cecbpc: I appreciate you putting this posting out here. I too hope to hear from others at the 2 year mark. I'm not too far behind you. My 2 year mark is in February.

And like you I get scared that as an "old timer" that something must be wrong with me to still be dealing with the doubt, frustration and feelings. I keep trying to "identify" what it is that has me still unsettled because everything is going well in our marriage. I think for me, I don't have a sense of contentment and I think that comes from the fact that my mind has not shut down ONCE since dday. And then when I get upset over my lack of contentment, then I start to question if I want to live like this the rest of my life despite the hard work my H still puts in.

Ultimately for me, I think my problem is my H has no emotional depth to him at all. Or let me say...he may have some depth to him but he is not good at sharing thoughts and feelings with me. And when issues involving empathy and deep concern come up (not just with us but with others too, I see that he is totally baffled how to deal with it). And the concern I have is that the scars run deep from his betrayal and I know that talking with him about it will get me nowhere. That is how the A happened in the first place - no empathy for me at all nor the ability to see past his own selfish needs and insecurities.

I feel a bit lost at the moment because I can't quite put my finger on what my problem is or how to fix it. Unsettled is the only way to describe me. I keep trying to draw my attention back to all the good things we have going on but that fix seems temporary for me.

We need to create a retreat for folks like us who need to keep hashing it all out......maybe involve hypnosis as well.....and some alcohol.....

"We need to create a retreat for folks like us who need to keep hashing it all out......maybe involve hypnosis as well.....and some alcohol..... "

LOL! I think we need to book a cruise!

But seriously .. I'm at 18 months and feel like we've recovered quite a bit. Don't know what number to put on it, but our marriage is stronger now than it ever was. And I'm still "Is this it? Is this as good as it gets?" But even if the EA hadn't happened I'd probably still be asking that question - maybe even more - so I think it's dangerous to assume it is always related to the EA. I've come to accept that I need to have other people around me because I highly doubt that my H will ever fulfill me 100%. And honestly - I'm not sure it's practical to expect someone to do that. So I emotionally invest in my daughter, my friends and my family so that all my eggs aren't in one basket. My H isn't so lucky - I'm it for him.

I think that's part of the immaturity that led to his EA in the first place. His reasoning was that I wasn't making him happy so he started looking for it in other places that were completely inappropriate (porn, coworkers of the opposite sex, etc.). I wasn't happy either but I redirected it into volunteering and my daughter. Same feelings but entirely different choices.

or a partial lobotomy...

Our marriage is better than ever and now is really a time where I should be enjoying life and being happy with my H but it seems that I still can't let go of the pain. I think sometimes to the point where I can convince myself that I still can't let go is because I'm right about my thoughts, that there is more to the A then what he's said. Now the logical side of my brain says who cares, he's with me now and things are better than ever. Let the past be the past. It's these mind games that go back and forth or the roller coaster that kill me.

If I could take a pill and let it all go I'd be first in line. My H is wants and needs to let go and I don't blame him. MC thinks I still want to punish him. I think I'm just still trying to trust him again and once that is done I'm hoping the thoughts/doubts will also go away.

Beach I get what your saying about being unsettled and not being able to put your finger on it is what I think drives these thoughts and feelings because we are constantly searching for something but not knowing what the problem is, is making that something hard to find.

Thanks beach and lisa for your input.

I love the lobotomy idea. I had the ice pick out one day and was going to try and do it to myself but got worried that I would hit the wrong nerves and go around cursing and farting out of control. Which at 46, that happens on occasion anyway.

My FRUSTRATION is my inability to just walk away from the past. I do know I have an obsessive personality and I think that is part of the problem. I can't change that. I cannot decide if maybe I need to see my doctor and ask for meds but I am really anti-medication. But I am at a point where I am just tired of not being able to let go.

At least I take comfort knowing I am not alone with these feelings.

Beach, I think we'll all let it go when were damn good and ready to! There's still some growing to do, so those irritating grains of angst stick around until they've done their job.

I'll bet in 10 years it won't still be like this.

Beach, I am in the same boat and am anti-medication but if there was something natural or herbal I'd take it. Saw something online "headstrong OC Defense" but am skeptical. I know of a herbalist that I may go and talk to on Monday and see if there is a recommendation. Ever heard of this?

I vote for the cruise option. I'm still a "baby" at only 11 months, but a cruise would give me something to look forward to besides the "bad" anniversaries.

