Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
One of my favorite Pet Shop Boys songs is "Jealousy". (woo... yeah, dating myself, but onward I plow...)
Something that comes up heavily during recovery from infidelity is frequently having to wrestle with Jealousy. I wanted to share some of my own coping techniques and maybe hope some of the other old timers could throw in their two cents since I know a lot of folks who are "new" could stand to use a little quick and dirty survival handbook.
Interestingly, during the affair, the unfaithful spouse is often the one with angry and typically unreasonable jealousy - and no wonder. A guilty conscious and a little transference and it's a recipe for jealous disaster. I remember my husband swinging from complete apathy "Mmmhmm... yeah... uh huh, no I'm listening... wait what did you say?" to "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? WHAT DID THAT TEXT SAY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" and of course, those were huge clues as to what was going on, but I was firmly pulling my blinders on and ignoring those signs.
Post discovery, I was hugely jealous of the other woman, as one might imagine. I was also, surprising to me, jealous of my husband. HE got to go out and explore his passions and desires (or so I imagined in my head). He got to be wild and free and irresponsible. He got to drop responsibilities to go hook up with someone rather than tending work, family, marriage, etc. I wanted steamy sex! I wanted to ditch the kids and go have long talks with someone interesting! I wanted to have someone fawning over me!
It helps, I think, to analyze where these feelings come from. Something I've discussed (ad nauseam, and many thank yous to those who've suffered through them all) in my journal here is how I often would get jealous of what the other woman has, NOT because I want it (been there, done that, quite happy to have moved out of that phase) but because I felt like I should want it. That was my first clue that, oh, it isn't because she IS/HAS/LOOKS/ACTS/WEARS/GOES/DOES/ and I don't, but... because something inside me is broken and sad and wanting and it feels like in the heat of the moment if I had what she had, then I would finally be happy.
(Can you hear my derisive snort from there?)
Here's a great little quote I found online:
"The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."
The jealousy I had for the other woman, and indeed, my husband, wasn't because I necessarily wanted those things. I didn't want "some guy" I wanted my HUSBAND to have interesting discussions and steamy sex with and she didn't take that from me. She may (or may not, doesn't matter...) have gotten that from him, but if I wasn't getting that, it had nothing to do with her at any point. That was between he and I. And the more I stewed in my own hatred and jealousy worrying about what she had and did and where she was going and how lovely and wonderful her life was turning out, the less I lived my own life and enjoyed my own husband.
You know, the whole poisoning your own fate, kinda thing...? Yeah. That.
Some folks look deep into the dark crevasses of their heart with fair ease and are able to face what's there and tackle it head on. Not me. Denydenydeny. I wanted to believe it was HER fault I was miserable. I wanted to believe it was HIS fault I was sad. At some point, their choices certainly did sadden and hurt me, but at some point, it was ALL on ME.
I've often written before that when a betrayed spouse can't seem to get images of their spouse and affair partner out of their head during sex to STOP inviting the affair partner into bed. This is no different. The more I ruminated on just how much better SHE had it, the more I was taking the good things I had in my life and just shoving them to the back of some emotional closet.
The fact is, I was (am!) insecure. I was (am!) concerned about my own worth. No one else can fix that for me. No amount of validation or adoration or affection is going to change what goes on in my head because it absolutely 100% has to come from within. My husband's infidelity may have caused me to doubt my worth, but I'm the one who decided to just buy into it 100%. At that point, he didn't fail me - I did.
So. What to does one actually DO to overcome jealousy?
Well, first... I did what I learned to do during my three plus years (yes, I AM a slow learner, thank you) of individual counseling, and that was to take two steps to the right or left (figuratively) and change my point of view. Looking at things differently often helps. Often, I get stuck in what I THINK I see, and not what I actually see. Like I said before, a prime example was: she has ___ so I must need/want that, too! Complete untruth. Some people have monster trucks and are quite happy. I don't have a monster truck, but I can assure you, having one would not in any way alter my happiness level. Some people have 8 kids. Again, I'm quite content not having 8 kids.
The second thing that helped was defining what it was that I actually DID want or need and assessing whether or not I had it. If I had what I wanted/needed, was I acknowledging that? Was I appreciating it? Ahh... and was I expressing that appreciation?? (This is key for our rebuilding since it also built my husband back up and let him know that what he was doing was actually making things better!)
If I wasn't getting what I wanted/needed and that was the root of the jealousy, was it because I wasn't asking for what I needed? Is it because I was asking the wrong person or in the wrong way? (For example, telling my best friend I wished my husband would bring me flowers isn't going to help the situation.) Was I clear and concise in my requests? Generally, I didn't even get this far, because the truth is, I usually was getting - I just wasn't opening myself up to accepting what was being given.
