I'm going to start with just a little back story then get into the real story. One night I had a party at my house, a friend of mine brought this guy Jeff, that she knew. I had never met him until that night, I was not that impressed with him. He was a little loud, opinionated, sexist, racist, and all those other "ist". Overall he was not that bad but I really had no desire to ever see him again.

Jump ahead two weeks, on a Friday night, I was supposed to get off work at 5, then I was going out of town with some friends. I ended up having to work until 9. On the way home, I stopped at a gas station to get a pack of cigarettes. While I was paying Jeff walked up to me and started talking to me. So I was talking to him, just trying to be polite. For some reason I told him that was supposed to go out of town with friends, but had to work late, so know I was all wired and didn't really want to go home, but every one I knew was already busy with something else. He said, that he lived in the apartments right behind the gas station, and invited me over to watch a movie and grab a couple of drinks.

Something told me to go home, I could almost hear someone shouting in my ear, not to go with him. But, I really did not feel like going home alone, so I said OK. I followed him back to his apartment, we went in and picked out a movie from his video collection, he popped it in the vcr, then went in the kitchen to fix us some drinks.

I could not see him from where I was, but I could hear what he was doing, I wondered why he needed to open a drawer to fix drinks, but did not really think about it. He brought the drinks in the living room, handed mine and sat down on the other end of the couch. I don't remember what movie it was, but it had just got started good, and I had drank about half my drink. When all of a sudden, I knew I was in trouble. The room started to spin, I felt my arms and legs go numb, and I slid right off the couch. He picked me up, took me to the bedroom, took my clothes off and laid me on the bed face down. Took his own clothes off and got on top of me. Everything was kind of fuzzy, but I still knew everything that was going on, I just could not move. I had no control of my body. But was still aware of what was happening.

I could feel everything he was doing, but I could not scream. I could feel the bed sag every time he cam down, I still hear the bed springs squeaking. He finally got finished, and rolled off me. He laid next to me, and asked me "that was the best you've ever had isn't it?" He laid there for a little while, then got back on top of me, this time was even worse. After he finished and rolled off and next to me. Then said "that's not the best ass I've had but it'll do". Then he went to sleep.

I laid there for I don't know how long, but I finally got to where I could move, so I got up, managed to finally get dressed, in between falling down because my legs were still wobbly. The I somehow I managed to drive home, despite being so doped up I could barely see the road, and still did not have complete control of my arms. I got home, locked the door, then hid in the closet.

The next morning my alarm came on, so I got up and turned it off, and sat on the side of the bed. I did not want to go to work, but being the manager, I did not have much of a choice, since there was no one to cover for me. I sat there trying to figure out what to do. I finally told myself that I was going to get ready and go to work, and I was going to act normal and no one would ever know what happened. That is what I did. I even managed to hide if from myself. For a long time I would not allow myself to think about it. Every time it came up, I would force it back down.

Then about 20 years later, I was in a psych ward for something unrelated, and I accidentally overheard the nurses say that the new girl had been raped the day before but would not admit it, even though someone had walked in on it happening. Later that day we were in a group session, and this girl had cried since she got there. So we were sitting there in the session and she kept saying there was nothing wrong with her she did not need to be there, she didn't know why her parents had forced her to come in, then she accidentally said, that she wasn't thinking about killing herself. Before I could stop myself, I interrupted her and told her what happened to me. Then I told her that if I as a man could admit it in the group, there was nothing bad enough that she could not admit. She finally admitted what happened.

Then I had to deal with what happened to me. For the first time in 20 years I relived what happened, I broke down for a couple of days, before I came to terms with it. At this point I'm ok, for the most part it doesnt bother me anymore. There are still times that it starts to get to me, and I have all kinds of horrible feelings, but I'm able to keep them under control.

Sorry it's so long but I needed to tell everything. Thanks for reading it.