You speak true.

I didn't think about it.... I told both of my 20 something year old kids...because I basically had a nervous breakdown when I found out!

I kicked my husband out of the house...and filed for divorce...my son was not living at home at the time ..neither was my daughter... but she was planning to move back for a few months... I had to tell her to explain my condition (I was a wreck!)...

Later , when we reconciled and my husband moved back... I worried that I shouldn't have told my children....but..you know what? I decided that things happen for a reason...and maybe... the truth would set us all free...

for years when they were little I covered up for my husband's drinking...trying to maintain a 'perfect' family... and you know what? I have recently found out that they knew alot more than I had ever imagined!
And now...I feel that it is ok for them to know the truth..that there are no perfect people... their parents are not perfect... and if they make mistakes in life ..that's ok too... a good lesson for my very perfectionistic kids...

after reconciling I worried again...when I asked..what kind of message am I sending them? that I'm weak? that this behavior is ok? etc.? how will they look at me? at my husband?

well... I can tell you that 2 years post d-day...the revelation has had surprizing effects on us all....definitely not as negative as I thought...

my son and daughter are much closer now...they had drifted apart during high school and college... but now this crisis has brought them to a very different level of communication and closeness....
both of my children are much more communicative with me...they stay in touch...
and..both children grew up overnight... in terms of their relationship with us... we are definitely relating to each other as adults not a child to a parent... different..better...
and as for me and their father..I know that they are very happy that we have reconciled...
they both said they would support my decision when I was planning to divorce...
but I see that they respect us...respect our decision... and strangely respect their father...for having the courage to face up to his mistake...and work so hard to make things right again..
he has been much more honest and open with them, they see how hard he is working at being a better person..a more loving husband and father...

and a friend of mine said to me... that the lesson I am showing them is unconditional love...that even if they mess up..no matter how bad... the love of our family will be there for them...

I understand totally your reluctance to tell your children anything...whatever you decide..there is no right or wrong answer...
but....
I would be very,very surprized if they already did not know...didn't guess...

just wanted to let you and others know... that even this... the revelation to the kids can have a positive outcome......

Thanks for your perspective jrsygirl.

If I could be sure that the my kids and the DIL's would keep it to themselves, I might not be so hesitant. I am going to talk to our counselor myself too and mull this over a bit longer.

You're right in that they may have already guessed the truth. I know our daughter probably has, and our oldest son. But for now, I'm content with our decision.

My H will do whatever I want. He just wants me to be able to heal from this. He's really been great.

Yes all my grown children know. My H had an A five years into our marriage and now in June I found out he had another one ten years ago. The first A was known mainly to my H's family. But as the years went on and no one else knowing, friends and family thought the man I married was this perfect person, so happy, so sociable, had so many friends etc. But here I was seeing this man for whom he really was. Watching him like a hawk so he was never alone conversing with other women etc. for oh so many years.

Now to find out he did it to me again ten years ago and just finding out was enough. When I found out about this A my first words to him was "you will be telling your children". I have kept this family together for all these years since his first A five years into our marriage and I was damn well going to have him tell his kids what their father is really like since he chose to do this to me again. This was the best decision I have ever made. The kids now see their dad as human, they see how he is changeing towards me and to them also.

They also have re-evaluated their marriages and the relationships some of them are in. I also gave all of them a copy of the love dare book. They now show me more respect towards the wife issue. They see me as a strong woman now, they see me as the mom who could have disrupted this family in a second but chose to try to rebuild. They see me in a different light now and I can see that now and hear it in their voices when I speak to them even over the phone.

My children know and to be honest they haven't said anything to anyone. The reason being is these kids are not going to tell someone how stupid their parent was and they had an affair. These children looked up to this parent, loved this parent and they know what they did but they will not tell someone because they love that person and wouldn't want someone to degrade them, judge them, or say hurtful things about them.

If you chose to tell your children make sure you make it a point to say to them that this is a family matter and that it will remain in your family. NO outsiders need to know. Make your wishes known. I have a son-in-law who knows and he never told his parents about my H's A. I thanked him for that and he said it's my wife's family(my daughter)and that's just what family does. We work it out together.