The next thing that was super vital for intense and immediate jealousy (like... the waitress telling my husband he has pretty eyes, for example) and that was to understand my own control over the situation. Growing up a child of alcoholics, control is not something I relinquish easily, and the fact is, about the only thing I control is my own actions and reactions. So, ok, some chick just flirted with my husband. What are my choices? What are the options? What part of this scenario do I control? Can I control whether or not someone compliments (or outright flirts with) my husband? Nope. Can I control what his reaction will be? Nope.
I HATE THAT FEELING.
Holla, yo? You all feel me, you know you do. Helplessness is a sucky thing. And that helplessness feeds into the insecurity which spawns jealousy. Follow what I'm saying?
So, if I take back that control, that helps me immensely.
My husband and I had long talks about how I would feel most comfortable with him responding to situations that would typically leave me jealous. There is comfort in that. It also gives me a sense of control in that I feel like I get a "vote" at least. Granted, it's only a vote, he still is the only one who can control himself.
So then where else do I have control? Well, if this happens in front of me, I have LOTS of control over the situation. I can scream and hiss and jump on the table like a wildcat. Sure, why not? Mmnyeah, hopefully we all know why not. Heh. I can kick the offending person in the shin and pretend it was an accident. (heheh...) I can glare daggers into my husband or angrily accuse him of wrong doing. Or...
I can say, "My husband does have beautiful eyes. I'm lucky to have spent a good part of the last twenty-two years looking into them."
Sure, it's a line a girl would fall for, but I think even guys like my husband get a little melty at sweet words like that. And you know, it says, "Back off, lady," without being rude or mean or whatever. It has also inspired my husband to respond with, "I think my wife's eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen," at which point said waitress got the clue fast and scooted away to other customers to leave us in sappy lovey dovey bliss.
I got what I wanted - his blue eyes staring into my green ones and the rest of the world faded into a blur around us - and I didn't feel jealous. I took control of the situation peacefully, and kindly, and lovingly.
It also helps that time has dulled the sharp jealousy blades. My mind doesn't go to dark places and invent wild tales every time the phone rings or every time an email comes in or every time a female cashier checks us out. I've learned to take a hard look at what's LIKELY and what's UNLIKELY. Sure, anything is possible, but sometimes the raging jealousy that bubbled up before was completely unfounded based on his affair and not on whatever the current situation is/was. If I stopped and took a hard look at REALITY, I could see that the cashier at the fast food place told EVERY person (male, female, old, young) "see you next time!" and not JUST my husband. If I look objectively, I can see that, um, yeah, she's as disinterested as any 19 year-old working drive through and just trying to get his order and get him moving along as every.other.car.there.
My husband is special - to me - and he is wonderful and sexy and fabulous. But not every freaking woman in the world is dying to be his love slave. That's just silly. And once I realized that, I realized, yeah, I gotta let some of this go and focus on REAL and not IMAGINED.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. I'm interested in how you curb your evil green monsters?
Something that comes up heavily during recovery from infidelity is frequently having to wrestle with Jealousy. I wanted to share some of my own coping techniques and maybe hope some of the other old timers could throw in their two cents since I know a lot of folks who are "new" could stand to use a little quick and dirty survival handbook.
Interestingly, during the affair, the unfaithful spouse is often the one with angry and typically unreasonable jealousy - and no wonder. A guilty conscious and a little transference and it's a recipe for jealous disaster. I remember my husband swinging from complete apathy "Mmmhmm... yeah... uh huh, no I'm listening... wait what did you say?" to "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? WHAT DID THAT TEXT SAY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" and of course, those were huge clues as to what was going on, but I was firmly pulling my blinders on and ignoring those signs.
Post discovery, I was hugely jealous of the other woman, as one might imagine. I was also, surprising to me, jealous of my husband. HE got to go out and explore his passions and desires (or so I imagined in my head). He got to be wild and free and irresponsible. He got to drop responsibilities to go hook up with someone rather than tending work, family, marriage, etc. I wanted steamy sex! I wanted to ditch the kids and go have long talks with someone interesting! I wanted to have someone fawning over me!
It helps, I think, to analyze where these feelings come from. Something I've discussed (ad nauseam, and many thank yous to those who've suffered through them all) in my journal here is how I often would get jealous of what the other woman has, NOT because I want it (been there, done that, quite happy to have moved out of that phase) but because I felt like I should want it. That was my first clue that, oh, it isn't because she IS/HAS/LOOKS/ACTS/WEARS/GOES/DOES/ and I don't, but... because something inside me is broken and sad and wanting and it feels like in the heat of the moment if I had what she had, then I would finally be happy.
(Can you hear my derisive snort from there?)
