OMG I hate that question soooo much. It really ticks me off. I do know the people who are my attackers and it ticks me off when people look at it less....It's insulting, like there's a rating system to the damage it does. Damage is damage, point blank. Whether it was my uncle or some random guy on the street, it shouldn't make a difference.

The only time I would tolerate such a question is if someone was going to go out and find them. Otherwise, the question is unnecessary.

In short, I totally agree with you Mayday.

You have a right to feel this way, especially if they treat your case any differently based on your answer. I never reported mine, so I can't exactly relate to this side of things. But what I'm thinking is that maybe they ask because they want to know if it is someone you can identify in a line-up. If you already knew the guy, or were dating or whatever, then that makes things a bit easier as far as the case goes bacuse you can identify the perpetrator. They don't have to go out looking for someone whose name they don't know. I don't know. I could be wrong. But I like to consider this as a possibility.

I also knew my attacker.
I'm definitely not going to say that one "type" of rape is better or worse than the other type. I know that for me, I still have a lot of problems trusting men or letting anyone get close to me sexually, it's always in the back of my mind that the abuse could so easily start again when I least expect it.

Legally, politically, I get furious if anyone dares to suggest that date rape should be treated as a 'lesser' offence.

But when it comes to counselling and support, I wonder if those of us who knew our attackers do have slightly different needs to someone who was attacked at random in the street? Perhaps in that sense, it might be helpful to look at it as a different (not lesser) type of trauma?

Of course every person is unique so every case is going to be slightly different, but it's something to think about.

but thats the thing, I didn't know them but i had meet them earleir in the evening. I don't really know what to say if somebody asks me that question. I guess in a different sitiuation i would say no, i just met them that night but i just wonder what people are thinking when they ask that? What would an honest answer be?

I feel like people do make some sort of judgement based on my answer to this question.
Its like if you hear so and so hit so and so, your first question might be why?
It seems to me it is a way of distancing yourself from what happened, a sort of well i would never do that so it won't happen to me and it feels like I am being blamed on some level if they didn't come running out of a dark alley with a gun

Not sure if i am making sense and i really don't want it to sound like one situation is better or worse than another but just trying to figure some stuff out

Ah, but if someone came running out of a dark alley with a gun, the assumption would automatically be that you were out walking by yourself after dark, in a bad area, tut tut ........................... whatever the situation is, you still can't win with some people!

unfortuently you are probably right!

That's exactly right, Phoenix. That's why I'm extremely choosy in who I talk to about this. I'll talk to anyone in this support group, of course. But in my own personal life only 2 people know (my husband and my cousin) and I think that's one person too many. If people don't understand, then let that be their problem, not yours. Many cultures have sayings about not thinking you're above it all because the same fate may be awaiting you. I wouldn't wish this sort of thing on anyone, but sometimes life does have a way of showing us the error of our ways as far as premature judgement is concerned.

For me personally, I think it would have been a lot worse if I had known my attacker. I would have had to deal with some serious betrayal issues then.

i never reported mine either. i don''t think it makes a difference. it happened, and that is what people should be looking at. not whether you knew them or not.

I did know the person who raped me but not very well. I did press charges but b/c I was in such a horrible state my testimony was all over the place and the police said that they weren't going to try my case and for years I thought that my rape was my fault. I don't understand the nerve of people who think that if you know the person then it is more or less damaging. I say honey, just remember that whoever the person was it was wrong, wrong, wrong, and wrong for them to hurt you or any of else.

Phoenix is exactly right. I knew my rapist too--was good friends with him, or so I thought...

Ultimately, there will always be a reason for some to judge, as Phoenix said. Its a damn shame that it happens that way.

And to me, the best answer to that question is the one you gave us: "I didn't know him, but had met him earlier that night."

Wow, it's been so long since I posted anything. Anyways, I am back now and I wanted to say that the reason people ask that question a lot is because some people believe it is worse if you knew them. It's not right or fair, but some do. They rationalize that if you knew the person(s) who raped you then it's substantially more hurtful because it was an even further degree of a breech of trust. I knew my rapist, he is my father. It doesn't matter who it was or what the relationship was, because it is a horrible crime, and it should never be downplayed simply because someone thinks that a dark alley type attack is any different than if a friend is over and uses your body without your consent. Sorry for being blunt, but I'm not one to tiptoe through the tulips. Hope this helped provide some insight into why people repeatedly ask.