Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
My H went to see our counselor yesterday. I didn't go, he had some stuff he wanted to talk to her about. He has been struggling with wondering if my anger at times means that I haven't really forgiven him. I have tried to tell him that it doesn't mean that. My anger is based in my pain, and I am only human, and lash out at times.
She basically told him the same thing, I guess using different words or something, but he was able to understand. We talked a bit last night about that, and made another wobbly couple of steps forward.
He also wanted to talk to her about the question of whether or not we should tell our kids, especially our sons. They are all married now and live in another state. They were all out of the house when the A happened and though they know we've had some problems, they don't know the full extent. My H has felt that perhaps I needed them to know in order for me to really heal. You see, I did some really stupid things, and have felt like the kids must think I'm crazy or something. They never out right asked me why I overdosed in November of 2006, but was a result of how bad things were here at home and how desperate I was.
So I've been making a pro & con list. And you know what? There is only one thing on the pro side. Me...feeling somehow avenged. You see, my H came through this pretty much unscathed. Since no one knows, and I forgave him and we're moving on, he hasn't paid much of a price beyond his guilt. (which has been considerable)
On the con side...4 kids with a damaged view of their father. 3 DIL's with damaged respect for him. 3 marriages that might be damaged by the realization that a loving husband of 27 years can stray. (they need to protect their marriages, but there are better ways for us to help them do that)
The in-laws, who will surely find out and possibly see my H as a creep (which he is not) and me as a victim. The fact that once the kids know, it is highly likely that every one on both sides of the family will probably find out. I can't imagine everyone knowing our business. There is only one of his sisters who knows and her husband. They are the only ones who aren't nasty & judgemental.
I don't want anyone to look at my H and see him the way I think they would. No one knows what was really going on in our home at that time. I don't want them to, it's none of their business. I can really see no benefit now to telling our kids at this time. Any "avenged" feelings I might gain would surely be killed by the pain the knowledge would cause my kids and the trickle effect it would have to others.
I know that was long, but I've been chewing on this for some time now, and finally have clarity. It feels great.
She basically told him the same thing, I guess using different words or something, but he was able to understand. We talked a bit last night about that, and made another wobbly couple of steps forward.
He also wanted to talk to her about the question of whether or not we should tell our kids, especially our sons. They are all married now and live in another state. They were all out of the house when the A happened and though they know we've had some problems, they don't know the full extent. My H has felt that perhaps I needed them to know in order for me to really heal. You see, I did some really stupid things, and have felt like the kids must think I'm crazy or something. They never out right asked me why I overdosed in November of 2006, but was a result of how bad things were here at home and how desperate I was.
So I've been making a pro & con list. And you know what? There is only one thing on the pro side. Me...feeling somehow avenged. You see, my H came through this pretty much unscathed. Since no one knows, and I forgave him and we're moving on, he hasn't paid much of a price beyond his guilt. (which has been considerable)
On the con side...4 kids with a damaged view of their father. 3 DIL's with damaged respect for him. 3 marriages that might be damaged by the realization that a loving husband of 27 years can stray. (they need to protect their marriages, but there are better ways for us to help them do that)
The in-laws, who will surely find out and possibly see my H as a creep (which he is not) and me as a victim. The fact that once the kids know, it is highly likely that every one on both sides of the family will probably find out. I can't imagine everyone knowing our business. There is only one of his sisters who knows and her husband. They are the only ones who aren't nasty & judgemental.
I don't want anyone to look at my H and see him the way I think they would. No one knows what was really going on in our home at that time. I don't want them to, it's none of their business. I can really see no benefit now to telling our kids at this time. Any "avenged" feelings I might gain would surely be killed by the pain the knowledge would cause my kids and the trickle effect it would have to others.
I know that was long, but I've been chewing on this for some time now, and finally have clarity. It feels great.
I have also believe that keeping secrets in families and encouraging my children to keep secrets encourages a type of insecurity about the emotional strength of our family. I have never asked my kids not to discuss this with anyone because I think that they have needed emotional support from friends just as I have. I know this means that their friends parents may also hear about it, but no amount of gossip changes the truth about what really happened.
Because my family and the other family (affair) were so close there is no question about trying to keep things quiet and I do think it would have been a burden on everyone to make them feel like they had to try. I am the guilty party and if I have to walk around with this stigma it is no more than I deserve. I almost think it is better because I can try to show the importance of making the right choices now as opposed to focusing on the errors in the past. I suppose that there are many people who will forever look at me as maybe a 'whore', but there are always going to be narrowminded, judgmental people who can only see in black and white, which no stituation in reality ever is.