Here's a great little quote I found online:
"The problem with jealousy is that it masks other feelings and attitudes that are even more hurtful to us and those closest to us. Its intensity is often shielding deep-seated feelings of possessiveness, insecurity or shame. I believe that what lies at the heart of jealousy very often isn't the threat itself, but a drive we have within us to torment ourselves and berate ourselves with self-critical thoughts."
The jealousy I had for the other woman, and indeed, my husband, wasn't because I necessarily wanted those things. I didn't want "some guy" I wanted my HUSBAND to have interesting discussions and steamy sex with and she didn't take that from me. She may (or may not, doesn't matter...) have gotten that from him, but if I wasn't getting that, it had nothing to do with her at any point. That was between he and I. And the more I stewed in my own hatred and jealousy worrying about what she had and did and where she was going and how lovely and wonderful her life was turning out, the less I lived my own life and enjoyed my own husband.
You know, the whole poisoning your own fate, kinda thing...? Yeah. That.
Some folks look deep into the dark crevasses of their heart with fair ease and are able to face what's there and tackle it head on. Not me. Denydenydeny. I wanted to believe it was HER fault I was miserable. I wanted to believe it was HIS fault I was sad. At some point, their choices certainly did sadden and hurt me, but at some point, it was ALL on ME.
I've often written before that when a betrayed spouse can't seem to get images of their spouse and affair partner out of their head during sex to STOP inviting the affair partner into bed. This is no different. The more I ruminated on just how much better SHE had it, the more I was taking the good things I had in my life and just shoving them to the back of some emotional closet.
The fact is, I was (am!) insecure. I was (am!) concerned about my own worth. No one else can fix that for me. No amount of validation or adoration or affection is going to change what goes on in my head because it absolutely 100% has to come from within. My husband's infidelity may have caused me to doubt my worth, but I'm the one who decided to just buy into it 100%. At that point, he didn't fail me - I did.
So. What to does one actually DO to overcome jealousy?
Well, first... I did what I learned to do during my three plus years (yes, I AM a slow learner, thank you) of individual counseling, and that was to take two steps to the right or left (figuratively) and change my point of view. Looking at things differently often helps. Often, I get stuck in what I THINK I see, and not what I actually see. Like I said before, a prime example was: she has ___ so I must need/want that, too! Complete untruth. Some people have monster trucks and are quite happy. I don't have a monster truck, but I can assure you, having one would not in any way alter my happiness level. Some people have 8 kids. Again, I'm quite content not having 8 kids.
The second thing that helped was defining what it was that I actually DID want or need and assessing whether or not I had it. If I had what I wanted/needed, was I acknowledging that? Was I appreciating it? Ahh... and was I expressing that appreciation?? (This is key for our rebuilding since it also built my husband back up and let him know that what he was doing was actually making things better!)
If I wasn't getting what I wanted/needed and that was the root of the jealousy, was it because I wasn't asking for what I needed? Is it because I was asking the wrong person or in the wrong way? (For example, telling my best friend I wished my husband would bring me flowers isn't going to help the situation.) Was I clear and concise in my requests? Generally, I didn't even get this far, because the truth is, I usually was getting - I just wasn't opening myself up to accepting what was being given.
The next thing that was super vital for intense and immediate jealousy (like... the waitress telling my husband he has pretty eyes, for example) and that was to understand my own control over the situation. Growing up a child of alcoholics, control is not something I relinquish easily, and the fact is, about the only thing I control is my own actions and reactions. So, ok, some chick just flirted with my husband. What are my choices? What are the options? What part of this scenario do I control? Can I control whether or not someone compliments (or outright flirts with) my husband? Nope. Can I control what his reaction will be? Nope.
I HATE THAT FEELING.
Holla, yo? You all feel me, you know you do. Helplessness is a sucky thing. And that helplessness feeds into the insecurity which spawns jealousy. Follow what I'm saying?
So, if I take back that control, that helps me immensely.
My husband and I had long talks about how I would feel most comfortable with him responding to situations that would typically leave me jealous. There is comfort in that. It also gives me a sense of control in that I feel like I get a "vote" at least. Granted, it's only a vote, he still is the only one who can control himself.
So then where else do I have control? Well, if this happens in front of me, I have LOTS of control over the situation. I can scream and hiss and jump on the table like a wildcat. Sure, why not? Mmnyeah, hopefully we all know why not. Heh. I can kick the offending person in the shin and pretend it was an accident. (heheh...) I can glare daggers into my husband or angrily accuse him of wrong doing. Or...
I can say, "My husband does have beautiful eyes. I'm lucky to have spent a good part of the last twenty-two years looking into them."
Sure, it's a line a girl would fall for, but I think even guys like my husband get a little melty at sweet words like that. And you know, it says, "Back off, lady," without being rude or mean or whatever. It has also inspired my husband to respond with, "I think my wife's eyes are the most beautiful I've ever seen," at which point said waitress got the clue fast and scooted away to other customers to leave us in sappy lovey dovey bliss.
