Lisalisa, I also look at him like he is the one who stabbed me in the back too. He never wants to talk about 'it' either, and believes that we will be better than before. I was ok with who I was and MY character. It's funny how the CS is the one who can now be better or thinks the BS will be better than ever. Sorry, those are the exceptions. Most of us feel screwed over.

Me too ladies, nothing more to add at this time. Just me too. :(

I have just passed the 10 month mark. I'm still here, but will I stay? I sometimes,no a lot of times wish I would've left ten months ago. Now it will be much harder. But staying is also hard. He is trying, but sometimes he doesn't have a clue. If there is an "AHAAA" moment let me know, maybe if I know I have something to look forward to will help.

Let me know about that cruise and drinks!!!

KM, thank you for that reminder. The A shouldn't be our complete focus and when it is, it does become bad. Forgiveness is the key and I guess we might as well start off with forgiving ourselves.

needhelp,

I wonder sometimes if he feels the real change between us. Does he know what he's lost? Yes, some parts of our relationship are a lot better - but others aren't. I don't have the same level of admiration and respect I had before. The trust level isn't the same. (And not because I think he'll stray again - it's just realizing that the person who was supposed to have my back didn't.)

Ugh ... I've been doing so well for so long and this pity party has hit me out of nowhere. It will have been 18 months since DDay next week, so hopefully this is just a normal stage in the recovery process. It sort of feels like mourning, but I know I'll regroup and get back to normal eventually.

Lisalisa, I think he feels my distance. I used to hug him, kiss him. I haven't spontaneously kissed him since D day. Why would I? He obviously can find other lips to kiss. When has he needed me for sex? Someone else on this thread said her MC said she is still punishing her CS. I think I do the same, yet a big part of that is I really don't feel the same about him. I adored him. He was the light of my life. I had his back - always. I would have never disrespected him like that. No man could have made me disrespect him because of who I thought we were. I guess men don't feel that way about us. They fabricate these reasons why they cheat .( They didn't think we loved them, or the proverbial it didn't mean anything line.) I do not know why they don't see this as the ultimate slap in the face- when they have affairs and share their lives and bodies with someone else. They certainly understand how serious it is when THEY have been cheated on! Now I don't have that respect for him anymore after I found that I was the only one in a committed relationship, but he needed the admiration of other women to make him feel good. My total devotion wasn't enough. Now he doesn't even have that- that which he now says is important to him. Yet when he had it, he took it for granted. He had me. Too easy. Wanted more. Then he found out OW was a fatal attraction psycho who stalked him for a year after the A ended. Now I look pretty damn good. Too bad it's too late, because I see he isn't the prize I thought HE was.