sleep especially when she needs mental and emotional energy to think, plan, organize stuff for our week away.
Mc and EMDR agree that amanda needs the IOP sooner than later
now...since she still have the SIBO thing, and took herself off the antibiotic, she called the natural path and he said there is a herbal treatment but it will take a month instead of 2 weeks and she would need the on a restricted diet.
she talked to EMDR guy and he gave her list of diet to increase serotonin, but it is like SBIO restriction but even more restricted
so last night, her focus was
"IM PISSED that I'm a foodie and like exotic food, but now have to do this incredibly restricted diet which doesn't include the things l like to eat"
argh!!
seems like things went smooth last evening. she seems more relaxed after we decided to cancel a weekend tenting trip . i checked in w her thru out the day to see how she was doing. she seemed fine.
she said IOP evening is a womens group, and then she met w the psychiatrist afterwards. psych asked about ssris but amanda told doc the she’d prefer to see how the IOP works. we talked about that last night as i think ssri could only help and expedite things. s
he said that she talked in group about anxiety but said she didn’t want to bring up infidelity in the women’s group in case one of the women was a victim of an other women.... baby steps