I got what I wanted - his blue eyes staring into my green ones and the rest of the world faded into a blur around us - and I didn't feel jealous. I took control of the situation peacefully, and kindly, and lovingly.
It also helps that time has dulled the sharp jealousy blades. My mind doesn't go to dark places and invent wild tales every time the phone rings or every time an email comes in or every time a female cashier checks us out. I've learned to take a hard look at what's LIKELY and what's UNLIKELY. Sure, anything is possible, but sometimes the raging jealousy that bubbled up before was completely unfounded based on his affair and not on whatever the current situation is/was. If I stopped and took a hard look at REALITY, I could see that the cashier at the fast food place told EVERY person (male, female, old, young) "see you next time!" and not JUST my husband. If I look objectively, I can see that, um, yeah, she's as disinterested as any 19 year-old working drive through and just trying to get his order and get him moving along as every.other.car.there.
My husband is special - to me - and he is wonderful and sexy and fabulous. But not every freaking woman in the world is dying to be his love slave. That's just silly. And once I realized that, I realized, yeah, I gotta let some of this go and focus on REAL and not IMAGINED.
Anyway, those are some of my thoughts. I'm interested in how you curb your evil green monsters?
Thank you SO much for the quote about failure, Dragonfly. I think some folks get it in their head that if it isn't easy, or doesn't just happen automatically, then it wasn't meant to be. I firmly believe that anything worth having/doing takes effort, including marriage. (I do happen to REALLY enjoy some of our efforts, though. Heheh.) And you're right, learning the "lingo" (not just love languages, but body language, etc.) definitely helps alleviate misunderstandings and jealousies. Excellent points.
I have to admit that I feel a little misunderstood and 'ganged up on'. John and I are good together. We have developed new communication skills and are planning our near (this summer) and distant (retirement) future TOGETHER.
And I do believe that God, at the very least, planned for us to meet and fall in love. He knew that we each would face challenges in our lives and would need a partner (helpmate) to help us through them.
John stood by me when my parent threatened to disown me if I married him. Because he is a Chinese-American. (It was small town America in 1972). For the very first time in my meek, compliant, little life I stood up to them. I fought for John and my parents finally gave in.
John was there to support me (even before we were married) when I was diagnosed with M.S. I was a sophomore in college. My parents weren't there --- John was.
I was by John's side when his brother and sister-in-law died less than 2 years apart. And I chose (I was not pressured) to take in their 3 kids and love them and raise them as our own.
John was by my side as we helped my sister move out of state in the middle of the night to avoid a nasty custody battle over her 6 year old daughter. And then he was by my side 5 months later, as we planned her funeral after she was shot, point-blank in the head.
These are only a few examples of our love and support of each other. We had a natural good communication style. I never knew why some people would say they had to 'work' at their marriage. >> until the A.
Now that easy, natural style is broken. And now WE have to work at our marriage.. We ARE doing the work because we love each other so completely -- - AND --- we were meant to be!
I wasn't poking at your belief that a higher power has matched you and your husband. That very well may be your truth - I just don't believe that's the case for me and my husband. I'm actually glad you found your soul mate! That's a very comforting thing and would be very validating to your own beliefs and faith.
I would like to ask your forgiveness if my comments sounded as if they were an accusation that you weren't working on your marriage or if your marriage wasn't worth working on. That is absolutely not what I was trying to say. You wouldn't be on this board if you didn't care and weren't working on things and I acknowledge that.
Expressing my concerns really came from a place where I've seen people engaging in behaviors that they honestly believed would get them closer to where they wanted to be when, in fact, history for other couples has proven the exact opposite is more likely to happen. There have been a number of occasions when Pinkpony or Cole (just as a couple of examples I can think of off the top of my head) called ME out and said, "Whoa, hold up... are you really headed in the direction you think you're headed?" and I have appreciated so much. When I think I see someone headed south when they mean to go west, I just like to call it out. If I'm wrong? No biggie, I'm pretty easily ignored. If I'm right, I may save someone a lot of heartache.
I'm glad that you were able to find your soul mate and that you have had such good years together. You both deserve happiness and I am so glad that you are working to regain the easy, natural, loving marriage you once had.
After reading your response AND HeatherinSA's AND Dreagonfly's I just felt so misunderstood, and not only NOT supported, but actually SCOLDED.
It definitely triggered feelings from as far back as I can remember. the difference now, is that I can stand up for myself. I am stronger now. And felt safe enough to state how I feel After all -that IS what this board is also for.
Do something good JUST FOR YOURSELF TODAY! :-)
"God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is Faith" Joel 2:25