D day year 4 was yesterday. He doesn't even remember, not a day goes by I don't think how he screwed this up - for me. bs that I will never feel the same way I did.sorry to be a sad Sally, but the glass is half empty. My glass used to run over with joy and happiness. Now I feel like it was big joke to him, a " I will just screw around on her joke." It was only my life, my happiness, which was obviously no big concern to him. it's like in sports when the league is locked out for a few months, but then start to play. When the championship is won, they put an asterisk by the team's name to note that it was a f'd up season. I feel like I have an asterisk by my name too. She is here, but she is heartbroken and will never be the same loving and trusting person she was.***

Last night I made the big mistake of looking up an ex boyfriend on Facebook and looking through his pictures. I saw him on a TV show recently and it stuck with me (he is on one of those BBQ teams that competes in a different state and I just happened to see him on an A&E show - how that for random?)
Last night he was in a very vivid part of my dream and I'm having a very hard time getting him out of my head today.

It's days like this that I fully grasp what is missing in this marriage, and it's not something that is likely to come back anytime soon. It's also when i secretly wish he would screw up again so i could wash my hands clean, say I tried my best, and move on to a new person with no emotional baggage attached. I think I will always care about him *in spite of* what happened and stay in this marriage *in spite of* what happened. There are days where I think this story has run it's course, and days where (God forbid) I wonder if I'll be widowed at a young age and get to move on with no guilt or remorse.

Some days I wonder what my life would be if I weren't with him. Because when I look at him i still see the person that stabbed me in the back. Not always, but often enough.

Last night I made the big mistake of looking up an ex boyfriend on Facebook and looking through his pictures. I saw him on a TV show recently and it stuck with me (he is on one of those BBQ teams that competes in a different state and I just happened to see him on an A&E show - how that for random?)
Last night he was in a very vivid part of my dream and I'm having a very hard time getting him out of my head today.

It's days like this that I fully grasp what is missing in this marriage, and it's not something that is likely to come back anytime soon. It's also when i secretly wish he would screw up again so i could wash my hands clean, say I tried my best, and move on to a new person with no emotional baggage attached. I think I will always care about him *in spite of* what happened and stay in this marriage *in spite of* what happened. There are days where I think this story has run it's course, and days where (God forbid) I wonder if I'll be widowed at a young age and get to move on with no guilt or remorse.

Some days I wonder what my life would be if I weren't with him. Because when I look at him i still see the person that stabbed me in the back. Not always, but often enough.

Hypnosis, a cruise, a drink, a pill...whatever it takes I'm in. Honestly though I'm anti-medication too and this is killing me. I'm "stuck" too girls. Can't put my finger on it, can't fix it or talk about it, it just eats at me day after day. The only thing good is, my life is getting some normality back. There isn't a day when I don't think about it, or remember what happened. How long can this go on? I don't know why I'm holding on to it. I can't let go of what my husband did to "us". We have all changed, and this is part of who we are now. I wish I could offer the magical solution, but all I can offer is " I'm right there with you all". Hugs!

I go for the cruise!!!!....and drinks...anything! I am stuck too. H destroyed so many layers of my being that I dont know if I ever would be able to forgive him and move on. I want to forgive him and move on...but I cant. I was blaming the slut for harassing and stalking us after H ended the A. She did it for almost 2 years...last contact was last week. ..but you guys did go through that...so my question is...how long I can give myself to move on? to forgive him? to stop being sad?
I am broken, really broken and how long is long enough?
Glad that I am not alone. Hugs

OMG Needhelp! I am in tears reading that... I'm at the 2 year mark Monday Oct. 31st. I feel like that too.... I feel completely empty inside, and i'm so scared that I will never feel the Love and Happiness i once felt.... My H remembers it, but we never speak of it or his son. He just sends OW money and to be honest, if I didn't know about the A, I would be so deep in love and just in bliss..... But the reality is, even being 2 yrs or 4 yrs or 10 yrs.... we may never feel the same. It's not fair.... Not at all.

cecbpc: You know.... I did have a time after my H's son was born that I wasn't on here.... I thought.... THOUGHT.... I was stronger and feeling better. But honestly, I think we will always have the need for some sort of support and release.... something we can't get in our relationships and not on our own. Guess we just keep at it, and keep trying to feel what we used to..... maybe one day we will.

LET ME OFF THIS RIDE! None of us asked to get on this roller coaster but were on it. My emotions are still Hi and low but I think it only gets really bad when I make the A my complete focus. Don't do that! I know triggers are everyone but if we let them rule us we will destroy ourselves. I think all of us are worth more that to self desturct. What they took from us can never be given back but it does have to be forgiven. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night its a process just like this entire mess. There is only so much our CS can do for us. We are in charge of where we go from here. Big hugs!