I don't advise telling anyone else...on my way home from inding out about the A, I called a good friend from high school...he advised to tell no one but a doctor or therapist. My three girls already knew as the stripper brigade had called two nights in a row in the middle of the night. The less people that know the better if you intend on staying in the marriage. Oh what I wouldn't give to take that knowledge out of my children's heads...The oldest won't acknowledge him at all, the middle one stays up at school and is disgusted, the youngest lives at home and is on meds now and in intensive therapy. They all wish I would divorce him. We have worked hard this year to rebuild and none of them will give that any respect.

Interestingly, I just had a conversation with my oldest son about it this morning. He so understands what we went through. We talked about what an EA means and how it can lead to a PA. He's been in a serious relationship for a few years now. He doesn't judge my H b/c he's always been very "there" for my kids.

It's the endless conundrum of needing support and not wanting our spouse to look bad in the process. Only you can know who is capable of not being judgmental.

My H's best friend and his wife (who have a really good marriage), actually thanked us for forcing them to look at their marriage in a way they never thought they would have to. They (like most of our friends and family, myself included), thought we were "immune" to an affair. I think that unless people are AWARE of the pitfalls (written about a thousand times over here on DS), anyone is vulnerable.

Loving one last thought... maybe in the spirit of living an honest and truthful life your H want's the burden of the A out in the open so he can finally deal with or take the blame, if you will, on the questions of why you went through such an awful time. I know my kids and while they would never actually ask the hard questions I know they would be wondering what the hell was going on.

It's a tough call...

I really appreciate all the replies. I'm still on the side of not talking to them, but might show my H the comments other folks have made.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

I am on the other side of the fence with this. Why should we be the ones to carry all this weight on our shoulders? Everyone wonders what is going on and we have to lie to them? We didn't do anything? The men can go on with their lives and then somehow it ends up with fingers pointed at US. Everyone looks at us as if this were out fault-- "oh they are having problems because she's such a bitch, etc" and they have no idea what is really going on.

I think they should know. They are adults. There father is a man not their idol. Not that blame needs to be shed on anyone, but at least maybe you will get more support now, more understanding.

Most guys don't want it out in the open because they do not want it known what they have done, what cruel heartless act they have done to their family.

Why should this be kept a secret, it is MAJOR part of our life now.

My H is totally willing to tell them. And my kids don't idolize their father, they know he is human, believe me. The A has taken up enough mental space and time, why would I want it to be a MAJOR part of our lives as we go on?? I want it to become less, not more.

I don't see NOT telling them as carrying the whole thing on my shoulders. I honestly don't see any benefit to anyone by telling them. It "might" make me feel avenged, but I'm not looking for revenge. And in the end, if it (and it would) caused them pain or damaged their relationship with their dad, I would end up feeling worse. Yes, I might "have my say", but at what cost?

No one looks at me as if I'm a bitch. Kelly, you really sound full of anger still. I'm looking to rebuild and put this behind us, not feed it and keep it alive.

Maybe if I didn't understand why this happened I would feel differently. It could easily have been me who looked outside our marriage during that horrible time...how would I feel then? Would I want my kids to know if "I" strayed?

If my H were a chronic lier & cheater, it would be different. But he's not. He's simply a man who was hurting and slipped into a huge mistake and he is sorry every day and doing everything he can to regain that trust & love. We were together for 28 years when it happened, and he never strayed, let alone lied up to that point. I can't discount that or toss it out the window.

Do you understand why it happened? Have you worked that out yet? If not, then that is what you need to do to move forward.

Don't tell the kids then. I am not saying to tell to avenge, if they do not look to you as the bad guy, but I am sure they are wondering what is up. They always say to explain it in terms they can understand and your children are old enough to understand. I understand your reason for not telling everything and I respect that. I would never want anyone to feel worse for doing anything. So don't do it just because I feel it is right for me.

I do understand the devastation you are going through though. I really do. I know you love him, I love my H too. Your H is doing everything to help you through this. That is wonderful, is he helping you to understand why it happened in the first place?

