Insecure, Thank you for posting......be proud that you are here, having only been here for a few days myself, I am proud to be here. I understand when you say you feel the need to censor, it's like having tea and cookies at a beautifully set table, and wondering the whole time if you are going to flip that table over......trust me when I say "flip it", flip that table over, and let it all out, every gory detail, please don't let those details hurt you anymore......I, and many others are here for you......

Thank You!flip the table sounds good I'll try not to stop in midair!

Hello i understand u completely. Sorry that u r feeling like this....i too censor what i tell people. i have never spoken bout it in detail to anybody. ever. its a heavy load to carry day after day, but its hard to dump such horrible things onto somebody isint it, but perhaps we ought to for our peace of mind and sanity after all we have done nothing wrong...please try not to let them ruin your life you are better than that, the way to stop them ruining your life is to move foreward no matter how painful it may seem, dont let them beat you.. you deserve so much more even though at the moment you may not agree...please try and find somebody to tell, i write things down 4 people to read and tell them not to look at me .....good luck to you i include a reassuring hug to u now..take care..u can talk to me anytime ok........

asmith42...I just LOVE your "flip the table" metaphor. I'd give anything to flip it myself!
insecure, I, too, have waited years (16 since the first attack) to "flip the table". I feel so vile and dirty talking about it, and exactly like you said. Whether it's my therapist, or my good friend who I have confided in, I cannot say these things. Just the thoughts make me feel gross and in need of a scalding-hot shower. I know better, but for some reason I feel the need to protect them and not say these horrible things to them. But it is very frustrating because I know I would feel better if I could just let it out!!!

Welcome to the group, as unfortunate as it is that you have to be here, I am sorry for that. But you've found a good place for support.
*HUGS*

Yes, I can identify with what you are saying. I think many of us here can. For me it was over 12 years before I was even able to say the "r" word & admit that that's what happened. I've been in therapy for about 4 months & still have not talked about "IT" in detail. Just bits & pieces. So you're not alone. This is a good place to find support.

And I completely agree with everything bec12380 said.

To all of you in relation to this discussion post.
I too totally relate to what you are all saying and have been there myself.
But, I'm pleased to say it is getting easier....it has been very slow but I'm making progress. It doesn't feel quite so 'yesterday it happened' as it used to and I'm really making inroads thanks to several years of therapy (especially the last 3 years) If I can get to this point and hopefully even better then have faith in yourself that you will too. This has been and still is at times an excruciatingly difficult journey but one which rewards do come. Hope that comforts you all in some way. All the very best & keep up your fight for healing xxxx

I have found that sometimes talking about it in therapy can be too much to deal with and can actually make me hurt more than when I am not in therapy. It took me 11 years to report it, so I understand the feeling of it seeming like it was recent even though it was years ago. I also felt like I had to censor things I said. I personally don't feel comfortable going into too much detail to a stranger that is looking straight into my eyes while I am telling them. It makes me feel sick too. It even makes me feel sick afterward for like a week.

Maybe you should space out your therapy sessions or even take a break from therapy if it is to much to deal with at the moment (you have other stress to deal with apart from it). Sometime therapy made me think about it into to excessive depth and made me have even more nightmares about it and it also made me much more irritable around others (I would yell and cry a lot).

You can tell the details to those you deeply trust, but I don't think it is absolutely necessary to talk in too much detail in therapy IF you don't feel comfortable with it. In my opinion, therapy doesn't help that much after a certain point. What helps for me now is being able to talk about it to someone who I am close to and can trust. But as far as telling others, you have to really be selective with who you tell (and when you tell them) since there might be negative responses to you telling them. Going online to talk about it is actually ideal because it is anonymous and you find that there are other people like you who have felt the same negative feelings.

Thank you all for your kind words!Ihaven't been here here in a bit as I had to step back for my mental health!Ijust posted I'm having nightmares!Once again thanks!

Absolutely, I'm in the same boat. And you couldn't tell me anything that would offend my ears... so be as open and graphic with me as you like. You may have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I would read more into that... but you are taking the rights first step by talking about it. The constant flashbacks are not pleasant. It's like you are taken out of the life you are living right now and thrown back in time (which feels current) and feel every bit of pain like you're reliving the trauma. This is why I was brought here. And there are some details I just started talking about that are so embarrassing... but I'm finding the right people are accepting and willing to hear it.