I guess I am different than most, I believe in total honesty, I would even tell mine if I strayed. My kids are adults. 21 and soon to be 19. (the 5 yr old doesn't understand) I would explain the reasons why I did what I did. But that is a moot point. I would never do that. I made vows that were extremely important to me, I cherished my husband, I love God, and would never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with either, so I would never stray, so I never had any desire for any man other than my husband. Am I sick because I never desired another man? My husband thinks so? That's because he was a swinger. Well I think not. I am loyal and love one man at a time and invested more in him than he was deserving of.

I am not saying at all that your decision is wrong, I was just saying what I would do if I were in your situation. And I have. I told the kids. They already knew anyways. They already had that feeling as did everyone else in the family. So by not telling for months I was only fooling myself.

I did lie and say to everyone that everything is fine and they knew darn well that it was not and it ate away at me that I lied in the first place. That he put me in that position to have to lie. I should not have to lie as I did not do anything. Know what I mean?

I can see where you are coming from also. But don't think I am telling you to do what I did. I would never do that to anyone. Everyone is living different lives and each situation is different. You know your children and family better than anyone else.

Oh one more thing, everyone where my husband works thinks it is my fault. that is why I said why should everyone think we are the "bitches". I am sure I am not the only one who is in this situation. We are given all sorts of excuses in the beginning why they cheated (my dday was 7/27/08) so it is still fresh for me so maybe I am still angry.

I didn't mean to come across that way to you. I know your husband is a good man. I am so glad he took it upon himself to go to counseling. That takes a great man to do that! You should be proud.

Yes, I have a complete understanding of why it happened. We were both hurting from something that happened in our family. We each looked elsewhere, me to booze, him to someone who was compassionate and listened to him when I had totally shut him out. He didn't really need to explain that part, I have to be realistic and face my part in the whole thing. Not an excuse by any means, but the truth behind what happened.

I'm not going to go into details here about what had happened in our family. But, I'm also not fooling myself. Because of our situation, the knowledge could cause more harm to the kids in the long run. Your correct that they know things were bad, and maybe they have a good idea of what happened. Perhaps even some day 1 or all of them will ask about it. But for now the fact that we are doing so well is a relief for them all.

My H didn't set out to stray. He didn't go looking for AW. It happened slowly, little by little. He's feels completely stupid for allowing it to get that far, and so does the OW. And I feel completely stupid for letting both of us get to that point of being so vunerable.

I agree with you loving, I feel the same way and handled the whole situation in the same way. No one knows about my H's A except our counselor and his individual counselor. Our grown children know that we have been in counseling. We just told them something vague about just needing someone to talk to and they never asked anything further. I felt that if there was any hope for our marriage to work, I would need time to figure out things for myself and not be influenced by what my family and friends would think I should do. I would feel they would see my as a victim, they would feel sorry for me, they would hate my H, they would question why I would stay with him, and so on and so on. I feel I made the right decision. My H is doing everything he can to regain my trust and he knows that I could have told everyone about his whole mid-life crisis and is very grateful that I chose not to. We continue to heal...it hasn't been easy, and everyone's situation is different, but I'm glad I did what I did. Of course, I know I have the option should things change.

During the year I only knew about the EA, there were people I talked to. My sister, a co-worker, and a woman I used to be best friends with. They all knew that my H had gotten too friendly with a co-worker, and my sister knew the day I spoke the attorney. I got terrible advice from my sister and friend...they both pushed for divorce right from the start. I remember being dismayed that they could suggest such a drastic thing, and that they were so quick to advise that I toss a 30 year (at that point) marriage.

Looking back, I can understand why the friend held that view. She is divorced, and was a cheater herself. She cheated during her marriage with another married man, and also slept with another married man after her divorce. I don't believe she was looking out for my best interests, I think she just wanted my marriage to fail because she was jealous in some twisted way.

My sister wasn't quite as negative, but didn't give much supportive advise. The co-worker was very supportive...she shared that her H had also had an A a few years prior, and how hard they had worked to get through it.

When my H finally admitted the whole thing, I just couldn't see myself talking to anyone. It would have meant being totally honest about everything, and frankly, my drinking and the trouble our family had had was nobodies business. This is a fairly small town, and everyone seems to know or be related to everyone, meaning everyone would have ended up knowing our business. That just wasn't something I ever wanted to happen.